GOD has been taking home his celebrities at an astonishing rate this summer, as you may have noticed. David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Karl Malden, Walter Cronkite, Corazon Aquino, John Hughes… All taken too young. That’s right, ALL taken far too young.

Sometimes when a really old celebrity dies, people say, “I guess I didn’t realize [he/she] was still alive! Is that a mean thing to say?”

Well, call me mean or not, here are some of those people. The ones sitting in God’s waiting room.

(These are just the ones I find surprising, in descending order of surprisingness. I’d better hurry up and publish this list, it could become superannuated at any minute! God forbid.)

Entertainment

Ernest Borgnine (January 24, 1917 – ?) This is a no-brainer. He should totally be dead by now, I feel like I’ve seen his obituary half a dozen times, but must’ve imagined it.

Olivia De Havilland (July 1, 1916 – ?) AND her sister, Joan Fontaine (October 22, 1917– ?) Love these grand olde dames de la cinéma. But come on, they were co-stars with Crawford and Davis. And Bette Davis died at the age of 130 like 20 years ago.

Christopher Lee (May 27, 1922 – ?) Maybe him playing a vampire (and an old one at that) when I was a kid (and I’m now in my mid-50s) is what has made him undead.

Jack Klugman (April 27, 1922 – ?) Okay, I admit I thought he and Karl Malden (March 22, 1912 – July 1, 2009) were the same person.

Jane Russell (June 21, 1921 – ?) Alive and kicking and looking pretty hot by old-lady standards (see photo at right from 2006, where she’s 85).

Doris Day (April 3, 1924 – ?) Just surprising, that’s all.

Lizabeth Scott (September 29, 1922 – ?) Born Emma Matzo in Scranton, Penna. Why would you change a name like Emma Matzo? Peekaboo hairstyle originator; the missing “E” in her name is hidden under her hair, too. [thanks to commenter below. -SS]. I guess I have her mixed up with Frances Farmer or some other premature-dying (as in death, not dye) blondy-cakes.

Mickey Rooney (September 23, 1920 – ?) Seems like his self-mocking “I’m still alive” appearance on The Simpsons was already 10+ years ago… So…

Phyllis Diller (July 17, 1917 – ?) I want her never to die, but we all have to someday.

Jean Stapleton (January 19, 1923 – ?) AKA Edith Bunker. Probably assumed dead through confusion with sister Maureen Stapleton (June 21, 1925 – March 13, 2006).

Bob Barker (December 12, 1923 – ?) One of those cases where retirement (2007) = invisibility = assumed death.

Sid Caesar (September 8, 1922 – ?) I guess I assumed he was dead because, to illustrate my point, wikipedia lists the following awesome guests he had on his show in the ’50s: Jackie Cooper (Still alive [b. 1922, so putting him on the watch list.] Sorry, Jackie!), Robert Preston, Rex Harrison, Eddie Albert, Michael Redgrave, Basil Rathbone, Charlton Heston, Geraldine Page, Douglas Fairbanks Jr., Pearl Bailey, Fred Allen, Benny Goodman. Guess what they all have in common.

Abe Vigoda (February 24, 1921 – ?) Poor Abe has already been through the false death rumor ordeal a few years ago – in 1982!

Letters

J.D. Salinger (January 1, 1919 – ?) Lesson here? Pretending you don’t exist makes you live forever. R.I.P, J.D. Salinger, January 1, 1919 – January 27, 2010.

Abigail “Dear Abby” Van Buren (July 4, 1918 – ?) Guess I had her mixed up with her sister, Ann Landers (July 4 1918 – June 22, 2002). It’s okay, she’s used to it.

Ray Bradbury (August 22, 1920 – ?) I just associate him with moldy pulp paperbacks stacked in someone’s basement. Not vibrantly alive to me.

Fashion

Pierre Cardin (July 7, 1922 – ?) Really? Is he shacked up with Coco Chanel somewhere? (No, she died in 1971.)

Gloria Vanderbilt (February 20, 1924 – ?) Anderson Cooper’s grandma mom, the “poor little rich girl” who was already an old woman when her jeans were all the rage in the ’80s.

Hubert de Givenchy (February 20, 1927– ?) Birthday buddy with Andy’s grandma mom! Wiki says: “…opened his first couture house in 1952 and created a sensation with his separates, which could be mixed and matched at will.” Separates? What is this newfangled thing?

Music

Les Paul (June 9, 1915 – ?) Could be Paul McCartney’s grandfather. So old, I assumed he was dead even when I was a kid learning guitar from his books. R.I.P. Les Paul, June 9, 1915 – August 13, 2009

Earl Scruggs (January 6, 1924 – ?) Let’s put it this way: Lester Flatt died 30 years ago. Looks like we know which banjo won the duel!

Mitch Miller (July 4, 1911 – ?) He truly will bury us all. To the dulcet tones of a mellow horn section. R.I.P. Mitch Miller, July 4, 1911 – July 31, 2010.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

Farmer Ted (aka The Geek) was best comedic teen role ever. Kudos Anthony Michael Hall.

Some of my favorite Farmer Ted quotes:

The Geek: How’s it going?
Samantha: How’s what going?
The Geek: You know – things, life, whatnot.
Samantha: Life is not whatnot, and it’s none of your business.
The Geek: So, you going to the New Faces dance tonight, or…
Samantha: That’s also none of your business.
The Geek: Are you inhibited about dancing in public, I mean, you don’t have to dance, you could just stand there with me and my dudes and just be you, and…
Samantha:  Sounds major.
The Geek:  So, I mean, what’s the story? I mean, you got a guy, or…
Samantha: Yes, three big ones, and they lust for wimp blood, so quite bugging me or I’ll sic them all over your weenie ass.
The Geek: You know, I’m getting input here that I’m reading as relatively hostile, I mean it’s jsut…
Samantha: Go to hell.
The Geek: VERY hostile.

The Geek: Just answer me one question.
Samantha: Yes, you’re a total fag.
The Geek: Ha ha ha. That’s not the question.

Samantha: This is Farmer Fred.
The Geek: Ted.
Samantha: Oh, I’m sorry, Farmer Ted.
The Geek: I’m not really a farmer. I’m a freshman.
Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?
The Geek: Not if you’re gonna insult me.
Randy: [laughs] Ok.
The Geek: Shoot.
Randy: Get the hell outta here.
The Geek: Nice ma- nice manners, babe!
Jimmyy Montrose: She’s totally serious ass-wipe.

Farmer Ted: By night’s end, I predict me and her will interface.

Farmer Ted: This information cannot leave this room. Ok? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.
Samantha: No problem.
Farmer Ted: I’ve never bagged a babe. I’m not a stud.

Farmer Ted: Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y’know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I’m too torqued up to say no.

Farmer Ted: Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?

Farmer Ted: Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We’re safe as kittens.
Farmer Ted: This is a great social opportunity for us.
Farmer Ted: Come on! Do not embarrass me, okay?
Wease: For sure, we won’t.
Farmer Ted: Will you fix your hair, Bryce?
Bryce: I already did.
Farmer Ted: Wease, close your barn, all right?
Farmer Ted: And be polite to his parents. Okay. Great.

Jake: [Jake is now holding Samantha's panties] These are really hers?
Farmer Ted: Yeah.
Jake: How did you get ‘em?
Farmer Ted:  She gave ‘em to me.
Jake: Did you…?
Farmer Ted: No! She cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you’re the cats meow!
Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.
Farmer Ted: Girls will do that, Jake. You know? They know that guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It’s pure power politics. I’m telling you.
Jake: I thought she hated my guts.
Farmer Ted: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I’ve gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me – blind! Because I’m too torked up to say no. It’s heinous, I’m telling you.

Jake: You better not be dicking me around. It’d be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I’m a slime.
Farmer Ted: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake: I’ll kick your ass.
Farmer Ted: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, that if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I’ll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I’ve got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
Farmer Ted: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?

Jake: I’ll make a deal with you.
[holds up the panties]
Jake: You let me keep these, I’ll let you take Caroline home. But you’ve got to make sure she gets home. You can’t leave her in a parking lot somewhere. Okay?
Farmer Ted: Jake, I’m only a freshman.
Jake: So, she’s so blitzed she won’t know the difference.
Farmer Ted: Jake, I don’t have a car.
Jake: You can take mine.
Farmer Ted: Jake, I don’t have license.
Jake: I trust you.
Farmer Ted: Jake, I’d love to… I can’t.
[holds out a bowl]
Farmer Ted: Want a pretzel?
Jake: You sure?
[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
Farmer Ted: Positive.

Farmer Ted: [Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw he and Caroline kissing] I’m dead.
[the phone rings and he answers it]
Farmer Ted: Hello?
Cliff: Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
Farmer Ted: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.
Cliff: Ted, we’re dying, what happened?
Farmer Ted: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!

Farmer Ted: [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in] This, uh, this your car, Jake?
Jake: No, this is my dad’s car. You said you couldn’t drive a stick.
Farmer Ted: This is a motherfu – ! This is a Rolls Royce, Jake.
Jake: So?
Farmer Ted: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! You have five grand? I don’t have five grand!
Jake: Then don’t hit anything.
Farmer Ted: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don’t hit anything

Farmer Ted: [takes item from Caroline] Oh thank you, thanks.
Caroline: Ha ha ha! Now we’re both on the pill.
Farmer Ted: What?
[spits out]
Farmer Ted: You gave me a birth control pill? Do you know what that can do to a guy my age?
Caroline: I know exactly what they do for a girl my age. It makes it OK to be really, super-careless!

Farmer Ted: Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I’ll, uh, tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
Farmer Ted: I’m Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You’re in the parking lot in front of my church.
Farmer Ted: You own a church?

Sixteen Candles Script – Dialogue Transcript