GOD has been taking home his celebrities at an astonishing rate this summer, as you may have noticed. David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Karl Malden, Walter Cronkite, Corazon Aquino, John Hughes… All taken too young. That’s right, ALL taken far too young.

Sometimes when a really old celebrity dies, people say, “I guess I didn’t realize [he/she] was still alive! Is that a mean thing to say?”

Well, call me mean or not, here are some of those people. The ones sitting in God’s waiting room.

(These are just the ones I find surprising, in descending order of surprisingness. I’d better hurry up and publish this list, it could become superannuated at any minute! God forbid.)

Entertainment

Ernest Borgnine (January 24, 1917 – ?) This is a no-brainer. He should totally be dead by now, I feel like I’ve seen his obituary half a dozen times, but must’ve imagined it.

Olivia De Havilland (July 1, 1916 – ?) AND her sister, Joan Fontaine (October 22, 1917– ?) Love these grand olde dames de la cinéma. But come on, they were co-stars with Crawford and Davis. And Bette Davis died at the age of 130 like 20 years ago.

Christopher Lee (May 27, 1922 – ?) Maybe him playing a vampire (and an old one at that) when I was a kid (and I’m now in my mid-50s) is what has made him undead.

Jack Klugman (April 27, 1922 – ?) Okay, I admit I thought he and Karl Malden (March 22, 1912 – July 1, 2009) were the same person.

Jane Russell (June 21, 1921 – ?) Alive and kicking and looking pretty hot by old-lady standards (see photo at right from 2006, where she’s 85).

Doris Day (April 3, 1924 – ?) Just surprising, that’s all.

Lizabeth Scott (September 29, 1922 – ?) Born Emma Matzo in Scranton, Penna. Why would you change a name like Emma Matzo? Peekaboo hairstyle originator; the missing “E” in her name is hidden under her hair, too. [thanks to commenter below. -SS]. I guess I have her mixed up with Frances Farmer or some other premature-dying (as in death, not dye) blondy-cakes.

Mickey Rooney (September 23, 1920 – ?) Seems like his self-mocking “I’m still alive” appearance on The Simpsons was already 10+ years ago… So…

Phyllis Diller (July 17, 1917 – ?) I want her never to die, but we all have to someday.

Jean Stapleton (January 19, 1923 – ?) AKA Edith Bunker. Probably assumed dead through confusion with sister Maureen Stapleton (June 21, 1925 – March 13, 2006).

Bob Barker (December 12, 1923 – ?) One of those cases where retirement (2007) = invisibility = assumed death.

Sid Caesar (September 8, 1922 – ?) I guess I assumed he was dead because, to illustrate my point, wikipedia lists the following awesome guests he had on his show in the ’50s: Jackie Cooper (Still alive [b. 1922, so putting him on the watch list.] Sorry, Jackie!), Robert Preston, Rex Harrison, Eddie Albert, Michael Redgrave, Basil Rathbone, Charlton Heston, Geraldine Page, Douglas Fairbanks Jr., Pearl Bailey, Fred Allen, Benny Goodman. Guess what they all have in common.

Abe Vigoda (February 24, 1921 – ?) Poor Abe has already been through the false death rumor ordeal a few years ago – in 1982!

Letters

J.D. Salinger (January 1, 1919 – ?) Lesson here? Pretending you don’t exist makes you live forever. R.I.P, J.D. Salinger, January 1, 1919 – January 27, 2010.

Abigail “Dear Abby” Van Buren (July 4, 1918 – ?) Guess I had her mixed up with her sister, Ann Landers (July 4 1918 – June 22, 2002). It’s okay, she’s used to it.

Ray Bradbury (August 22, 1920 – ?) I just associate him with moldy pulp paperbacks stacked in someone’s basement. Not vibrantly alive to me.

Fashion

Pierre Cardin (July 7, 1922 – ?) Really? Is he shacked up with Coco Chanel somewhere? (No, she died in 1971.)

Gloria Vanderbilt (February 20, 1924 – ?) Anderson Cooper’s grandma mom, the “poor little rich girl” who was already an old woman when her jeans were all the rage in the ’80s.

Hubert de Givenchy (February 20, 1927– ?) Birthday buddy with Andy’s grandma mom! Wiki says: “…opened his first couture house in 1952 and created a sensation with his separates, which could be mixed and matched at will.” Separates? What is this newfangled thing?

Music

Les Paul (June 9, 1915 – ?) Could be Paul McCartney’s grandfather. So old, I assumed he was dead even when I was a kid learning guitar from his books. R.I.P. Les Paul, June 9, 1915 – August 13, 2009

Earl Scruggs (January 6, 1924 – ?) Let’s put it this way: Lester Flatt died 30 years ago. Looks like we know which banjo won the duel!

Mitch Miller (July 4, 1911 – ?) He truly will bury us all. To the dulcet tones of a mellow horn section. R.I.P. Mitch Miller, July 4, 1911 – July 31, 2010.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

As always, I have more questions than answers… ?

Will the beer expert and fellow drunk of the same name (Michael Jackson) finally get to be somebody in his own right now that the competition is out of the way? Oh, wait, he died two years ago. Never mind.

Didn’t Lisa Marie Presley once state publicly that the high-pitched, breathy Liz Taylor/Diana Ross speaking voice that Michael Jackson spoke in was not, in fact, how he talked in private – that his private speaking voice was an ordinary, baritone man’s voice – and isn’t that really the eeriest thing of all to think about?

Was Michael Jackson at all aware of having any debilitating neuroses or mental illnesses? Did he ever once look at the “man in the mirror” and say, “Jeez, that’s f*cked up”?

Why do I somehow suspect the answer to that question is yes? Would that change how you think about him?

Was MJ born to be an enigma, much as George W. Bush seems to have been?

Didn’t the young child star Michael Jackson always seem older than his age, ala Shirley Temple, whom someone once described as a “50-year-old midget”?

How bad was his scalp burn in the 1984 Pepsi commercial incident? Was it really the life-changing event it’s been presented as? I.e., the beginning of his long-running plastic surgery and painkiller misadventures?*

Will Diana Ross be a good mother to the young children Princes Michael I & II and Paris Jackson after Katherine Jackson (age 79) passes away?

Am I the only person who knew from the first moment I saw a picture of them many years ago that the children were too light complexioned, light haired, and light eyed to be Jackson’s own? And isn’t there more than a whiff of “eugenics” around the specifications Jackson had surrounding their creation?

What are they like? Perhaps they are like many children of eccentric and troubled famous people: Absolutely, amazingly normal?

Will they write “Michael Dearest” books as soon as they are old enough?

From the way Katherine dutifully attended every day of MJ’s trial back in ’05, and generally has remained a loyal, stoical Class Act while the LaToyas of the family ran amok causing embarrassment everywhere, doesn’t she absolutely deserve to administer or flat-out HAVE all the money? Isn’t there something totally satisfying and fitting about it?

Isn’t Michael Jackson’s three-year “marriage” to Deborah Rowe pretty much the ultimate example of venal, criminally frivolous straight marriage – even more than Britney’s – for gay-marriage advocates to point to?

When all is said (and done, but mostly said): Isn’t it entirely possible, as a friend of mine wondered aloud the other day, that Michael Jackson died a virgin? That he never had any sexual contact with anyone?

Other than the example above about his voice, why did Elvis’s daughter cover for Michael Jackson for so long? Was it something related to working through some stuff about her father?

How similar was Jackson’s 2005 trial and acquittal to O.J. Simpson’s 1995 trial and acquittal, in terms of certain jurors (and certain segments of the public) blindly refusing to believe someone they idolized is capable of behavior like murder or child molesting?

Every time I see Kendall-Jackson (no relation) wine at the grocery store, don’t I think of the testimony of that stewardess regarding “Jesus juice” and remember her weird snobbishness in pointing out that MJ gave the kids not the good stuff, but “yucky Kendall-Jackson”?

Why is mega-quack Deepak Chopra pushing to the front of the line to start a second career as a posthumous PR flack/protector of MJ’s precious legacy? Did I just answer my own question with the words “second career”?

Were you aware (I wasn’t) that the mother of Jackson’s 2005 accuser, Janet Arvizo, has since married a man named Jay Jackson (no relation) and now goes by the name Janet Jackson?

How does MJ fit in the canon of flawed geniuses?

__________

* I ask this not without empathy, as someone who was partially scalped in an accident. But despite having over 100 stitches along half of my scalp, I took no painkillers once I left the hospital, nor had plastic surgery for it. Furthermore: “Some studio audience members said he was so calm, they thought the incident was part of the act. ‘He was wonderful. He reassured people even as he was being taken away on a stretcher,’ (Fan Virginia Watson)”

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

SM Shrake: No, Facebook, What are YOU doing right now? You always ask me and I never ask you, Facebook! So, what’s up? You give us a status update.
December 2, 2008 at 5:31pm

Before everything goes fully a’Twitter (I never will), I want to immortalize the art of the Facebook status update.

Did you know you can keep going back and back with the “Older Posts” button on Facebook, all the way to the beginning? You can see your whole “wall” history. And maybe that would be a good thing for you to do, to see how boring you’ve been, how ashamed you should be…

The following are REAL-LIFE specimens of unfathomably lame-assed status updates I have seen on my Newsfeed, from people I can’t believe I call my friends. Actually, posting status updates like this gets you defriended quickly by me; this amounts to a collection of Facebook epitaphs for casualties of my defriending storms:

“[ ]… is at work trying to accomplish some tasks.” “[ ]… is getting stuff done.” “[ ]… is starving!” “[ ]… is glad to be done with work for the day.” “[ ]… is ready for the weekend.” “[ ]… is ready for this week to be over!!” “[ ]… is looking forward to Friday.” “[ ]… is getting coffee.” “[ ]… is disappointed.” “[ ]… is hoping that today is better than yesterday.” “[ ]… is thankful.” “[ ]… is predicting a crazy, if not unexpectedly so, week.” “[ ]… is wishing that the weekend wasn’t over!” “[ ]… had a great night last night.” “[ ]… has finished putting away the dishes.”

In response to such megatwaddle, I launched an ongoing anti-boring-status-update campaign through my own status updates:

SM Shrake … It’s raining boring status updates! April 20, 2009 at 1:11pm

… What is this, Night of a Thousand Boring/Cringe-Inducing Status Updates? February 15, 2009 at 1:23am

… is gearing up to talk about the WEEKEND with other weekend fans! Please don’t forget to ask me if I have any big plans. I love talking to you about it. January 9, 2009 at 1:12pm

… is itchin’ for some days-of-the-week talk. Here, I’ll start. Sure don’t seem like a Friday, does it? January 2, 2009 at 10:45am

… Oookaaay, let’s bring the room down a little. Anybody want to talk about how it’s Friday? TGIF! Woohoo! Mondays suck! Fridays RULE! December 19, 2008 at 2:01pm

… has today and Monday off. JEALOUS? Hey, anyone want to chat about the days of the week with me? I’m around. August 1, 2008 at 9:30am

WHY DO WE BROADCAST OUR STATUS TO THE WORLD? What kind of exhibitionistic freaks have we become? I remember on the chronically, bafflingly F.U.B.A.R. flop Friendster they had some kind of status bar, I can’t remember the magical little name for it, though. It seemed dumb then. Twitter seems dumb now. The first time I heard about Twitter, which was around the time in late 2007 that I joined Facebook, I thought “Oh, HELL no.” And I haven’t budged.

What is the difference between stultifying, numbingly banal status updates and ones that are worth reading? Well, if it’s about you or me — about our persons — it should tell something that is not boring, but rather, interesting. It should evince some kind of a reaction in my brain beyond stunned boredom.

SM Shrake… so, the memorial service is over… where are they planning to take Michael Jackson’s remains now? Does anyone know? Are they just going to drive around until they run out of gas, rather than admit there’s no plan? July 7, 2009 at 4:20pm

… COLLEAGUE: Did you get new glasses, Scott? You look different. SM: No, I’m getting really fat, so my glasses just look smaller. But they’re the same ones. May 6, 2009 at 5:53pm

… is nice once he gets to know you. So don’t think of him as “mean” or “scary” — think of him as “pre-nice.” April 10, 2009 at 11:08am

… knows he’s getting old, because he habitually refers to his iPod as a “Walkman” (much as Grandma Shrake used to call the refrigerator an “ice box”). March 13, 2009 at 10:26am

… wants to be on “Intervention.” But no one loves him, so it won’t happen in this lifetime. March 9, 2009 at 9:27pm

… is going to a puppet show with his ex tonight. Bringing some of my own puppets along so I can maybe get in on the act. February 15, 2009 at 3:54pm

… would be so embarrassed if anyone knew what song he is listening to (Hanson, “Mmm Bop”)… Oops, I guess it’s no longer “a secret no one knows.” January 15, 2009 at 3:48pm

… was thinking the other night: If I’m fat, then fat is hot. December 16, 2008 at 10:59am

… is returning to bed after eating some fried chicken for breakfast. December 12, 2008 at 10:22am

… is torn between two physical therapists, feeling like a fool. Getting manhandled by both of them is breaking all the rules. December 4, 2008 at 11:33am

… is dreading another weekend. November 21, 2008 at 2:15pm

…, when he was under 18, used to like it when he would get cards and letters from his grandparents addressed to “Master SM Shrake”. November 13, 2008 at 12:09pm

… is going to be at Halo later if you want to come try and assassinate him. May 16, 2008 at 5:07pm

… would never defriend the hand that feeds him. April 9, 2008 at 10:01am

… wonders if anyone else, as he does, wonders if others can hear the lame light-rock music you’re listening to on your iPod. January 11, 2008 at 11:42am

WHAT ARE THE NECESSARY AIMS OF A GOOD TOPICAL STATUS UPDATE? It should entertain, delight, challenge, blow a mind or two. This is all about realizing and fully accepting that Facebook is a stage, and we’re all players.

POLITICS

SM Shrake…
… thinks it would have been funny if President Obama had given the interview to Al-Arabiya in FLUENT ARABIC. January 27, 2009 at 10:20am

… is amused that it’s Obama’s first day on the job and the first day I was blocked by his motorcade! I just put on some Mary J. Blige and chilled while we waited. January 21, 2009 at 10:12am

… is going to ask Diego, the Barber to the Chief Justices, to give me a “John Roberts.” Cuz I wanna look like Justice John Roberts. Or should I get a “Rehnquist”? January 8, 2009 at 3:44pm

… “split his ticket” on Tuesday: He circled Barack Obama and crossed out Joe Biden, and crossed out John McCain and circled Sarah Palin. You can do that, right? November 6, 2008 at 10:35am

… is feeling weightless, in silent awe that this 8-year-long nightmare will soon be over. It’s deeply personal, jiggling every molecule in my body. November 4, 2008 at 4:21pm

… thought he had heard Sarah Palin say she and John McCain both believe “you can’t blink.” But last night at the debate, he showed he can blink like a champ. October 16, 2008 at 12:23pm

… is waiting for Hillary to walk him down the aisle and give him away to Barack. June 4, 2008 at 1:52pm

… doesn’t think the media is making a silk purse out of a sow’s ear with Obama… just a silk purse out of some above-average polyester. February 22, 2008 at 10:43am

… Even if Hillary found a cure for AIDS tomorrow, the headline from our super-fair media would be: “Clinton Pathetically Tries to Upstage Obama by Curing Disease That Was Started by Her Husband Anyway”. February 14, 2008 at 3:00pm

MISCELLANY

… Attention, people: Just because it’s warm doesn’t mean you have to immediately put on your scummy flip-flops and make everyone look at your feet. Grow up. March 7, 2009 at 5:55pm

… wonders if it’s okay, in lieu of “the Talk,” to just buy someone a copy of the book “He’s Just Not That into You” and say, “Here, read this.” March 3, 2009 at 8:58pm

… RE: Valentine’s Day: Do leather daddies give those LEATHER ROSES they sell at the gas station to their partners? If not, who buys them? February 14, 2009 at 9:57am

… is offended that Béyoncé was allowed to sing the song “At Last” for the Obamas’ first inaugurational dance. She would be great at a children’s talent show, but she is not up to this task. January 20, 2009 at 8:42pm

… The song playing in the cab, Nancy claims, was “Secret Agent Man.” But I swear it’s “Secret Asian Man.” Oh, secret Asian man: When will you come out as Asian? December 8, 2008 at 9:58pm

… Bogus business-speak terms of the day: “Pain points” and “sweet spots.” Is it a business or an S&M dungeon? December 5, 2008 at 11:56am

… paraphrases the Stones: You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you can’t get what you need either. October 13, 2008 at 1:46pm

… loves the strangeness of life. Barbra Streisand and I are both HuffPost contributors now. Reunited, and it feels so good! September 20, 2008 at 2:55pm

… likes “Intervention” so much that y’all might need to do an intervention on him to cure him of his “Intervention” addiction. An “Intervention” intervention. June 23, 2008 at 9:18pm

… called Barbra Streisand to wish her a happy birthday, but she was out so I talked to James Brolin for a while and told him he should blog for HuffPost. April 24, 2008 at 3:30pm

… I guess when they tried to make Amy Winehouse go to rehab this time, she said “Yes, yes, yes.” January 24, 2008 at 3:05pm

… is wondering what Evel Knievel’s funeral will involve, stunt-wise. December 10, 2007

I AM A PERFORMER and I only like (to hear things from) other performers. FB is a public forum, and you owe your “reading public” something more than “SM is at work.” Facebook gets it, actually: They have that HIDE feature now, where you can “shut” your most boring friends “up” (“down”?). Praise the Lord for that. One more pointless status update, [ ], and you’re getting hidden with extreme prejudice.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

AND YOU CAN FRIEND HIM ON FACEBOOK!

From the Archives!

If you’re a “I wish I was young again” person like me and find yourself watching a lot of VH1 Classics, you may have noticed a few things about your favorite vids that were not so apparent when you first viewed them.

Back in the heyday of MTV some established rock acts made a genuine attempt to be innovative with their videos, trying to break the mold of chintzy special effects, testosterone-filled cliches and the perfunctory live performance. Striving to be completely different, some videos turned out, shall we say, just a bit gay. By “gay” of course, we mean every conceivable meaning of the word. Here are some gems:

“Rock Me Tonite” by Billy Squier

This classic clip is hands down the most flamboyantly fabulous rock video ever made. And easily the most hysterical. In addition to stroking on stage with a bunch of guys, Billy liked to wind down alone in cozy pink and white sherbet-colored PJs from the Richard Simmons collection. Once comfortable and feeling the need to express himself, the naughty little rock star snaps and prances and writhes around his fancy, silk-strewn bedroom, tossing off pouty glances and come-hither looks to you… and only you… the lucky viewer. Rock him tonite (sic), won’t you?

“Hot Rockin’” by Judas Priest

Four fifths of the band didn’t realize this was going to be incredibly gay. One fifth most certainly did. This low-budget video opens with a pack of pasty, leather-and-skin-clad Brits lifting tiny weights in a cramped gym. No argument, this is the most homo-erotic opening ten seconds ever filmed for a heavy metal video. What exactly is Rob Halford doing bobbing up and down? I don’t think the skinny chap has the strength to actually pull-off a push-up. Like every Priest video of the era, I loved it… and had no clue Rob was trying to tell us something, despite the not-so-subtle flames engulfing his feet and microphone in the final scene.

“Desert Moon” by Dennis DeYoung

This video should be called “Man Hugs.” The Styx’s frontman stars in this failed attempt at a macho, male bonding reunion. There’s just way too many guys embracing, high-fiving, leering and tackling (shirts-vs-skins football game) to be believable. To be fair, Henry Rollins, Danzig and the guys from GWAR couldn’t make this production look hetero. A brief moment showing Mr. Roboto pining away for a lost love (a woman) is not the least bit convincing. He’s back to the merry manly hijinx and back-slapping in no time.

“Dancing In The Dark” by Bruce Springsteen

After years of being a scrawny and smelly Jersey dirtbag, Bruce was extremely excited to show off his freshly-shaved mug and newly toned biceps. When chirping out a lightweight piece of pop fluff like this, The Boss knew a crisp white blouse with rolled-up sleeves, neatly tucked high into his tight, tight jeans would be the perfect outfit to sway back and forth uncomfortably and attract a whole new audience. Adding to the overall gay motif, the gal he brings up on stage (yes, I know it’s the Friends chick) has a boy’s haircut, boy’s clothes and resembles an even cuter Jake Gyllenhaal. And please don’t overlook clap-happy Clarence looking like a bouncer at a tranny bar.

Two rock legends have never — ever — come closer to a full-on make-out session on film than these two sprightly, dancing fools belting out a truly atrocious song. This silly, over-saturated video from 1985 gave fuel to the fire that the Rolling Stone front man and The Thin White Duke were bunk mates back in the day.

“Say Say Say” by Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney

I know, this is too easy. Anything with Jacko in it should rule out the word “unintentional,” but when Mac and Jack shave and apply make-up together, well, we just can’t leave this tender moment alone. Love seemed to be in the air between these pop stars and Linda could do nothing but helplessly watch the romance blossom (and look unsexy strumming a guitar). This otherwise charming and innocent video does contain some serious creepiness; I’m pretty sure the girl Jacko ogles unconvincingly throughout the video is actually his putty-faced sister La Toya. Ick!

“Lick It Up Video” by Kiss

When you get past the costumes, the bravado and the fire-spewing theatrics, and just listen to the music, I mean really listen to the music; you’ll realize one thing… “Man, Kiss sucked!” That’s beside the point. I think this was one of the first videos these jokers did without their theater makeup, (who knows, who cares), but the amount of Mary Kay cosmetics they cake on in its place is visually stunning. Check out the generously applied blush on Paul Stanley’s cheek. Cease typing your angry emails Kiss Army members, we know the boys and especially Gene are 100% lady-loving sex machines, he’s made a career of telling all about his conquests. What a dork. This video is more of a fashion show catwalk, with the boys ignoring the fawning girls and proudly stating, “Look at our outfits, behold our pretty scarves!” You know when kids say, “Man that is so gay!” That’s exactly the kind of gay we’re talkin’ about here.

“Kokomo” by Beach Boys

“Hey Beach Boys, wanna do a song for a movie starring that macho hunk Tom Cruise?”

“You Bet!”

“Great, you’ll love it! It’s about bars and drinking and chicks…”

“Tubular! We’re so stoked!”

Fast forward two months… Mike Love tucking his unbuttoned shirt into his high-pocket slacks, John Stamos wearing a pink tank top gentle tapping some silly bongos and the ambiguously gay Tom Cruise preparing mass quantities of girly drinks made darn sure this classic video is forever filed under “Super Gay!” And no, the bikini-clad chicks running and bouncing down the beach does not make it any less gay.

“Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark

We get it Marky, you work out… a lot… with home-made weights. (What, you couldn’t find a Bowflex in Boston?) Many male artists have gone shirtless in videos and that’s cool, because most of them are pale, flabby messes (Ozzy) or drugged-out, heroin skinny flyweights (that jailbird from STP) and it’s a hoot to watch. But when you go shirtless and you are built like a brick shithouse, well that’s just gay (read: very intimidating to hetero guys). Let’s recap: Musicians who work out and flaunt it: very gay. Musicians who abuse their bodies and flaunt it: very guy.

Keep in Touch:

More News!

• New Facebook Terms You Should Know!
• Rapper Shows Off His Two Affordable and Practical Vehicles on “MTV Cribs”
• Better Names for Coffee Shops with Free Wi-Fi
• Photoshop Now Offers “Family Beach Photo” Generator
• Ultra-Marathoner Admits He Just Hates His Family
• Man Beats Cancer, Completes First Triathlon Viewing