Then, in that way that the culture often answers my private thoughts, there he was again in the news, and the answer was what I divined it would be. I hadn’t missed the second big hit from Daniel Powter. I am not that out of touch. There wasn’t one.

I wake to a woman’s scream. I hear a muffled sizzling sound and smell rotting cucurbitus. “What is that?” I cry out through my jack-o’-lantern mouth hole. “Oh, that lady in the other room is getting a Pumpkin Peel. Did you want one of those, too? They’re more money, but they get your skin SO smooth it’s unbelievable.” “No, thank you.”

She carves out the “lid” with its pumpkin seeds dangling in their stringy orange viscous pumpkin matter. Holding the lid by its stem handle, she begins rubbing those pumpkin guts all over my face and neck with brisk circular motions, and I feel sleepy and contented.

You wanna know what? Do ya? After years of planning, the world’s first-ever accent contest will take place this fall in America’s Midwest. This groundbreaking event will be sponsored by the National Association for the Study of American Linguistics (NASAL) and the prestigious Schwa Institute for the Study of Vowel Degeneration (SIftSoVD), both based in [...]