I never really thought about it, or could afford to do it, but damn, cocaine sure looks like fun. The white crystalline alkaloid extracted from coca leaves brings people together and with all that ritualistic communal partaking, I can think of about 6 awesome snorting games right off the bat. I’m just saying, how could you not enjoy something where “stomachs are tables” and fights with fish weapons break out? Also, this powdery goodness is the fuel in the tank of the highest-earning actor on TV today. So cash in that 401k that’s burning a hole in your pocket and ask the sketchy guy at your favorite bar where you can score some… wait, I just watched the entire trailer and I now see the dark side. Oh boy…. sorry….

This movie is in fact a cautionary tale and one we should show our kids posthaste. We must get the message across: Drugs are BAD because you will always end up being chased, a lot, and you get enough stupid exercise in gym class.

Kudos to the award-winning Philly film crew The Nectar of the Gods for tackling an important topic and doing it with style, grace, humor and of course the gratuitous shots of topless men we’ve come to expect from their work.

More: The Nectar of the Gods

Follow: @TNOTG, @Goose, @TheCline, JManSays, @nicdarling

Hungry for some tasty, low-cal distractions before the big holiday? Here’s a bowl of some cheese-filled trivia nuggets to feed your ever-expanding pop culture belly.

World’s 50 Best Restaurants in The World
… that will never let my annoying vegetarian ass in the door.

Largest Stadiums in The World
A quarter million people packed in one place to watch cars go vroom vroom.

Longest Running TV Shows
“Quarterlife” just missed by 632 episodes.

Worst Talk Shows in TV History
I have the entire 5-month run of “McEnroe” on Blu-ray.

The Most Expensive Beers in the World
I’ll wait for the Vielle Bon Secours Lite.

Top-Selling Video Games Of All Time
Every game involves either serious violence or worse, a stupid little plastic guitar. We are doomed.

The 20 Most Expensive Domain Names
On a related note: “flooz.com” is now the cheapest.

The 10 Largest U.S. Bankruptcies
Don’t worry, the CEOs are fine.

All Time Worldwide Movie Box Office
Sorry, that dumb boat movie still tops the list.

Largest Roller Coaster Drops
Also known as the “Largest Collection of Vomit Deposited on Other Peoples’ Backs.”

World’s Fastest Drummers
Yep, “Stop-n-Go” Rice, “Cool Hands” LeCompte, “Tommy Gun” Grosset, all your favorites are here.

Top Ten Most Expensive Paintings Of All Time
What, no Thomas Kinkade!

The Most Expensive Photographs Ever Sold
This just in: a photo of Lindsey Lohan buying a pregnancy test kit and a bottle of Vodka just broke the record.

Best-Selling Albums by American Idol Alumni
Fun Fact: Season 1 contestant Nikki McKibbin has bought all these CDs.

The 50 Worst Cars of All Time
My dad owned about 6 of these… maybe more.

Top 10 Fastest Cars in the World
My dad owned none of these.

Top 10 Novelty Songs
Shouldn’t Weezer and Fergie own this list?

The World’s 10 Biggest Robberies
Oddly, The producers of the last two “Pirates of the Caribbean” flicks are not on the list.

Best-Selling Books of All Time
If your a fan of religion and magic (I know, same thing), this list’s for you!

10 Biggest Computer Flops of All Time
“Hi NeXT and Newton, I’d like you to meet Vista.”

America’s Top-Selling Albums of All Time
Since kids aren’t buying CDs anymore, this list may never change. Those dirty hippies will soar forever.

Most Expensive Wines of All Time
… bought by the biggest ass-heads of all time (FYI, The Thomas Jefferson bottles are fakes)

Joey Chestnut’s Competitive Eating Records
Listen closely and you can hear his withering, deep-fired heart gasping in pain, “Stop, please Lord, stop…”

Biggest Box-Office Bombs
“Pluto Nash”: Budget: $100,000,000 – Gross: $4,411,102. Wow! Many more doozies.

Top 25 Highest Grossing Domestic Horror Films of All Time
Is “Jaws” really a horror flick? What about those “Mummy” movies? Definitely debatable.

World’s Most Expensive Homes
Why does this make me yearn to see the World’s Most Destructive Earthquakes?

Top 500 Modern Rock Songs
Normally, these lists are pathetic, but I must give WOXY credit for putting together a very solid list.

The World’s 10 Most Wanted Criminals
If sighted, approach the criminal quickly and aggressively and yell, “I got him! I got him!” while preparing to tackle.

The 10 highest-paid CEOs
Ha ha Ray Irani of Occidental Petroleum, Lawrence Ellison of Oracle more than twice as much as you! Loser.

Gabe puts an ingenious spin on your favorite “movie quotes.”

More Video Awesomeness: videogum.com

Actor	Brother	Lowdown
John Belushi	Jim Belushi	Sadly, Jim was not the heavy drug user in the family. There was a show about life according to him, it might still be on the air. Check with your Auntie.
Patrick Swayze	Don Swayze	Actor Don is just like Patrick, but a but a tad lighter in the chromosome department.
Ron Howard	Clint Howard	Opie looks like Hugh Jackman when standing next to his younger brother, that’s why he always invites him to the set and sticks him in his films.
Alec Baldwin	Daniel Baldwin	Alec is very funny when he’s not very angry. Daniel is very high when he’s not very loaded. Add dimwit Stephen and the other one and you got quite a family party.
Chris Farley	Kevin Farley	Fat? Check. High-Energy? Check. Funny? Don’t know. He’s currently starring in a right-wing comedy, not the best career move in Hollywood.
Seth Meyer	Josh Meyer	Josh was on “Mad TV.” If he kidnapped Seth and took his place on SNL’s Weekend Update, you would not know the difference.
Chris Rock	Tony Rock	TV Guide says “Look out comedy world, Chris’s younger brother  is the next Charlie Murphy!”
Albert Brooks	Super Dave Osborne	Fun Fact: The brothers’ real last name is Einstein.
Jerry O’Connell	Charlie O’Connell	Remember when they were both on that show “Sliders” but only Jerry was allowed to talk? Anyone… anyone…?
Sylvester Stallone	Frank Stallone	Sly eats a bucket full of horse steroids every morning. Frank sang “Far From Over” for the 1983 film “Staying Alive.” What’s the bigger crime? Call it a tie.
Leo Gallagher	Ron Gallagher	Oddest brother story ever: Look-a-like Ron toured as “Gallagher Too” doing the same act, against Leo’s wishes. That’s so cool, I hate watermelons.
Macho Man Randy Savage	“Leaping” Lanny Poffo	Not exactly actors, but close enough. Poffo read poems in the ring, Randy was both macho and a savage. Take a guess who the rubes liked better.

Got some of your own? Let me know.

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Sometimes big stars bail out after a movie franchise has peaked or is on the decline. Which in most cases, is a smart career move. This departure usually does not dissuade the producers from making more sequels and wringing out every possible straight-DVD-dollar they can. So they get a star who kind of looks like the original actor, in the case of the new Underworld, Rhona Mitra stars, and in the proper darkened light she looks enough like our gal Kate.

This got me thinking back to some of the other “Head Fake” movie posters I’ve seen and enjoyed.  Here are a few of my favorite deceptions.

Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

Okay no more Vin Diesel or that that Tyrese model guy, but at least Paul Walker and his chiseled square head are back in this one… wait a minute!

This is textbook “head fakery” right here: Place the actors way in the background, looking all teeny and tiny and just unrecognizable enough for some foolery. At a quick glance, sure, that’s Paul Walker! And look it’s Xzibit, the drummer from Rage Against the Machine, Dustin Hoffman and Halle Berry too! Sweet!

Cruel Intentions 2

Ooooh… another “Cruel Intentions”! Loved the original, but what, no Reese, Ryan or Sarah? Oh well, at least Pacey is still in this one…

Wha…? That’s not the esteemed thespian Joshua Jackson! That’s a Pacey Fakey! How dare they. Oh well, I’ll still watch. Most cheesy sequels like this involving no-name teen actors make up for the lack of star power with some good old-fashioned nudity… lots of it.

George of the Jungle 2

Best head fake in years. This is not Brendan Fraser, really it’s not. It’s another lunkhead actor named Christopher Showerman. Kudos to you “George” franchise!

Caddyshack II

Whoa boy, this is one of the worst slices of celluloid ever screened. There is also some major league fakery going on here in the poster. Let’s take a look:

First off,  Chevy Chase is in the film for a fleeting fart break and then he’s gonzo. Secondly, that’s Dan Aykroyd in the Bill Murray role, another common fakery ploy: use another actor of a similar style (SNL alum) and maybe the audience won’t notice or care. In this case, we certainly did notice. Aykroyd gives the single most unfunny performance ever filmed… well, until that chef Emeril Lagasse got a sitcom (remember that?).

Back to the poster, that’s not our beloved Rodney either, it’s another old Borscht Belt comedian, Jackie Mason. Much like Aykroyd, he stinks up the joint. Lastly, you might see Mr. Comedy Death himself, Jonathan Silverman sticking his dumb head in there. Enough said. Oh, and I have no idea why Tom Arnold is there wearing hockey gear.

Smokey and the Bandit Part 3

The poster says “And The Bandit is At It Again!” and Burt Reynolds as we all know, is “The Bandit.” So Burt has to be in the movie, right? Of course. They wouldn’t dare make a “Smokey and The Bandit” film without that sexy hairball Burt. I guess that’s him flying the helicopter. Oh that crazy Bandit!

Okay, back to this century.

Daddy Day Camp

Note to Cuba Gooding, Jr. from producer: “Yo Cube, we’re doing a photo shoot for the movie poster today, make Eddie Murphy faces, lots of them, especially the Buckwheat one.”

Note to designer from producer: “Please reshape Cuba’s round head into a more narrow Eddie Murphy kind. Also, for the credits, make the lettering real small, like 6-point type.”

American Pie Presents Band Camp

Wow, no one left except Stifler. What, that’s not Stifler? Who gives a shit. Good to see Eugene Levy has shed that nagging self respect thing other actors care dearly about.

Bring It on Again

Standard issue black girl and white girl, wearing cheering outfits. Looks like the original cast to me. But we better investigate. Hmmm… the white girl on the poster has her mouth closed so I can’t see if she has the same gnarly choppers as Spidey’s girlfriend who was in the first go-around. I might have to watch the movie to find out, better yet, I’ll watch the other sequel starring that midget from “Heroes.”

Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

Yes, this guy looks a lot like Jim Carrey, but you were a real ass if you thought this was actually him. Sadly, many people did.

Jaws 2

Um, this is so not the original Jaws. The first guy had nicer teeth.

I know I missed a lot of these, this is just a start. Please let me know of some other good ones in the comment section below!

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Behold the new documentary by the guy who brought you the fontatsic film Helvetica. This one is about product design and consumerism. It will tell you why you must must must have the impeccably-designed Leica point-and-shoot, even if the Canon takes better photos. If you’re a designer or artsy type, you will no doubt enjoy the film, but the average person might find it a tad too precious.  Bonus: the mighty El Ten Eleven does the music:

The song is “I Like Van Halen Because My Sister Says They Are Cool” by our friends El Ten Eleven, from their new record These Promises Are Being Videotaped [get it on iTunes].

Website: www.objectifiedfilm.com [via neatorama]

The straight-laced Paul Rudd and the wild and crazy Jason Segel becoming friends? No fucking way! Can’t you see one is neat and the other is a slob! That kind of friendship is damn near impossible I tell you! Impossible! Hollywood wouldn’t know how to handle such a crazy, mind-boggling concept…

What? You’re saying they not only become pals, but learn a thing or two about each other… themselves… life… and love in the process? Good Lord! I’m speechless. This is gold. It has the makings of a true comedy classic and I’m sure there is no conceivable way on earth it can actually be a tepid, ho-hum yawnfest sprinkled with an occasion titter, an obligitory gross-out scene and some unsightly male nudity. No way.

Obama in PA! Our next President visited the lovely town of Abington, PA today. His inspiring speech got rid of that gross Palin taste that has been swirling about your mouth all morning long.  Photo by Michele Melcher. Check out Michele’s “Carnival of Amazing Marvels” tonight at PRIMER Microstudio.

Have a Giant, Climate-Controlled Warehouse You’re Not Using? And $3 Mil burning a hole in your pocket? Then snatch up “The World’s Greatest Music Collection”: 3 million records, 300,000 compact discs
and more than 6 million song titles! Watch video.  [via neatorama]

People Like Shows About Dead Bodies and Dumb Teens: Biggest fall TV gainers (and droppers) so far.

Word Nerds: Which geeked-out continuity editor has the better job Cheryl Klein or Leland Chee? If knowing which Jedi were still alive during the Clone Wars and the best directions to Dagobah, then you’ll probably want Chee’s sweet gig. If you are incensed that Marcus Flint, who is the Slytherin Quidditch captain in books one and two, appears again in book three even though he should have graduated, then Klein is your gal.

Speaking of Potter, here are some new “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” Photos.

Get Drunk Quicker: Save Time De-corking Your Wine with the Slide Technique

Bird Poop + Human Mouth = Always Funny: Reporter Fail

Looks Promising: Wow, I actually like every single person in this film: Role Models. It’s also nice to see a new comedy that doesn’t have “Judd Apatow” as a writer, director, producer, actor or key grip for once (we all need a break, you too Seth Rogen).  Role Models is the work of Paul Rudd and David Wain and as expected, it’s full of some of our favorite “Wet Hot American Summer” campers plus the future star, Bobb’e J. Thompson. View Trailer:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sqnvu5QC2fQ[/youtube]

What the…?! A movie about a swarthy Spanish gentleman having a lot of sex! And Penelope Cruz is also in it… having a lot sex! Holy shit, we haven’t seen a groundbreaking cinematic innovation like this since… well, um, last week and the week before that and pretty much every single time there is a film festival that needs some international flavor.

My prediction: This film is a lock to take home the “Foreign Lothario Teaching Americans About Their Sexual Repression” award this year at the Schenectady Fall Film Festival.

Hey Woody, could you stop making movies specifically for your own pleasure? “Take The Money and Run” could use a sequel.

[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZqcXiDI_fHY[/youtube]