After 26 months of almost 100-percent inactivity, OviTech Solutions’ office shower has been designated the new official storage area for copy paper, file folders and presentation binders. Office manager Pam Superstein made the announcement in an intra-office email.

The audibly disappointed Superstein described the situation,”When they first designed the office, we had high hopes for the shower. Everyone said we needed at least two shower stalls since many of the employees would be biking and running to and from work. We’re a technology company with lots of young, energetic people, so it made sense.”

“I think our CEO, Red, used it once the first week we moved in, after a quick lunchtime run. He made a big deal about it, walking around the office in his sweaty clothes for a good while. He hasn’t run since. No one has.”

Programmer Chris Duffy, whose cube sits adjacent to the new utility and storage center/closet, nodded and added: “People just started putting crap in the shower — old monitors, boxes, food wrappers… there wasn’t room anywhere else, I guess. I took the giant bottle of Prell last month, hate to see that go to waste.”

Superstein added, “The shower was hip and humanizing in a way, but converting it makes more sense from a square-inchage [sic] perspective.”

Just a month earlier, OviTech Solutions had converted its “gym” room — which consisted of a stationary bike, a treadmill, two Thighmasters and a Bowflex — into a new sales office, retrofitted with eight space-saver cubes. The gym equipment was offered to the employees at cost plus 10 percent. No takers.

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This is when a Facebook rookie or clueless user makes a completely off-topic comment on your post thread instead of posting directly on your wall or sending you a message.

“Misguided Missive”

The king of newbie mistakes, inadvertently “posting” (publicly) on someone’s wall instead of sending them a “message” (privately).

“Disapostment”

One of the best things about Facebook is posting something and having people comment on it, hopefully in a positive light. When you see that beautiful tiny red notification beacon of back-patting light up with a number in the bottom right corner of your screen, you immediately become excited!

” Awesome, someone must have LOVED  my latest clever post! Who could it be? I’m so excited!… Let’s take a look… NO!!!!!!!!”

Disappointment, or as we now say, disapostment,  quickly sets in as you read the notification and it does not pertain to your post! Instead it’s a comment from some lame-o stranger (or a stepfriend) who also commented on some friend’s dumb movie quote you “liked” five weeks ago and forgot about.

“Dammit!! No more ‘liking’ stuff or commenting! Ever!!! It’s all about me!”

“Chattack”

You’re having a lovely evening drinking some wine, checking in with the old Facebook, seeing who’s up to what… having some giggles, looking at some old funny photos and…

BLOOOP! [Chat Window opens]

AGHH! Chat Attack!!!

Nooooooo! Shocked and dismayed, you immediately close Facebook without replying… and then close the browser window… and then shut off the computer and tip toe away from your desk being as quiet as you can. Shhhh!  (Why quietly? Facebook Chat can hear you!)

“Suggestshuns”

Facebook and other friends often suggest people you should be friends with. When you receive these Friend Suggestions, remember, the “Ignore” button is a very handy tool.

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“Wendy works from home quite a lot, and she sends emails every couple of hours to prove she’s actually being productive. Must be a pain typing in the old iPhone while you’re on the stair climber at the gym, driving to the shore or hitting the sale racks at Bloomingdales?”

“It’s pretty obvious she’s not working,” said marketing assistant Doug Barry. “All her emails just ask trivial questions she already knows the answer to, or inquires about the status of something.

It’s never like, ‘Here’s the edited copy for that ad you needed last week’ or ‘I’ve finally finished your performance review, what else ya need?’ That would be actual work. I usually just wait a half hour to respond because I know she’s out the door as soon as she sends it.”

“Why can’t we just be honest? When I get to work from home… one day, I hope… I’ll just send an email to all with the subject line: ‘Playing EverQuest all day, with an occasional masturbation break, don’t you dare interrupt me.’”

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“I was in the loo a couple months ago and I heard some grumbling next to me. I could tell it was Glen by his shiny black wingtips. The frightening murmurs quickly escalated to some serious growls and rapid huffing and puffing. I thought he was joking. But after two minutes, it did not stop. I got out of there quickly. I thought he was having a heart attack,” Satish said.

“I quickly returned with Craig, our company’s legal counsel — he knows CPR. As we approached the bathroom door, Glen came walking out whistling happily with a newspaper under his arm.”

Satish continued, “Craig told me to relax, Glen was just dropping a ‘few fat friends off at the lake.’ But, I could see beads of sweat trickling down his temple. It was obvious Glen had just stared the Grim Reaper in the face and barely escaped.”

A few minutes later, Rich from marketing ran out of the bathroom holding his nose while gasping, “I think someone just had a shit-balloon fight in stall two, DO NOT go in there!”

A few days later, the unsavory scene repeated itself. Glen was in his favorite stall, exerting tremendous energy trying to move his unyielding bowels. But the knotted fecal impaction wadded in his colon was clearly winning the battle of the butt.

Glen was coaching himself for about three straight minutes, pleading in a strained whine, “Come on boy, let her rip, come on, please… please Lord… come on out… Jesus effing Christ, just come the eff out you little pieces of shit!”

Unfortunately, Satish just happened to be in the adjacent stall again, front and center for the truly disgusting porcelain performance. “I was very scared, yet I could not move. I was paralyzed with the need to know what was going to happen to Glen,” said a visibly upset Satish.

“Suddenly, I heard a rapid succession of giant splashing sounds followed by, ‘Thank you Jesus, thank you, thank you, sweet Lord!’ Then an insidious waft of stink hit me like a turd slingshot to the face. I saw some water hit the floor from the massive displacement. I let out a shriek and sped out of the bathroom without washing my hands. I heard Glen saying ‘Hey, who’s there… everything’s cool… don’t worry dude…”

Feeling even better about his semi-healthy, vegetarian lifestyle, Satish reflected.

“Glen is in very bad shape. He eats two McGriddles for breakfast every morning, Big Macs for lunch every day, smokes cigars, drinks only coffee and scotch, and watches Rock of Love, you know, real vile behavior.”

“I feel like I should say something to him, but it’s kind of awkward and we’re really not that good of friends. Actually, he might be better off if he dies… we all would… especially the poor cleaning people.”

This story and more now available in handy-dandy book form, perfect for the study or bathroom!

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