SM Shrake: No, Facebook, What are YOU doing right now? You always ask me and I never ask you, Facebook! So, what’s up? You give us a status update.
December 2, 2008 at 5:31pm

Before everything goes fully a’Twitter (I never will), I want to immortalize the art of the Facebook status update.

Did you know you can keep going back and back with the “Older Posts” button on Facebook, all the way to the beginning? You can see your whole “wall” history. And maybe that would be a good thing for you to do, to see how boring you’ve been, how ashamed you should be…

The following are REAL-LIFE specimens of unfathomably lame-assed status updates I have seen on my Newsfeed, from people I can’t believe I call my friends. Actually, posting status updates like this gets you defriended quickly by me; this amounts to a collection of Facebook epitaphs for casualties of my defriending storms:

“[ ]… is at work trying to accomplish some tasks.” “[ ]… is getting stuff done.” “[ ]… is starving!” “[ ]… is glad to be done with work for the day.” “[ ]… is ready for the weekend.” “[ ]… is ready for this week to be over!!” “[ ]… is looking forward to Friday.” “[ ]… is getting coffee.” “[ ]… is disappointed.” “[ ]… is hoping that today is better than yesterday.” “[ ]… is thankful.” “[ ]… is predicting a crazy, if not unexpectedly so, week.” “[ ]… is wishing that the weekend wasn’t over!” “[ ]… had a great night last night.” “[ ]… has finished putting away the dishes.”

In response to such megatwaddle, I launched an ongoing anti-boring-status-update campaign through my own status updates:

SM Shrake … It’s raining boring status updates! April 20, 2009 at 1:11pm

… What is this, Night of a Thousand Boring/Cringe-Inducing Status Updates? February 15, 2009 at 1:23am

… is gearing up to talk about the WEEKEND with other weekend fans! Please don’t forget to ask me if I have any big plans. I love talking to you about it. January 9, 2009 at 1:12pm

… is itchin’ for some days-of-the-week talk. Here, I’ll start. Sure don’t seem like a Friday, does it? January 2, 2009 at 10:45am

… Oookaaay, let’s bring the room down a little. Anybody want to talk about how it’s Friday? TGIF! Woohoo! Mondays suck! Fridays RULE! December 19, 2008 at 2:01pm

… has today and Monday off. JEALOUS? Hey, anyone want to chat about the days of the week with me? I’m around. August 1, 2008 at 9:30am

WHY DO WE BROADCAST OUR STATUS TO THE WORLD? What kind of exhibitionistic freaks have we become? I remember on the chronically, bafflingly F.U.B.A.R. flop Friendster they had some kind of status bar, I can’t remember the magical little name for it, though. It seemed dumb then. Twitter seems dumb now. The first time I heard about Twitter, which was around the time in late 2007 that I joined Facebook, I thought “Oh, HELL no.” And I haven’t budged.

What is the difference between stultifying, numbingly banal status updates and ones that are worth reading? Well, if it’s about you or me — about our persons — it should tell something that is not boring, but rather, interesting. It should evince some kind of a reaction in my brain beyond stunned boredom.

SM Shrake… so, the memorial service is over… where are they planning to take Michael Jackson’s remains now? Does anyone know? Are they just going to drive around until they run out of gas, rather than admit there’s no plan? July 7, 2009 at 4:20pm

… COLLEAGUE: Did you get new glasses, Scott? You look different. SM: No, I’m getting really fat, so my glasses just look smaller. But they’re the same ones. May 6, 2009 at 5:53pm

… is nice once he gets to know you. So don’t think of him as “mean” or “scary” — think of him as “pre-nice.” April 10, 2009 at 11:08am

… knows he’s getting old, because he habitually refers to his iPod as a “Walkman” (much as Grandma Shrake used to call the refrigerator an “ice box”). March 13, 2009 at 10:26am

… wants to be on “Intervention.” But no one loves him, so it won’t happen in this lifetime. March 9, 2009 at 9:27pm

… is going to a puppet show with his ex tonight. Bringing some of my own puppets along so I can maybe get in on the act. February 15, 2009 at 3:54pm

… would be so embarrassed if anyone knew what song he is listening to (Hanson, “Mmm Bop”)… Oops, I guess it’s no longer “a secret no one knows.” January 15, 2009 at 3:48pm

… was thinking the other night: If I’m fat, then fat is hot. December 16, 2008 at 10:59am

… is returning to bed after eating some fried chicken for breakfast. December 12, 2008 at 10:22am

… is torn between two physical therapists, feeling like a fool. Getting manhandled by both of them is breaking all the rules. December 4, 2008 at 11:33am

… is dreading another weekend. November 21, 2008 at 2:15pm

…, when he was under 18, used to like it when he would get cards and letters from his grandparents addressed to “Master SM Shrake”. November 13, 2008 at 12:09pm

… is going to be at Halo later if you want to come try and assassinate him. May 16, 2008 at 5:07pm

… would never defriend the hand that feeds him. April 9, 2008 at 10:01am

… wonders if anyone else, as he does, wonders if others can hear the lame light-rock music you’re listening to on your iPod. January 11, 2008 at 11:42am

WHAT ARE THE NECESSARY AIMS OF A GOOD TOPICAL STATUS UPDATE? It should entertain, delight, challenge, blow a mind or two. This is all about realizing and fully accepting that Facebook is a stage, and we’re all players.

POLITICS

SM Shrake…
… thinks it would have been funny if President Obama had given the interview to Al-Arabiya in FLUENT ARABIC. January 27, 2009 at 10:20am

… is amused that it’s Obama’s first day on the job and the first day I was blocked by his motorcade! I just put on some Mary J. Blige and chilled while we waited. January 21, 2009 at 10:12am

… is going to ask Diego, the Barber to the Chief Justices, to give me a “John Roberts.” Cuz I wanna look like Justice John Roberts. Or should I get a “Rehnquist”? January 8, 2009 at 3:44pm

… “split his ticket” on Tuesday: He circled Barack Obama and crossed out Joe Biden, and crossed out John McCain and circled Sarah Palin. You can do that, right? November 6, 2008 at 10:35am

… is feeling weightless, in silent awe that this 8-year-long nightmare will soon be over. It’s deeply personal, jiggling every molecule in my body. November 4, 2008 at 4:21pm

… thought he had heard Sarah Palin say she and John McCain both believe “you can’t blink.” But last night at the debate, he showed he can blink like a champ. October 16, 2008 at 12:23pm

… is waiting for Hillary to walk him down the aisle and give him away to Barack. June 4, 2008 at 1:52pm

… doesn’t think the media is making a silk purse out of a sow’s ear with Obama… just a silk purse out of some above-average polyester. February 22, 2008 at 10:43am

… Even if Hillary found a cure for AIDS tomorrow, the headline from our super-fair media would be: “Clinton Pathetically Tries to Upstage Obama by Curing Disease That Was Started by Her Husband Anyway”. February 14, 2008 at 3:00pm

MISCELLANY

… Attention, people: Just because it’s warm doesn’t mean you have to immediately put on your scummy flip-flops and make everyone look at your feet. Grow up. March 7, 2009 at 5:55pm

… wonders if it’s okay, in lieu of “the Talk,” to just buy someone a copy of the book “He’s Just Not That into You” and say, “Here, read this.” March 3, 2009 at 8:58pm

… RE: Valentine’s Day: Do leather daddies give those LEATHER ROSES they sell at the gas station to their partners? If not, who buys them? February 14, 2009 at 9:57am

… is offended that Béyoncé was allowed to sing the song “At Last” for the Obamas’ first inaugurational dance. She would be great at a children’s talent show, but she is not up to this task. January 20, 2009 at 8:42pm

… The song playing in the cab, Nancy claims, was “Secret Agent Man.” But I swear it’s “Secret Asian Man.” Oh, secret Asian man: When will you come out as Asian? December 8, 2008 at 9:58pm

… Bogus business-speak terms of the day: “Pain points” and “sweet spots.” Is it a business or an S&M dungeon? December 5, 2008 at 11:56am

… paraphrases the Stones: You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you just might find you can’t get what you need either. October 13, 2008 at 1:46pm

… loves the strangeness of life. Barbra Streisand and I are both HuffPost contributors now. Reunited, and it feels so good! September 20, 2008 at 2:55pm

… likes “Intervention” so much that y’all might need to do an intervention on him to cure him of his “Intervention” addiction. An “Intervention” intervention. June 23, 2008 at 9:18pm

… called Barbra Streisand to wish her a happy birthday, but she was out so I talked to James Brolin for a while and told him he should blog for HuffPost. April 24, 2008 at 3:30pm

… I guess when they tried to make Amy Winehouse go to rehab this time, she said “Yes, yes, yes.” January 24, 2008 at 3:05pm

… is wondering what Evel Knievel’s funeral will involve, stunt-wise. December 10, 2007

I AM A PERFORMER and I only like (to hear things from) other performers. FB is a public forum, and you owe your “reading public” something more than “SM is at work.” Facebook gets it, actually: They have that HIDE feature now, where you can “shut” your most boring friends “up” (“down”?). Praise the Lord for that. One more pointless status update, [ ], and you’re getting hidden with extreme prejudice.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

AND YOU CAN FRIEND HIM ON FACEBOOK!

Photos: Actor Jeff Bridges is pretty handy with a camera, here’s a cool collection of behind-the-scenes photos from the “Iron Man” movie. I like the shot with Mrs. Coldplay on the cell phone. She’s so very busy.   [via metafilter]

Boo! The 10 Worst Corporations of 2008

Boo: Part 2! I don’t read Paste magazine (sorry, I know you all do), and based on their #1 of 2008, I won’t start now. I could see if this was “Parade” magazine’s list. I’ve had my fill of overly-precious indie rock and the ephemeral hype that surrounds it.  I miss Punk Planet.

Speaking of zines, I know it’s silly to bust on a lame old rag like Rolling Stone, but they have really just completely stopped trying.

Retail Me Not: This coupon code website just saved me $12 on an online order. Hooray for saving money by doing very little work!

Good Christmas Music! WOXY Holiday Mixer is back and more joyful and triumphant than ever! And don’t forget our list:  Favorite Modern Holiday/Christmas Songs.

WTF: The Foo Fighters appear on tonight’s Top Chef.

Today’s Great Gift Idea: Kurt Halsey’s 2009 Wall Calendar

Holy Headshot! Comedian Patrick Borelli has a fun new book and an interview in the NY Times. What’s the book about, you ask?

Holy Headshot is an amazing collection of the funniest, strangest, most captivating performers’ headshots and resumes you have ever seen.

New Bio: The Vacant Stare of an Overwhelmed Woman with Very Little to Say

For The Ladies: Jim Gaffigan is on his Sexy Tour.

Yes, It’s Now Safe to Look Back and Laugh: The Daily Show’s Very Best of Sarah Palin

Pt. 1: Why We Are Cousins

EXPECTATIONS MANAGEMENT NOTE: This is not a parody like others you’ve seen on UsedWigs. It’s not supposed to be funny. This is real.

Fact: My grandmother’s maiden name was Heath. Fact: Sarah Palin’s maiden name is Heath. Republican-style fact synthesis: That makes us cousins!

Jealous?

From having a shared last name to being cousins might sound like a stretch, I know. From PTA to small-town mayor to ceremonial governor to leader-in-waiting of the free world sounded like a stretch, too, a month ago. Stretching is in. Don’t worry.

Fact (true, non-Republican kind): The Heaths in both my family tree and Sarah’s can be traced back to England in the 1500s, and came over to Massachusetts in the 1600s, right at the founding of this great U.S. America.* In case you don’t understand: Our ancestors were also cousins.

As if the family tree weren’t enough proof: Just look at the noses of my Great-Great Grandfather Heath (Nose 1) and her dad, my Uncle Chuck (Nose 2). They’re clearly the same. Cousin Sarah and I share a nasal heritage. Maybe that’s why we talk the same, too!

I wasn’t surprised when I seen my cousin up there next to John McCain on August 29. I knew she was ready. Well, I was a little surprised. I was surprised before I wasn’t surprised, let’s put it that way.

I was also surprised that she was my cousin. But she clearly is.

Why did I wait till this moment to announce this fact? Because we Heaths like to surprise ya.

Now that I’ve established to everyone’s satisfaction that Sarah Heath Palin and I are cousins, how do I feel about it?

I feel AWESOME about it.

Mostly I’m excited that when (not if!) McCain/Palin wins in a landslide (FOUR MORE YEARS!) and the Palins move in to the vice president’s house at the Naval Observatory, which is, like, a mile from my apartment, that she’s going to be calling me to baby-sit Pillow and Trog or whatever their names are! My little cousins.

I don’t know nothing ’bout no baby-sitting! LOL. I guess it’ll be okay, though. I can watch the little special-needs baby, no problem. What could go wrong? Cousin Sarah doesn’t have much experience doing a lot of things, either, like whatever it is that VPs do. Who needs it? Everything will be fine.

In exchange for baby-sitting my little cousins, though, I expect to be handed a cushy government job from Cousin Sarah when she gets to Washington to clean it up. And I’ll say “Thanks,” but NOT “no thanks”! I’ll just say thanks, in other words.

Good luck in your debate tonight, Sarah! OMG you’re gonna do so good! But you wanna know what? No matter how good you do, you’ll still be my cousin.

Coming Soon: “Sarah Palin Is My Cousin, Part 2: First Cousins Putting Country First!” in which I discuss how Sarah and I are going to remake America. As a family.

*Shortly after that, the Supreme Court introduced the Constitution. But more about Sarah, Todd (hint, hint! Who’d be a good Supreme Court justice, huh?) and I and our place in history in Part 2.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.