Headlines ripped from the pages of our book Quality Workday Distractions, available now for gift giving! Remember, comedian Jim Gaffigan says, “UsedWigs.com is like the bacon of the internet. Mmm. UsedWigs.”

I’m pretty certain the Internet will blow up soon, and with that, millions upon million of nonsense-filled webpages and countless gigs of nut-punching videos will be lost forever. Sad, but it’s inevitable.
That’s why I gathered up some of my favorite musings from this website and put them in book form.

They shall be preserved for the future generation of belligerent, ferocious apes who will one day enslave all humans and rule the earth… and learn to read. In that exact order. So, that’s why this book is staring you in the face. It’s for the apes.

Reality lifestyle channel TLC is throwing its hat in the home improvement ring and doing so in a very aggressive manner. The channel’s new show “DIY Disaster Rescue!” will send a host and a work crew to “fix” home improvement projects already done by shows on the DIY network.

Our book “Quality Workday Distraction” is now available on Amazon and I am very excited. I just hi-fived the photos of Noam Chomsky and Matt Rolloff on my wall… anyway… I know some of you have purchased and even skimmed through the book (we all go potty now and then, am I right people?), so would you be so kind to write a small review on my Amazon page:

Philadelphia – Vicki Larkin was worried. Her boyfriend Scott seemed depressed. He was sleeping late, acting grumpy and thumbing his nose at any suggestion of exercise or a change to a healthier lifestyle.

Scott plays bass in Cousin Tweedy, a popular Philly-based alt-country band that gigs about three to four times a week. Scott stays [...]

In an attempt to make friends at his new school, Leo Jeffries started a Scrabble® Club. The skinny, 14-year-old Freshman was shocked to find out that an esteemed learning institution like Manasquan High School did not already have a Scrabble® club.

Within a day of posting fifty bright yellow “Do You Dabble in Scrabble?” flyers in [...]

[NOTE: This quessay is cross-posted on HuffingtonPost.com]

*Big ups to Crispin Glover, who really should’ve run for president this year, and who once wrote an “essay” called “What Is It?” composed only of questions, with a subtly discernible anti-Steven Spielberg thrust to it. Subtly discernible, the way the media’s anti-Hillary Clinton bias is subtle. I’m paying [...]

After 26 months of almost 100-percent inactivity, OviTech Solutions’ office shower has been designated the new official storage area for copy paper, file folders and presentation binders. Office manager Pam Superstein made the announcement in an intra-office email.

The audibly disappointed Superstein described the situation,”When they first designed the office, we had high [...]

Broken stop signs don’t just fix themselves. It takes a well-oiled machine firing on all cylinders to get the job done. You need the right tools, expert planning, unflagging dedication and in the city of Philadelphia, at least 8 members of their Public Works Streets Department crew.

With a solid six hours scheduled for the repair [...]

This story and more now available in handy-dandy book form, perfect for the study or bathroom!

“Jeff Lyons takes his best satiric news, pop culture musings, oddly interesting lists and other quality workday distractions from his popular website UsedWigs.com and puts them in a handy little book perfect for a quiet night in the study or [...]