With our schools being overrun with Sophias, Emmas, Jacobs and Ethans, finding new inspiration for naming our children is a must. Look no further than the safe confines of your home. Just open up the cabinets!

• Smucker
• Pam
• Beano
• Dyson
• Oral B.
• Cremora
• Flonase
• Ortega
• Comet
• Summer Eve
• Stouffer
• Drano
• Brawny
• Baco
• Dixie
• Monistat 7
• Swanson
• Charmin
• Borden
• Eukanuba
• Sparkle

In an attempt to make friends at his new school, Leo Jeffries started a Scrabble Club. The skinny, 14-year-old freshman was shocked to find out that an esteemed learning institution like Elmont High School did not already have a Scrabble club.

Within a day of posting fifty bright yellow “Do You Dabble in Scrabble?” flyers in the hallways, over 100 enthusiastic students signed up for the fledgling club.

“I was so excited to meet all these cool people! There is a great mix of kids in the club… jocks, cheerleaders, student body officers and lots of other popular kids. I never knew there were so many people into Scrabble word games, anagrams and etymology. It’s great! I even met a really nice girl and we are going on a date this Saturday night. I can’t wait…”

Suddenly, the ebullient Leo is rudely interrupted mid-sentence by the blaring morning alarm clock of reality that awakens the confused lad and ends yet another dream that will never, ever come true.

Headlines ripped from the pages of our new book “Quality Workday Distractions!” Buy a copy (of 5!) and get more great news you can use! Comedian Jim Gaffigan says, “UsedWigs.com is like the bacon of the internet. Mmm. UsedWigs.”

• Inventor Kid Invents Useless Piece of Crap!

• 99% of Indians Polled Find Gay Cowboy Movie Very Realistic!
• Cancer Awareness Bracelets Found to Cause Cancer!
• Disturbing Hidden Camera Footage Reveals Local Health Club Still Playing Fabulous Thunderbirds Videos!
• ‘Real World’ Cast Member Dies During ‘Gauntlet’ Event, Doctor Determines Cause of Death to Be Old Age!
• Trader Joe’s Employee Goes from ‘Very Friendly’ to ‘Very Irritating’ in a Matter of Seconds!
• Rabid Sports Fan Hits Rock Bottom, Joins Fantasy Paintball League!
• Kevin Costner and a Really Bad Premise Team Up Once Again for New Movie!

More here: news, nonsense, pop culture lists, band names and more!

Price: $13.95

Buy Here: Amazon

After 26 months of almost 100-percent inactivity, OviTech Solutions’ office shower has been designated the new official storage area for copy paper, file folders and presentation binders. Office manager Pam Superstein made the announcement in an intra-office email.

The audibly disappointed Superstein described the situation,”When they first designed the office, we had high hopes for the shower. Everyone said we needed at least two shower stalls since many of the employees would be biking and running to and from work. We’re a technology company with lots of young, energetic people, so it made sense.”

“I think our CEO, Red, used it once the first week we moved in, after a quick lunchtime run. He made a big deal about it, walking around the office in his sweaty clothes for a good while. He hasn’t run since. No one has.”

Programmer Chris Duffy, whose cube sits adjacent to the new utility and storage center/closet, nodded and added: “People just started putting crap in the shower — old monitors, boxes, food wrappers… there wasn’t room anywhere else, I guess. I took the giant bottle of Prell last month, hate to see that go to waste.”

Superstein added, “The shower was hip and humanizing in a way, but converting it makes more sense from a square-inchage [sic] perspective.”

Just a month earlier, OviTech Solutions had converted its “gym” room — which consisted of a stationary bike, a treadmill, two Thighmasters and a Bowflex — into a new sales office, retrofitted with eight space-saver cubes. The gym equipment was offered to the employees at cost plus 10 percent. No takers.

More Good Stuff:

• Useful Noncommittal Responses
• New Facebook Terms You Should Know!
• Much Better Names for Coffee Shops with Free Wi-Fi
• McDonald’s Offers New “Dime Menu”
• More Minor Milestones

Headlines ripped from the pages of our book Quality Workday Distractions, available now for gift giving! Voted “Best Gift Ever” by this site.

• Inventor Kid Invents Useless Piece of Crap!
• Disturbing Hidden Camera Footage Reveals Local Health Club Still Playing Fabulous Thunderbirds Videos!
• Cancer Awareness Bracelets Found to Cause Cancer!
• ‘Real World’ Cast Member Dies During ‘Gauntlet’ Event, Doctor Determines Cause of Death to Be Old Age!
• $400 in Singles Later, Man Still Thinks He Has a Pretty Good Shot with Stripper!
• NBC’s Dateline Catches Last Predator, Internet Now Completely Safe!
• 99% of Indians Polled Find Gay Cowboy Movie Very Realistic!
• Rogue Second Life Avatar Creates Third Life, Where He Plays a Bald, Overweight Accountant with 3 Kids!
• Trader Joe’s Employee Goes from ‘Very Friendly’ to ‘Very Irritating’ in a Matter of Seconds!
• Rabid Sports Fan Hits Rock Bottom, Joins Fantasy Paintball League!
• Kevin Costner and a Really Bad Premise Team Up Once Again for New Movie!
• Rick James’ Ghost Assaults Two Women; Smokes Crack!
• ‘Are You Fatter Than a Fifth Grader?’ Gets Green Light on FOX!
• Ironic T-Shirts Clash at SXSW Festival, Thousands of Feelings Reported Hurt!
• NYC Rats Consider Stomach Stapling to Deal with Rising Obesity Problem!
• Thousands of Viewers Reported Sick After ‘The View’ Goes High Def!
• Forensic Experts Reveal Footprints Were Not God’s; You Were in Fact, Walking Alone during Your Most Troublesome Times!
• Jim Belushi Searches Fruitlessly Online for ‘According to Jim’ Save Our Show Campaign!
• Microsoft Employees Brace for Severe Backlash from Their Disappointed Kids Upon Receipt of Zunes Instead of iPods on Christmas Morning!
• Misplaced Script Found in Martin Scorsese’s Eyebrows 20 Years Later!
• Hulk Hogan’s Daughter Tests Positive for Gamma Radiation!
• Madonna Adopts Child in Africa, Buys Matching Luggage in Paris!
• Paula Deen Caught Eating an Entire Stick of Butter While Filming Cooking Show!
• Traffic Copter Crashes to Earth, Fiery Carnage Causes Eastbound Delays!
• After Years of Living a Lie, Lead Singer of Toto Admits He’s Never Really Been to Africa!
• Despite Numerous Requests, Il Divo Still Refuses to Sing “Whip It” in Concert!
• Child Lost When Mother Over-Mulches Garden Bed, Massive Search Continues!
• Suge Knight ‘Punk’d’ Episode Goes Horribly Wrong; Cast and Crew Found Dead!

Remember, comedian Jim Gaffigan says, “UsedWigs.com is like the bacon of the internet. Mmm. UsedWigs.”

Price: $10.95

Buy Here: Amazon

Reality lifestyle channel TLC is throwing its hardhat in the home improvement ring and doing so in a very aggressive manner. The channel’s new show “DIY Disaster Rescue!” will send a host and a work crew to “fix” home improvement projects already done by shows on the DIY network.

“Listen, those DIY guys are currently the only real game in town, so they can get away with doing shoddy, subpar work,” said Sid Grifton, a TLC producer. “Statistics show that more than half of the people who get projects done by “Yard Crashers,” “Man Caves” and those bricklayer cousins end up regretting the work, but don’t have the funds to fix it. That’s where we come in.”

Yard = Crashed

“I just wanted some new flowers and an affordable fence for some privacy in my yard, next thing I know, I have an outdoor sauna, a giant hot tub and this crazy shower hooked up to a garden hose all crammed into my little backyard,” said Marjorie Strake, a pretty 28-year-old nurse.

“I appreciate the thought, but I still don’t have a fence. What I do have is three teenage boys living next door gawking at me every time I sit in the backyard when it’s nice out. Needless to say, I have not used anything in my yard that would require a bathing suit.”

Marjorie allowed DIY’s “Yard Crashers” team, led by host Ahmed Hassan, to sweep into her yard on a Friday afternoon for 48-hours of non-stop improvements. “He talked to me a lot, but I don’t think he actually listened to what I wanted. He and his guys worked like they were one speed, it was crazy. They just gave me shovel and told me to dig things up.”

Many of the DIY shows have a quick turnaround and a project can become dizzying with the home owner’s perspective and good judgment lost in the frenzy of ideas.

“Looking back, I cannot believe Ahmed talked me into this. I must have been high. He told me ‘everyone has a fence, but not everyone has a party yard!’ He dug up my whole yard – my little vegetable garden, my rose bush and the area where I buried my cat Truffles. Now I have a woodchips, mulch, gravel, pavers, river stones, some Belgium block and enough outdoor  lighting to land a 747, but no where to lie out. All my grass is gone.”

Marjorie’s yard will be featured on the debut episode of the “DIY Disaster Rescue!” where host John Ratzenberger and his crew will install a new fence, dismantle the shower and put back some greenery. “I’ll just be glad if they listen to me and get rid of everything… I might keep the sauna, though… my bike and garden supplies fit in there nicely.”

“Marjorie is the perfect example of the type of victim — I’m sorry, lucky home owner –who DIY producers pounce on. Yes, they give you some free stuff, but the majority of it is from their advertisers and they need to get on the show anyway they can. So the home owner’s needs kind of take a back seat to the 10-foot-long stainless steel outdoor wine bar with granite top that they need to plop onto your little rowhouse patio,” said Grifton.

Future episodes feature the “Disaster Squad” fixing unfortunate projects from these popular DIY shows:

Man Caves

“Looking back, I think having a loud, obese ex-football player with no carpentry skills build me a couch was a bad idea. Having him pick out paint chips was also pretty dumb. Oh, and the Sopranos artwork really didn’t go with the “outdoorsmen” theme I wanted for my man cave.” – Frank from CA.

“My wife wanted to surprise me. Bad move. Look, I like golf but I am in no way a fanatic. It’s really just an excuse to leave the house for a few hours. Anyway, my wife had the Man Cavers in and now our basement looks like a strip mall Sports Bar… my nice berber carpet was ripped up and replaced with this insanely rough putting green material and I have a giant mural of Tiger Woods staring at me when I watch TV. I really need this gone ASAP. I can’t walk barefoot in my basement now.” – Rick, AZ

Rock Solid

“These guys were nice, but a bit pushy with their ideas, especially their “outdoor pizza oven” ideas. We already had a nice built-in grill outside, we just wanted new stones for the patio, but they went ahead and ‘surprised’ us with a huge, rock-covered, industrial-sized pizza oven that takes up a good portion of our patio. I think it’s 18-feet-tall, it actually blocks out the sun. We don’t eat pizza a lot and I don’t know what else I’d cook in there. I got a couple quotes, it will cost around $1,200 to have it demolished and removed.” – Samantha, MA

“I didn’t realize you could build an entire children’s jungle gym set out of bricks and stones. I’m speechless. Maybe I should have said no to the smaller fella when he asked if we wanted something special for the kids. But I didn’t. The kids hate the new Arizona Creek Rock slide. It really hurts. My wife was horrified, and I was going to say something but the big guy put his giant, meaty paw on my shoulder and said, ‘It’s great right? You love it!’ I was a bit scared.” – Carl, VA

Yard Crashers

“Why do we have a $4,500 water feature in our backyard? I can’t answer that. I also can’t tell you what it does… except for being the final resting place of a raccoon that decides it was a good place to die.” – Kelly, PA

“We have a 20x 20 foot backyard and now half of is a bocce ball court. I guess Ahmed thought because I’m Italian, I’d like it. And I did… for about a weekend, now I want it gone, capiche! I need room to plant my tomatoes.” – Enzio, NJ

More News

• Sneak Peek at Twitter 2.0!
• Hollywood Height Chart
• The Huffington Post: Making Reading Painful
• Is There Anything Sayid Can’t Do Well?
• UsedWigs New Book: “Quality Workday Distractions”

Our book “Quality Workday Distraction” is now available on Amazon and I am very excited. I just hi-fived the photos of Noam Chomsky and Matt Rolloff on my wall. Anyway, I know some of you have purchased, borrowed and even skimmed through the book (we all go potty now and then, am I right people?), so would you be so kind to write a small review on my Amazon page:

Amazon Book Link

(if you haven’t read my book, just think of something really, really funny and write about that in the review. Just replace “Funny Guy Dancing Video” with “Quality Workday Distractions.”)

Currently the Amazon page is pretty darn bare and the book is real sad and could use some encouragement. And since you’ll be visiting my Amazon page, you might want to press that super fun “Add to Cart” button. The book loves to go there and become an affordable, sensible gift for someone you truly love and or admire.

Only $13.95

More Book Info: UsedWigs New Book: “Quality Workday Distractions”

Philadelphia – Vicki Larkin was worried. Her boyfriend Scott seemed depressed. He was sleeping late, acting grumpy and thumbing his nose at any suggestion of exercise or a change to a healthier lifestyle.

Scott plays bass in Cousin Tweedy, a popular Philly-based alt-country band that gigs about three to four times a week. Scott stays up till the wee hours, drinks copious amounts of scotch and rarely sees Vicki, who works during the day as an account executive.

“If I was home, I’d make sure he’d get out of the house and eat right,” laments a concerned Vicki. “But I can’t, so I had to think out of the box for a solution to this problem.”

“One day I saw this professional dog walker in our apartment building. Watching how good she was with the doggies and how happy the little guys seemed gave me a great idea. I struck up a conversation with her, and 10 minutes later I scheduled her for 4 half-hours visits each week with Scott.”

Fast Friends

Anna Watson has been walking dogs for six years and makes a good living. “I was looking to expand my business. I truly love dogs but they get a bit boring. You know, lots of one-sided conversations. So taking on lonely musicians needing exercise and company sounded very intriguing.”

“The first time I went to get Scott, around 11:00am on a rainy Tuesday, he was a bit timid and groggy. I think he just woke up. But after a little coffee and some playtime together (Rock Band: The Beatles, Daily News Jumble), he really perked up and seemed to like me.” Said a very pleased Anna.

Now, every time I go to the door, Scott bounds out of his room and greets me very enthusiastically. He keeps jumping up and down until I pat him on the head and give him his favorite treats, a gummy bear and a Marlboro Light. He is so sweet. I’ll say ‘Does somebody want to get some coffee-woffee?’ or ‘Who wants to go to the guitar shop and by some new stringy-wingies?’ and he’ll slobber happily as we prepare to go outside.”

Watson recommends taking it slow with housebound musicians. You have to gain their trust. They see most humans as “club-owner” types, who just want to rip them off and not pay them.

When you walk them around the city, they may growl at people who regularly bathe because the soap and deodorants are very foreign to their sense of smell. Sunscreen is also a must before you take them out for a walk. “Many of these nocturnal beings have not been in the sunlight in months and prolonged exposure to its harmful rays could permanently scar their ashen skin.

“I keep a bunch of pieces of old frozen pizza in my pocket to give to Scott as reward for behaving well,” beams Anna. “Sometimes when we happen upon another musician on the street, he’ll want to play or ask if they got representation or label interest. It’s sooooo cute.”

Results Are In

Vicki is ecstatic with the results. “Scott is a changed man. He showers almost daily and talks to me for a good twenty minutes before he picks up his guitar and puts on his headphones. Our relationship is definitely heading in the right direction.”

“And I just looooove Anna. She is extremely encouraging when he is good, She taught Scott to put his dishes in the sink. And she is very strict with him when he misbehaves. She said he is making good progress with his little peeing on the seat problem and still needs to remind him to get out of bed when he has to puke.”

Vicki adds, “Plus I love that Anna is homely, so there isn’t a great chance Scott will cheat on me again.”

[NOTE: This quessay is cross-posted on HuffingtonPost.com]

*Big ups to Crispin Glover, who really should’ve run for president this year, and who once wrote an “essay” called “What Is It?” composed only of questions, with a subtly discernible anti-Steven Spielberg thrust to it. Subtly discernible, the way the media’s anti-Hillary Clinton bias is subtle. I’m paying homage to Glover’s genre*** and giving it a name**: Quessay (question essay). (Actually, so no one accuses me of stealing anyone else’s words, according to Google as of today ONE OTHER person, someone named Rockin80sChick4ever, has used the term quessay. And I think she meant something else.)

Why have we seen Chelsea Clinton but not Bill in the audience at the recent one-on-one debates, and why don’t Michelle Obama and her daughters ever appear at them?

Isn’t it strangely prophetic that Barack Obama, in his 2006 book The Audacity of Hope, after admitting his own “unusually — and at times undeservedly — positive press coverage,” (p. 120) cites only these two people as an example of right-wing bias in the media: “A vote or speech by Hillary Clinton that runs against type is immediately labeled calculating; the same move by John McCain burnishes his maverick credentials” (p. 124)?

What would you say if you knew Hillary’s mom’s married name and Barack’s mom’s maiden name both end in “-ham” (Rodham and Dunham respectively)? Are the Rodhams and the Dunhams related? Isn’t Barack Obama distantly related to the current vice president, Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney?

Was Barack Obama’s maternal great-grandfather named Ralph Waldo Emerson Dunham? Did he die on October 4, 1970, the same day Janis Joplin died? Wasn’t Janis Joplin a drug addict?

Were rock stars Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison (rumored to have been) killed by the U.S. government?

Do Hillary Clinton, Mamie Eisenhower, Spiro Agnew, Laura Bush, Ralph Nader, Pat Buchanan, the late Bobby Kennedy, Michael Dukakis, Howard Dean, Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, Scarlett Johansson, Condoleezza Rice, Billy Graham and Maria Shriver all share a zodiac sign (Scorpio)?

Do Barack Obama, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Rosalynn Carter, Marilyn Quayle, Tipper Gore, Lynne Cheney, Bill Clinton, Phyllis Schlafly, Anita Hill, Fidel Castro, Loni Anderson, Caspar Weinberger, the late Jerry Falwell and Arnold Schwarzenegger all share a zodiac sign (Leo)?

Do scorpions sting themselves to death when cornered by an enemy, rather than be killed? Do lions roar a lot (“variations in intensity and pitch, rather than discrete signals, appear central to communication”****)?

Is it interesting that Barack H. Obama Sr. went to Harvard and earned a doctorate in economics, making Barack H. Obama Jr. a “legacy” student at Harvard? Did both Barack and Michelle Obama receive law degrees from Harvard, and did both Bill and Hillary Clinton receive law degrees from Yale? Who else went to Yale? Did any of Bill or Hillary Clintons’ parents attend Ivy League schools? Am I an Ivy League graduate? Was Bill Clinton the only person in his family of origin to attend college?

Is Barack Obama allowed, constitutionally, to pick Bill Clinton as his running mate?

Did Bill Clinton and Barack Obama’s fathers both die relatively young as a result of automobile accidents?

Do William J. Blythe III (Bill Clinton), John S. McCain III and Barack H. Obama II have numbers after their names that, all together, add up to eight (8), which is the same as the total combined number of books the three of them have been the top-billed authors of? Eight?

Does it surprise you that Hillary Clinton’s house in Washington, D.C., is the only one on the block with no house number displayed anywhere?

Where does Barack Obama live when he’s in D.C.? What’s his favorite restaurant? Is it the same restaurant favored by Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney? If not, why not?

In their youths, didn’t Bill Clinton meet John F. Kennedy and Hillary Rodham meet Martin Luther King Jr.?

Will Barack Obama respond to those calling for him to pick Bill Clinton as his running mate?

**When I was in grad school I would make up words all the time, but one of my sour-faced professors (a German) tried to rid me of the habit by writing in the margin: “It’s not necessary to invent a new word for the purposes of a term paper.”

***I’m also paying homage to the lists of intriguingly paranoiac questions that certain commenters from both fringe ends of the political spectrum like to insert into comment sections (again and again). Except my quessay is different because I can spell.

****Schaller, George B. The Serengeti Lion: A Study of Predator-Prey Relations. University of Chicago Press, 1972. pp. 103-113. Via Wikipedia.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

Broken stop signs don’t just fix themselves. It takes a well-oiled machine firing on all cylinders to get the job done. You need the right tools, expert planning, unflagging dedication and in the city of Philadelphia, at least 8 members of their Public Works Streets Department crew.

With a solid six hours scheduled for the repair work (and a few extra hours figured in for unforeseen problems), the Philadelphia Street Department deployed a team of nine hardhat-clad workers and three large city trucks to the tony suburb of Chestnut Hill where the malfunctioning street sign resided on a quiet side street at a four-way stop intersection. Crew chief Mack Colcannon assessed the situation after thoroughly scoping out the traffic hazard for three hours the day before.

“It looks bad. dangerous, to say the least,” said Colcannon as he sipped coffee and pointed to the sign. “When the top bolt falls out, the stop sign swings freely and ends up upside down pivoting on the bottom screw. This is not acceptable and must be fixed immediately, well, as soon as the paperwork passes through the bureau and gets approved, usually within 3 to 5 weeks.”

After a 30-minute game-plan meeting, the crew began working at 9:00 a.m. and placed traffic cones and large orange “Men Working” signs at both ends of the street, blocking the road and rerouting the morning traffic. “Safety first,” said Colcannon as he looked up from his Daily News sports section from the front seat of his truck.

Work progressed slowly but methodically with each worker — from the four flagmen directing the scant traffic away from the road to the three “spotters’ who made sure the “ladderman” was safe as he ascended the three rungs to reach the top of the sign — who made sure the job got done correctly with no mishaps.

“It’s physically tough, but rewarding work,” said spotter Bill Lambe. “And important! I mean would my boss, his two superiors and the Streets Department Regional Director spend all morning standing around drinking coffee and watching us if this wasn’t an important job? I don’t think so.” Lambe excused himself as he and the rest of the crew boarded their trucks and headed to a Wawa for their union mandated “morning break” (10:30 a.m.-10:50 a.m.).

After a solid and successful early afternoon of attacking the problematic sign head on, and getting it back in its upright position, the team encountered a roadblock. Even with lots of planning and skill, some jobs pose unique and unexpected challenges that can delay a timely completion.

“We brought the wrong bolt,” said Colcannon as he hopped in his truck and left to get the correct replacement after a quick team meeting.

Work may have halted for an hour or so, but the team took the time to rest up and re-energize (some napped under a large elm tree while others took refuge in the cab of their trucks) to prepare for the final leg of work.

Many workers are content to put in their 37.5 hours a week and collect a check. Many more would stop right at 4:35 p.m. (the official end of day for these union workers) and leave their work until the next day. Not this plucky bunch.

With the sign half fixed at the closing bell, these dedicated professionals stayed the extra two hours to finish the job and put in the necessary overtime to get the job done right. The overtime pay of twice their regular hourly rate was scant compensation for delaying their happy hour stop at Towey’s Tavern, and thus pushing back even further their return to wives, children and homes.

New screw secured. Sign fixed. Job well done.

Jeff Lyons
Suburban Beat Reporter

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