Prepare for "The 1990s Redux" with These Self-Help Books

SM Shrake — Sun, 27 Jan 2008 01:24:27 +0000

I recently went down to my storage unit and got out a box labeled “1990s Memories” to get myself prepared to go on a trip back to the ’90s, and I found this list I wrote back then called “Self-Help Books Someone Should Write.” Remember self-help?

Remember the backlash against it? I must’ve written this during the backlash. After I had discovered and befriended my inner child, who ended up being a total asshole.

There were a lot of projected titles in the list, but still not enough, so I added some. So before the ’00s become the ’90s again and all lines between past and present are irrevocably blurred, see if you can guess which ones are new.

Communication

“First Off, I’m Crazy”: How to Talk to New People You Meet
Controlling Others for Dummies
Daily Altercations
How to Gain Stalkers by Being Nice to People
Party Lies: 100 Elaborate Whoppers to Tell People When You’re Drunk

Personal Growth

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Persuading Yourself to Get Out of Bed in the Afternoon
Smile-Free… for Life!
Choose the Right Personality for Every Occasion
Find Your “True” Age (Hint: Subtract Your Birth Year from This Year)

Friends and Family Relationships

Friendbusters
Dare to De-Friend
100 Great Grudges and How to Hold Them… for Life!
Speak When Spoken To: A Stern Warning to Children in the New Millennium
What to Do When Your Family Is Stupid Looking

Love and Romance

Date-Free Weekend Nights… for Life!
Fall in Love… with Rejection!
Fall in Love… with Rejection… Again!

Coping Skills

It’s Your Own Fault You’re Alive
The “Accidental” Overdose Handbook
Real Men Suffer in Silence
When Everyone You Love or Even Like Is Dead: A Guide to Coping with Old Age

General/Miscellaneous

The Mood-a-Minute Guide
The Empathy Myth: How Compassion Is Poisoning Our Culture
Put Your OCD to Work for the Environment
Show Me the Substance and I’ll Abuse It: One Man’s Inspiring Tale of Addiction
“Carry My Baggage for Me”: Embracing Others’ Mental Problems
Fun Is Dead

Useful Noncommittal Responses

Jeff — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 14:15:06 +0000

Why offend when confronted with people’s questionable taste? Just answer politely with the following meaningless responses.

Situation: A coworker goes on and on about a lame place they visited.
Response: “I can totally see you having fun there.”

Situation: A friend tells you about a horrible band he just loves.
Response: “I hear they have many fans.”

Situation: You are served horrible food at a friend’s house.
Response: “I can tell this is homemade.”

Situation: Someone gushes about a lame TV show or movie.
Response: “That’s so right up your alley.”

Situation: A woman friend asks your opinion on her god-awful outfit.
Response: “I bet you’ll get a lot of wear out of that.”

Situation: The viewing of a less than attractive newborn.
Response: “Wow, what a baby!”

Situation: A buddy asks what you think about his new ugly girlfriend.
Response: “Dude, she seems really into you.”

Situation: A gal pal asks what you think about her new ugly boyfriend.
Response: “He seems like the type that won’t cheat.”

Situation: You discover your boyfriend is small in the pants.
Response: “It’s the perfect size.”

Situation: A good friend shows you his cheesy website.
Response: “I don’t know which animation to look at first!”

Situation: A guy at a party boasts about his boring job.
Response: “Holy cow, I could never do what you do!”

Situation: A friend gabs about her upcoming wedding for months on end.
Response: “I cannot wait ’til you get married. We’re all counting the days.”

Situation: An acquaintance asks what you think about her new hair style.
Response: “You know, not everyone can pull that off.”

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