Reality lifestyle channel TLC is throwing its hardhat in the home improvement ring and doing so in a very aggressive manner. The channel’s new show “DIY Disaster Rescue!” will send a host and a work crew to “fix” home improvement projects already done by shows on the DIY network.

“Listen, those DIY guys are currently the only real game in town, so they can get away with doing shoddy, subpar work,” said Sid Grifton, a TLC producer. “Statistics show that more than half of the people who get projects done by “Yard Crashers,” “Man Caves” and those bricklayer cousins end up regretting the work, but don’t have the funds to fix it. That’s where we come in.”

Yard = Crashed

“I just wanted some new flowers and an affordable fence for some privacy in my yard, next thing I know, I have an outdoor sauna, a giant hot tub and this crazy shower hooked up to a garden hose all crammed into my little backyard,” said Marjorie Strake, a pretty 28-year-old nurse.

“I appreciate the thought, but I still don’t have a fence. What I do have is three teenage boys living next door gawking at me every time I sit in the backyard when it’s nice out. Needless to say, I have not used anything in my yard that would require a bathing suit.”

Marjorie allowed DIY’s “Yard Crashers” team, led by host Ahmed Hassan, to sweep into her yard on a Friday afternoon for 48-hours of non-stop improvements. “He talked to me a lot, but I don’t think he actually listened to what I wanted. He and his guys worked like they were one speed, it was crazy. They just gave me shovel and told me to dig things up.”

Many of the DIY shows have a quick turnaround and a project can become dizzying with the home owner’s perspective and good judgment lost in the frenzy of ideas.

“Looking back, I cannot believe Ahmed talked me into this. I must have been high. He told me ‘everyone has a fence, but not everyone has a party yard!’ He dug up my whole yard – my little vegetable garden, my rose bush and the area where I buried my cat Truffles. Now I have a woodchips, mulch, gravel, pavers, river stones, some Belgium block and enough outdoor  lighting to land a 747, but no where to lie out. All my grass is gone.”

Marjorie’s yard will be featured on the debut episode of the “DIY Disaster Rescue!” where host John Ratzenberger and his crew will install a new fence, dismantle the shower and put back some greenery. “I’ll just be glad if they listen to me and get rid of everything… I might keep the sauna, though… my bike and garden supplies fit in there nicely.”

“Marjorie is the perfect example of the type of victim — I’m sorry, lucky home owner –who DIY producers pounce on. Yes, they give you some free stuff, but the majority of it is from their advertisers and they need to get on the show anyway they can. So the home owner’s needs kind of take a back seat to the 10-foot-long stainless steel outdoor wine bar with granite top that they need to plop onto your little rowhouse patio,” said Grifton.

Future episodes feature the “Disaster Squad” fixing unfortunate projects from these popular DIY shows:

Man Caves

“Looking back, I think having a loud, obese ex-football player with no carpentry skills build me a couch was a bad idea. Having him pick out paint chips was also pretty dumb. Oh, and the Sopranos artwork really didn’t go with the “outdoorsmen” theme I wanted for my man cave.” – Frank from CA.

“My wife wanted to surprise me. Bad move. Look, I like golf but I am in no way a fanatic. It’s really just an excuse to leave the house for a few hours. Anyway, my wife had the Man Cavers in and now our basement looks like a strip mall Sports Bar… my nice berber carpet was ripped up and replaced with this insanely rough putting green material and I have a giant mural of Tiger Woods staring at me when I watch TV. I really need this gone ASAP. I can’t walk barefoot in my basement now.” – Rick, AZ

Rock Solid

“These guys were nice, but a bit pushy with their ideas, especially their “outdoor pizza oven” ideas. We already had a nice built-in grill outside, we just wanted new stones for the patio, but they went ahead and ‘surprised’ us with a huge, rock-covered, industrial-sized pizza oven that takes up a good portion of our patio. I think it’s 18-feet-tall, it actually blocks out the sun. We don’t eat pizza a lot and I don’t know what else I’d cook in there. I got a couple quotes, it will cost around $1,200 to have it demolished and removed.” – Samantha, MA

“I didn’t realize you could build an entire children’s jungle gym set out of bricks and stones. I’m speechless. Maybe I should have said no to the smaller fella when he asked if we wanted something special for the kids. But I didn’t. The kids hate the new Arizona Creek Rock slide. It really hurts. My wife was horrified, and I was going to say something but the big guy put his giant, meaty paw on my shoulder and said, ‘It’s great right? You love it!’ I was a bit scared.” – Carl, VA

Yard Crashers

“Why do we have a $4,500 water feature in our backyard? I can’t answer that. I also can’t tell you what it does… except for being the final resting place of a raccoon that decides it was a good place to die.” – Kelly, PA

“We have a 20x 20 foot backyard and now half of is a bocce ball court. I guess Ahmed thought because I’m Italian, I’d like it. And I did… for about a weekend, now I want it gone, capiche! I need room to plant my tomatoes.” – Enzio, NJ

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Move Over Roloffs: Word on the street is TLC is dumping the borefest Roloff family and signing up lovely little 14-year-old Jyoti Amge for her own show. Just in time, looks like the twins are about to fail out of high school and no one wants to watch them kicking pumpkins around their dilapidated farm for the rest of their lives.

Jyoti is 1ft. 11 inches tall of blinged-out confidence. She totally rules, but did they really have to put her next to a water bottle to make their point? We get it. She’s small.

Just Stop. My Daily Writing Tip just told me to stop doing something I always do… damn you Daily Writing Tip!

In almost every case, striking out the word “just” will make a sentence stronger. It tends to make you sound either desperate when applied to yourself (“I just wondered if you could…”) or demanding when applied to the other person (“If you would just…”).

Perhaps you’d like to see some more proof why I’m a horrible writer. Really. It’s quite good.

Get Your Sexy Retro Tupperware Fix: Philly’s favorite thespians at 1812 Productions keep pumping out the fine antic entertainment. Check out “Suburban Love Songs” at the Plays & Players Theatre. It runs through April 27th.

Download Free MP3: “15th of August” (MP3) by Canadians. Think Teenage Fanclub meets Swervedriver in a lush Italian villa.

I’m Going to Jail: I’m guilty of about 236 counts of this heinous crime. Pray for me. (At least I keep the jewel cases.)

Um, why does my schnitzel have vomit all over it? Because it’s served on a rollercoaster, silly.