Todd Barry and Darren Aronofsky: The Original Black Swan from Darren Aronofsky

The ever-humble Todd Barry battles Darren Aronofsky’s mustache for funniest character in “The Deli Manager” (also starring actress Natalie Portman of “Mars Attacks!” fame).

Camper Von Bikethoven! Give it three weeks until you see a some dumb hipster trying to pull this off. Enjoy some more camper bike photos and paintings, then build your own why don’t cha. via @iamjolly

Speaking of… It’s pretty easy to tell the difference between those who bike to work for health reasons and those who do it for DUI reasons.

Ooopsie! Looks like Gizmodo’s Jason Chen made fun of a “Lazy Segway Mom” three years ago and just found out the woman was not actually lazy. She was in fact a “15-year cancer survivor who lost her left leg to the illness” and was just “helping take care of her grandniece.” Good lord I am not making fun of stupid-looking anonymous people ever again. Read the Giant Asshole’s (his words, not mine) apology here.

Julie Roberts’ Giant Mouthful of Teeth Are Back on The Big Screen: I bet you’d attract a larger audience if you added just one word to the end of the her latest horror movie title “Eat Pray Love”… that word being “Die”.

Don’t Forget: Blake Schwarzenbach’s new band — forgetters — has posted some new song clips. Go have a listen. EP Drops Sept. 21.

Congrats Phoenix! Best of luck rising from the ashes of your predatory student loans.

Awesome, Indeed! “Artists illustrate “Law & Order” plot synopses. Awesome.” via @timcarvell via @strangerslog

I Doot! The guests at The Clinton wedding got to pee pee and poo poo in style: $15,000 porta-potties.

We Love Sports! Dammit! My beach cruiser got a flat! There goes the .5 mile Bike stage of the Petite Triathlon. Hope the Boogie Board stage goes smoother.

Sit On It, Rudd! “Dinner for Schmucks? More like the Happy Days episode “Fonzie vs. The She Devils”.” Tweet by @RobPRocks

You Should Follow: Please check out Todd Barry‘s replies to the inane and semi-literate tweets of a very popular bad rapper:

Don’t worry. Pottery Barn is pretty good about refunds. RT @kanyewest Fur pillows are hard to actually sleep on

We could never hang. I love taxes. RT @kanyewest: I love everybody… only thing I don’t like is taxes.. me and taxes gone fight

True, but I’m still opening that typewriter repair shop. RT @kanyewest most businesses don’t make it out of their first year

Bad Idea #2354: Wishing the “Sh*t My Dad Says” show all the excitement, success and ratings that “Quarterlife” enjoyed. Fire your agent William Sh*tner.

Gear Head’s Up: Laurent Nivalle Photography: Le Mans Classic 2010 via Grain Edit

More Motorized Mayhem: This sweet ride was built in the 30s.

NO MORE ROBOTS! For The love of god, Japan, stop making things that will one day enslave us all.

Help Me: What’s the word for that “ashamed & miserable yet cocky & defiant” look always given by all the smokers outside my building?

Keeping Score at Facebook: Help our favorite disc jockey, WPRB’s Jon Solomon, get to 300 Facebook Friends before his bitter rival at Trash Flow Radio. The loser must dance atop a Q102 billboard on the PA turnpike for 24-straight hours (I think). For the love of god, follow now!

Oodles of Noodles: Watching a show about Okie Noodling. Interesting to learn about these terrifying creatures… and how they catch fish.

Quality Tweets of The Week Winners: View Tweets @Randazzoj @morgan_murphy @dubouchet @joshcomers and @toddmarrone.

Hollywood Baby News: Diablo Cody, the woman who made everyone officially tired of snark, just birthed a baby. She can’t decided between the names “Just Sayin’” or “Whatevs”

Breaking Breakfast News: Haven’t switched over to iced coffee, but wow, this iced omelet is very refreshing.

Pennsylvania Travel Tips: Heading to Dutch Wonderland with the family next month. It’s Dutch, so prostitutes and pot are totally cool, right?

Just Did Some Math… turns out the only people who enjoy Drag Queen entertainment MORE than me is every person on the planet.

Use Twitter as a convenient vessel for humoring yourself during the day, a little joke feed if you will. In seconds you can set up a Twitter account and follow some of your favorite comedians. Successful comedians work at night and have all afternoon to waste. When they’re not bothering their agents about roles they didn’t get, they tweet. A lot.

Twitter has become the number one (non-Asian-porn) diversion for these nocturnal beings. Many work out new bits in their tweets, some shoot the shit with fellow comics and some use it only to promote gigs (@attell), useful but not as fun for us. Follow a lot at first then pare down based on who entertains you the most. You can even heckle them. But remember, you’re not funny.

Aside: Celebrity Twitterers are boring, yes even Shaq and that guy from that show. Stay away. Until a tweet like this appears, “Demi and I on my Harley, cruising down the PCH… wow, that oncoming truck sure is getting clo.” Don’t follow them.

Back to the funny: I only follow about 10 comedians, and that’s more than enough for my recommended daily allowance of guffaws. Here are my three favorites:

Dave Hill – @mrdavehill

Life is very unfair to Dave Hill, but he somehow manages to keep his wits about him and documents the pain and misery he must endure being extremely stylish, fit, charming and probably the world’s greatest guitarist. Here are some recent tweets from Dave’s trip home to the parents for the holidays.

Driving back to NYC with my brother, my niece, and my nephew. They won’t let me control the radio. The bullshit never ends!!!

I’m trying to flood the kitchen so my parents will have no choice but to take me out to dinner. Desperate times call for desperate measures!

My dad is playing dramatic, minor key piano music to underscore his disappointment that I still haven’t shoveled the driveway. Not working.

Todd Barry – @toddbarry

Mega-star Todd Barry uses Twitter for two reasons: to remind the world he is very famous and deserves celebrity treatment (very true), and more importantly, to keep other comedians in check with the soul-crushing force of his vicious and venomous Retweets (RT).

“Text’d”? Congrats on abbreviating a word and keeping it the same length. RT @steveagee wow @toddbarry just text’d me…

To: @WholeFoods. Accidentally bought your 365 brand body lotion. Meant to buy conditioner. Please pick up+replace. I’m a MAJOR celebrity.

There’s a new place called ShutTheFuckUp’s. Try it! RT @jwoliner Anyone recommend good Vietnamese sandwiches near silverlake/los feliz?

Jon Wurster – @jonwurster

A newbie to the Twitosphere, this Superchunk drummer and WFMU Best Show guest, makes me LWP (laugh-while-pooping) on a daily basis. He may be a little out there for some, especially the nasty Twitter war he waged against the Pope’s nephew, Craig, but give Philly Boy Roy a chance, I think he’s the funniest guy on the planet.

Now I have TOO many followers. It’s upsetting because I know I’ll probably end up asking them to kill for me. Or at the very least burgle.

I need ten more followers and I will beat Craig Ratzinger. My thoughts go out to his uncle who got tackled by a chick the other night.

Just got my Xmas present from my rich uncle Steve. It’s a gift certificate to Burger King. For $15,000.00.

If you found this information helpful, please follow me: @usedwigs (and unfollow once I start complaining about those stupid Roloff twins). Feel free to tell me your favorite comedians on Twitter too, comment below.

• New Facebook Terms You Should Know!
• Much Better Names for Coffee Shops with Free Wi-Fi
• Very Creepy Pillows

I Date Dead People: “In 1999 The Sixth Sense was released, 10 years later 5A Films decided to find out what Cole Sear is up to now.”

Feel Like Getting Away? Gone Forever: What Does It Take to Really Disappear? Evan Ratliff, the author of this thought-provoking piece, has decided to disappear too, find him and win $5,000.

You Might Want to Stop Complaining About The Weather: Typhoon Morakot

Meatless Mondays: Better yet, all week long!

At Least It’s Not Fecal Matter for Once: Cocaine Contaminates Majority of U.S. Currency

Want to Learn About Inbound Marketing? Watch this video by Eugene Mirman. He’s  a “Hot Twitterer!”

Artful Reminders: Michele’s show on September 4th. Todd’s show on September 17th.

Stumped! Three-Ton Elephant Amputee Receives Prosthetic Limb

New “Top Chef”! New Vegas Edition drops tomorrow night, so looking forward to it, I got the red wine and Cheez-Its all ready to be inhaled as I harshly judge their subpar amuse bouches. There are two female Philly “cheftestants” (their gay term, not mine), one with some seriously bad ink (a tattoo on your throat? a tad distracting), but she seems fun. The other chefy looks a bit nervous, cute, but a bit on edge. (Watch their videos). Based only on a quick glance at their photos and small bios on the web, I will pick Ashley Merriman as the winner. Call your bookie.

Super Powers Activate! Todd Barry opening for Aziz Ansari in September? “Thanks to @toddbarry for opening all my Sept standup dates. Also, cool of him to drive the van and sell my merch post show. (Todd gets 10%)” (via @azizansari)

Sweet Gig: Dogfish Head, home of the most delicious ales on the planet, is looking for an Off-Centered Head Tour Guide.

Watch Sam drop some science about their bestselling beer, 60 Minute IPA:

Free MP3: Download: “In These Arms” by The Swell Season. “Strict Joy” will be released on 10/2/09.

Don’t You Dare Complain About Your Job: “Waahhh, my reports didn’t format correctly!”  “Waahhh, the conference room is double booked!” Yes, that is devastating, Rick, but at least you’re not Sulfur Mining in an Active Volcano.  Speaking of volcanoes—and who isn’t—here’s one that might remind you of the kick-ass lava-spewer I crafted in fourth grade. Remember that one? Baking soda and vinegar all up in your face? NASA Volcano Image Shows Atmospheric Shockwave.

Site for Sore Eyes: 45 Beautifully Designed Book Covers

More Eye-Soothing Goodness: 50 Amazing Gig Posters Sure to Inspire

Not So Eye-Soothing: Soviet Russian Album Covers:

Warning: Contents May Be Hot! Want to see the largest fusion device on Earth? “During a reaction, nuclear fuels are held away from the walls by electromagnets, and reach temperatures more than ten times hotter than the core of the sun.”

That’s great nerds, it gets real hot, but what is it good for?

…it’s being used as a test bed for a new reactor, ITER, which will generate electricity from fusion, using fuel found in ordinary seawater. Just one cubic kilometre of seawater contains enough deuterium – used as a nuclear fuel by JET – to generate more power than the world’s entire oil reserves.

New Favorite Jingle: “Todd, Todd Barry… Todd, Todd Barry!” Rock out to 35 seconds of Todd Barry from the “Tim and Eric” DVD.

Listen: The almighty Ted Leo on The Best Show (also appearance by villainous Brush Man).

Eric is Making a Salad and Busting Out His Ponda Baba Costume: Star Wars Themed Picnics @ The Mann Center?

Do You Love Movies? Doug Benson does. Download his entertaining podcast.

Watch Some Videos: Blooper and TV’s Gay Friend Obsession.

U-Stay: Our pal Chris attempted to use U-Haul on his big move, it did not go so well. I’ve had similar problems with the shady business. Please don’t use them, I think they charge extra for a truck with brakes.

Well-Spent $5: The Weakerthans – Live Session on iTunes

Your Daily Dilemma:

“Laugh now humans, but mark my words… I will kill you all one day! Hissss… Kill. You. All!” More lovely “Scenes From the Zoo” from the always amazing Big Picture.

Did You Know? In the comics, Wolverine was only five foot three.

Not All Runners are Self-Important Wankers: Costumes are encouraged at the London Marathon

I Want to Believe: In the latest issue of The Believer, Todd Barry Interviews Nick Lowe and funny men Robert Smigel and Bob Odenkirk chat. Speaking of Todd Barry, and who isn’t, the medium-energy dynamo will be on The Best Show on WFMU tomorrow night. Listen live at 8pm.

Don’t Go There: The Internet’s Unsavory Dark Corners!

Important Spam Update: “Max Colon” is still my favorite spam sender name. I picture a buff superhero who can extract moisture from food residue in a single bound.

Been Wanting to Join That Group of Angry Villagers?! How to make a torch for less than a dollar

Eh… NBC announced six new shows for the fall. (Super quick review). Five look like garbage (another TV version of that borefest film “Parenthood,” really?) and one looks interesting only because Joel McHale (The Soup) stars and Chevy Chase co-stars, that’s right, thee “Chevy Chase” of the “Chevy Chase Show” fame.

“Community focuses on a band of misfits, at the center of which is a fast-talkin’ lawyer whose degree has been revoked (Joel McHale, The Soup). They form a study group and, in “Breakfast Club” fashion, end up learning a lot more about themselves than they do about their course work.

Did I just read “learning a lot more about themselves”? Bluck!

The NBC programming brass might want to curtail their visits to the “ensemble workplace comedy” factory. Overproduction is known to cause problems. This product looks a bit lazy, (crazy older guy, hip younger guy, sassy black woman, geek sidekick, high-strung woman, etc.), but McHale does seem charming and there’s much more to do at a college than a typical workplace, so the writers will have a fair shot at fresh material. Take a peek:

Freaky: Battleship Island – Japan’s Rotting Metropolis

Interview: Greg Fitzsimmons. Guest: Dave Walk of Comic vs. Audience. Topics: Duggars, Comedians Going Crazy on Twitter, Harry Kalas, Beer Label Readability, Comedy Albums, Stand-Up Comedians in Movies, Todd Quits Beer Making, Kevin Allison, God-awful Pop Country Music.

Playlist: Art Brut, Superchunk, Shout Magic, The Flying Change and Dent May & His Magnificent Ukulele (Daytrotter Session).

Play Now: http://www.usedwigs.com/pod/podcast61.mp3

Subscribe: iTunes

Website: www.usedwigsradio.com

… and don’t forget the “Cool Black Guy!”

Website: http://www.92YTribeca.org

Staying in on New Year’s Eve? Me too, lots to do: ice cream sandwiches just don’t eat themselves. Here are some low-effort, time-wasting activities to keep you in a festive mood. Hope everyone has a swell time, thanks for another nonsense-filled year on the ol’ Internet.

Critique: Your friends sent you a lot of holiday cards, huh? Well, round up the ones that contain family photos and judge them from best to worst, posting your results on your blog, better yet, Facebook (people read that). Do not be afraid to point out bad photography, poor design or unfortunate outfit choices. Your friends will appreciate the advice and put out a better product next year.

Imbibe: Grab yourself a few of my favorite beers of 2008 and get yourself loaded enough to watch Robbie Knievel jump over a volcano:

• Yards Brawler
• Rowhouse Red
• O’hara’s Celebration Stout (thanks Todd!)
  Flying Fish Belgian Abbey Dubbel
• Belhaven Wee Heavy (thanks John!)

Zone Out: Fire up your Zune and enjoy the sounds of silence.

Nitpick: Movie Mistakes of 2008

Stream: “The Best Show” on WFMU – December 30th

Stumble: Just install the StumbleUpon button on your toolbar (very easy), input your interests, then click away. Something intriguing usually pops up.

Squint: Read the classics on your cell phone.

Banish: Some worn out words and phrases.

Read: Todd Barry’s latest funny interview (even though he never answered my last interview questions, no grudges). Follow Todd.

Laugh… at Brett Favre! ha ha.

Listen: Three more gems from 2008:

Secret Machines – “Last Believer, Drop Dead”
CD: Secret Machines

Drag The River - “Br00tal”
CD: You Can’t Live This Way
MP3: Download

Mission Of Burma – “Academy Fight Song”
CD: Signals, Calls and Marches [Remastered]

I always enjoy a good “If you like this ____ you might like this____” recommendation from a music reviewer, so I was excited to give my updated iTunes (now with genius power) a whirl.

Yes, “Genius” is a silly name and just begs for a good drubbing, but that’s the ever-haughty Apple for ya. For those who purchase affordable computers, you may not know that Apple has a “Genius Bar” in its stores, very misleading, there’s nothing genius about a bar with no alcohol. “Underpaid, Half-Interested in Your Problem Nerd Bar” would be a more realistic moniker.

On the design side of things, it doesn’t take a real genius to see from where those lazy Apple designer stole the logo. See Exhibit A:

Okay, back to the review. In addition to our crack team at UsedWigs Labs, we’ve asked a bunch of local music mavens to give us some feedback on the product. Let us see if the Apple music geeks can start preparing their applications to Mensa. Our findings:

Well, I have downloaded it and have begun experimenting. My initial reaction is that it is cool that it generates a playlist based on one song.

However, I am finding that the playlists it is generating are not as eclectic as I would like. So for example, when I “genius” the song Trashcan by Delta Spirit, the genius gives me a good mix of my alternative/modern/indie rock related songs from my playlist. It seems to be populating the playlist by related genres; I’d like there to be more a diverse genre mix.

I wished you could also make a playlist and then be able to “genius” the entire playlist. As for the recommendations, I’ve already purchased way too many songs as a result of this in the last 24 hours. Those guys at Apple are smart.

Bruce Warren
WXPN-FM
Some Velvet Blog

“I have assembled two mixes. One based upon ‘Sacrificial Bonfire’, the last track on XTC’s Rundgren-produced ‘Skylarking’, and another based upon ‘Snowden’ by Doves from ‘Some Cities’.

Overall, I am really impressed with iTunes’ ability to keep a ‘vibe’ with a given mix, which is what I mainly want. It is also pretty cool that it digs through some stuff you have never heard in your music collection, like, oh ‘Roscoe’ by Midlake. Huh? But it does a really good job of matching genres, feel, and even bands that hail from the same city. Coincidental? Only the Genius knows.

I do not like it when the Genius serves up tunes from the same album the mix was based upon. I don’t need to see three or four other tracks from Skylarking. Of course they are going to sound complimentary. Genius, you need to earn the money that I’m not paying you.”

Greg Hoy
Happy Cog

Apple has no problem with throwing the word genius around. At 55, founder Steve Jobs continues to be touted as a “boy genius”. The Apple Store unapologetically bills a collection of four stools and a T-shirt clad techie, the “Genius Bar”. Following form, this week Apple released version 8.0 of their flagship software application, iTunes, complete with its own built in “Genius”. Being an inhabitant of the venn diagram overlap between music geek and tech nerd, I was thrilled.

The iTunes Genius function promises to reacquaint you with your own musical library by suggesting other songs that are similar to a selected track. Having a library of almost 3000 albums, I was thrilled with the possibility of learning more about my neglected digital possessions. Admittedly, having a new software function introduce me to my own music felt a little like going to a marriage counselor to learn more about my wife but the doohickey delivers.

After downloading a boatload of information from the Apple iTunes Store about my collection, Genius busily offered tips to compliment my listening experience. Some made perfect sense (suggesting Wolf Parade to compliment TV on the Radio), while others where less helpful (suggesting TV on the Radio to compliment TV on the Radio). In all cases, the suggestions where on the money. After Genius does its thing, you can ask for more suggestions (up to 100 at a time), “refresh” the list with a quick reshuffle or even save it as a dynamic “Genius Playlist” (making the previous “Smart Playlists” feel like total morons in comparison). As you might expect, Genius also has some recommendations from the iTunes store but it certainly isn’t a pushy salesman. You can preview the purchasable music from within a sidebar or simply slam the section shut if you aren’t in the mood to kick start our economy.

I was curious about Genius’s selection making criteria and wondered if it was based on Pandora’s music genome project so I pointed my browser to Apple’s web page to learn more. Disappointingly, the “how Genius works” section is just a simple set of user directions. It’s as if Apple was telling me, “don’t worry your pretty little head about it because you’ll never understand, it’s a Genius.” Ambiguity aside, Genius is a welcomed addition to iTunes and one more notch in the hipster “mac guy’s” bedpost.

Todd Marrone
toddmarrone.com
Ghosticorn Apparel
UsedWigs Radio

so iTunes really wants me to clap my hands and say yeah, how do i tell them that i don’t want to.

also, steve poltz in the same room with John Doe, please.

sigur ros, leads to godspeed you black emperor, broken social scene, mogwai, explosions in the sky – so this is pretty reliable and there are a few that I would check out and thankfully no major-label dorks like John Mayer that the geniuses seem to want to choke you with not matter what song you enter.

overall, it does not seem as authentic as the lists on emusic – the iTunes genius lists seem based on downloads rather than ratings, otherwise why would it want me to buy John Mayer?

Brian Seymour
www.brianseymour.com

Update 1: Since we last talked, all it has done is gather information about my library!

Update 2: I only got it to tell me what I would like in my own collection! Help!

Update 3: I’m in, but… Now Genius is “temporarily unable to show you related music.” So, my Top Songs are Pink, T.I, and Rihanna.

Update 4: I did eventually get it working and it did suggest Silkworm as the first band I would like if I dug Bottomless Pit. It could not find any matches for The Feelies (The Feelies!) and suggested A Flock Of Seagulls and Thomas Dolby. For Shellac it suggested an artist named Shella six times…

Conclusion: I don’t know if I would ever use it and it doesn’t seem that different than the right side of the screen in the actual iTunes store. It is a shame there’s no frame of reference for well-known bands that don’t have large iTunes presences like Feelies and Shellac. There has to be an “influences” meta-tag, doesn’t there?

Jon Solomon
WPRB
Local Support Podcast
keepingscoreathome.com

Genius is a bit like taking your favorite DJ home with you. Oh, it all starts out great. He puts together some excellent mixes, blending tracks with an eye for mood and genre, occasionally surprising you with his picks. But now you’ve got a DJ in your house and he doesn’t know your library all that well and he’s starting to look a little sweaty as he smashes a mellow, beat-driven track up against a driving punk song. Then, as you hand him one of your unique favorites, he shrugs and pushes it back at you, a blank look in his face. Genius is better treated like a visitor than a roommate.

Personally, I think I’ll get a lot of use out of Genius. It solves one of my biggest annoyances with shuffle: the total disregard for a cohesive sound or logical sequence. However, while my tastes are fairly diverse, I tend towards out-of-the-mainstream hip-hop and turntablism. So I’m stumping. iTunes maybe 3 or 4 times out of 10, which can be discouraging.* The other issue is that these songs won’t *ever* get queued up by iTunes in association with tracks it can identify. I wish I could see just how many of my 2,250+ tracks are being disregarded because iTunes/Apple can’t identify them.

I tried to discern a pattern for the neglected tracks, as I’d read that it was often a matter of album names not matching the database, but I think Apple was smarter than that. For example, Iron & Wine’s version of The Postal Service’s ‘Such Great Heights’ was mixed in just fine and that track had no album data at all. At a glance, the quickest way to anticipate a failure is if iTunes can’t find album art. It’s not an absolute given (Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton’s *Knives Don’t Have Your Back* is one example), but it’s true more often than not. The next predictor is an odd label or no label at all. For example, I don’t think Danger Mouse’s ‘Grey Album’ will ever be recognized by iTunes, given that it was never sanctified by any label. It’s a shame and is something that shuffle or a playlist won’t have trouble with for obvious reasons. This feature will always exclude some of your music.

The oddest instance of Genius crapping out was when I couldn’t get a single Tettix track to work, even though all of his music is on iTunes. He also distributes it for free on his site, which is where I got it, but I’m still confused by the omission. Perhaps the database doesn’t have enough user data to sample from, leading to a failed Genius request?

But in spite of these misfires, when Genius is on target, it’s spot on. Autolux’s ‘Great Days for the Passenger Element’, Dave Brubeck’s ‘Take Five’ and Portishead’s ‘Wandering Star’ all yielded some great mixes that I’d definitely listen to again. I wouldn’t suggest relying on Genius for all your DJ/party mix needs, but as long as you’re willing to accept its limitations, it’s a solid secondary feature for the behemoth of audio players.

*Four of my hip-hop misses: DJ Shadow & Cut Chemist’s *Hard Sell (Encore)*; DJ Krush’s *Zen*; *The World Famous Beat Junkies, Vol. 2*; Q-Bert’s *Camel Bobsled Race Live Mix*

Chris Rugen
currentconfig.com
rdesignltd.com

“Genius is unavailable for {insert every Grundle song title}”

Listening to Mike Ness solo effort “Cheating at Solitaire” song – “Rest of our Lives” which has a country feel – suggestions included Son Volt (i.e. Alt Country) which was good – but also Sinead O’Conner from her Reggae standards album “Throw down your arms” with the song “Downpressor Man” (an excellent tune), but didn’t see the connection. Then using Genius for “Downpressor Man” returned REM, The Clash, English Beat.

General observation: when choosing an obscure (i.e. non radio hit) from an album the majority of recommendations returned were songs that were played on a radio. I didn’t see too many deep cut recommendations.

Bush’s “Comedown” returned an all 90′s play list of “Grunge” era standards – Alice in Chains, Greed Day, Pearl Jam, Smashing Pumpkins, Weezer, Collective Soul, Everclear, STP, Oasis, Nirvana with one “newer” band Jimmy Eat World.

Tom Jadico
The Grundles

I tested “Oldest Story In the World” by The Plimsouls.

Pretty solid returns:

• Can’t Hardly Wait – The Replacements
• Medicine Show – Big Audio Dynamite
• September Gurls Big Star
• Cuyahoga 4:21 – Lifes Rich Pageant
• Talk About the Passion – R.E.M
• Radio Radio – Elvis Costello & The Attractions
• A Million Miles Away – The Plimsouls
• Awful – Hole
• Hitsville UK – The Clash
• A Sort of Homecoming – U2
• Late At Night – Buffalo Tom
• If I Can’t Change Your Mind – Sugar
• Nobody – The Replacements
• Cut Your Hair – Pavement
• Disturbance at the Heron House – R.E.M.
• Box Full of Letters – Wilco
• Contact – Big Audio Dynamite
• Ester – Elefant
• Become the Enemy The Lemonheads
• Charlie Don’t Surf – The Clash
• See A Little Light – Bob Mould

Mike Pierantozzi
The Brooklyn Brothers

Okay Genius, let’s see what you got. First up, “Death of the Life of The Party” by alt-country demigods Drag The River. Looky here, spot-on results for the first few (Lucero, Whiskey Town, Two Cow Garage, Time Barry) and then you lost must have got distracted by my singing and stop caring: Dynamite Hack? Flight of the Conchords? Beck?. Quit while you’re ahead, Genius, let’s go for Quality not quantity.

Next up, “Egon & Gertie” from Rachel’s — some of the most beautiful, soul-cleansing, neo-classical instrumental music you”ll ever hear (tears of joy and an overwhelming sense of serenity guaranteed.) Okay, you served up some some bands I have not heard of… let’s listen:

• Eluvium – very nice, a little more atmospheric than I like, but a solid result.
• Clogs – also very nice, not as inspired as the Rachel’s, and not enough cello. Never enough cello.
• Unwed Sailor – Kudos Genius! Not only have I heard of these guys (and shouted them out on Wigs a while back), I’ve been meaning to buy the CD “Little Wars” for some time. So I just bought it… on eMusic! I always check there first before I give Apple Inc. any more of my dough. Ha ha Genius.

Next up, let’s kick it old school with “Start With” by dearly-departed Seaweed. Ah ha, stumped you apple brains! You stink. This is one of best songs of the 90s. What were you too busy playing that Cracked Rear View ass-platter over and over instead digging a little deeper and enjoying some quality Northwest post-punk goodness? Shame on you. Don’t even look at me.

The stumping keeps continues… You’ve got nothing for comedian Todd Barry and his classic “Leftover Food” bit? What the…! You could only cough up more Todd Barry recommendations. Real ballsy prediction, “Hmmmm… Jeff likes Todd Barry, maybe just maybe, he might like some more… Todd Barry?” Boo! So you know shit about comedy too, huh Genius. Bet if I typed in Dane Cook you’d have a whole lot to say. Please don’t.

Last Up, “Husker Dave” by Armalite, the greatest punk supergroup ever to grace Philly. Okay Genius, you’ve completely lost your shit. Here’s what you had to say (in the snooty third-person, no less)

“Genius could not find matches for your specific selection, but here are the Top Songs in Our Store.”

Ne-Yo, Nelly, Jason Mraz, Metallica… bluh… get me a bucket! Impressive logic? I bet if you were a waiter and you did not have the delicious asparagus and mushroom risotto I ordered, you bring me a wild boar’s head wrapped in bacon and served with a side of Rocky Mountain oysters. This is heading for an uninstall my friend…

Oh, come on genius, I was just kidding… you did okay. Stop freezing up in embarrassment, take a breath, relax. At least you’re not a complete, insufferable tool like the failed-musician reviewers at Pitchfork. You got a lot to learn pal, so instead of “Genius” how about iTunes “Vee Jay” for now?

Jeff Lyons
Blabbermouth