I like Nick Swardson. He’s funny. Cats are funny. This sketch show looks good. What else do you want from me? Just watch the damn thing and leave me alone.

Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time is an irreverent sketch show filtered through the twisted point-of-view of stand-up comedian Nick Swardson. Swardson played Terry on RENO 911! and has been featured in two Comedy Central Presents stand-up specials, as well as his own one-hour special Seriously, Who Farted?

Debuts: Tuesday, October 12, 10pm / 9c on Comedy Central

Website: www.comedycentral.com

It’s “Bev Niner” day and when I think of 90120, I think about The Heights and when I think about this atrocious knock-off of an atrocious show, I think about The GREATEST TV BAND EVER that featured a girl sax player, Balki Bartokomous on keyboards, young Darius Rucker slapping the bass and Michael Bolton Jr. coming dangerously close to making out with the singer who is best known for beating up Donna Martin. Remember that nastiness? I remember cheering.

Honestly, I don’t recall much about this show, but I do love fake TV bands. Let’s take a look at The Heights’ photo. Well, what do you know? The 46-year-old bad boy of the group is wearing the same Hüsker Dü t-shirt I was probably wearing while growing out my sideburns and singing along to this angelic tune back in 1992. Two questions: Why is there a chain link fence directly against a wall? Why is Bolton Jr. sitting so low?

Wow, that long-necked, sax-sucking chick is Cheryl Pollak. Remember her? She was in a ton of stuff back in the late 80s, early 90s, most notably My Best Friend Is a Vampire, Melrose Place and one of Brad Pitt’s first awful movies about a boy who can’t get a decent tan.

This show  lasted only one year, a year too long for most people’s liking. That said, it was better than that other knock-off, 2000 Malibu Road, starring fun-killer Drew Barrymore and that guy with the dreamy eyes.

Back to music. Like you, my favorite TV band of 1992 was probably “The Dreams”

What the fuck happened to these actors? Wait, this just in: “The Dreams are regrouping with original line-up and will play Coachella, Bumbershoot, Doodlyfarts and Pitchfork Fest in 2011.”

Best TV band ever? That’s easy, Dregs of Humanity…

Okay, I’m tired of of my own nostalgia. I’m done. There are more videos to watch… Oh, Dear Lord, NO!

Got some favorites? Let me know in the comments section below.

HBO Intro 1983

CBS Special Presentation

ABC 4:30 Movie

ABC Sunday Night Movie

ABC Afterschool Specials

CBS Saturday Night Movie

WOR-TV Channel 9 “Million Dollar Movie”

ABC Weekend Specials

Wonderful World of Disney

Bonus: 80′s After School Special Dance Fight

Starring the uglier older brother from the creepy Mr. Belvedere show.

Hungry for some tasty, low-cal distractions before the big holiday? Here’s a bowl of some cheese-filled trivia nuggets to feed your ever-expanding pop culture belly.

World’s 50 Best Restaurants in The World
… that will never let my annoying vegetarian ass in the door.

Largest Stadiums in The World
A quarter million people packed in one place to watch cars go vroom vroom.

Longest Running TV Shows
“Quarterlife” just missed by 632 episodes.

Worst Talk Shows in TV History
I have the entire 5-month run of “McEnroe” on Blu-ray.

The Most Expensive Beers in the World
I’ll wait for the Vielle Bon Secours Lite.

Top-Selling Video Games Of All Time
Every game involves either serious violence or worse, a stupid little plastic guitar. We are doomed.

The 20 Most Expensive Domain Names
On a related note: “flooz.com” is now the cheapest.

The 10 Largest U.S. Bankruptcies
Don’t worry, the CEOs are fine.

All Time Worldwide Movie Box Office
Sorry, that dumb boat movie still tops the list.

Largest Roller Coaster Drops
Also known as the “Largest Collection of Vomit Deposited on Other Peoples’ Backs.”

World’s Fastest Drummers
Yep, “Stop-n-Go” Rice, “Cool Hands” LeCompte, “Tommy Gun” Grosset, all your favorites are here.

Top Ten Most Expensive Paintings Of All Time
What, no Thomas Kinkade!

The Most Expensive Photographs Ever Sold
This just in: a photo of Lindsey Lohan buying a pregnancy test kit and a bottle of Vodka just broke the record.

Best-Selling Albums by American Idol Alumni
Fun Fact: Season 1 contestant Nikki McKibbin has bought all these CDs.

The 50 Worst Cars of All Time
My dad owned about 6 of these… maybe more.

Top 10 Fastest Cars in the World
My dad owned none of these.

Top 10 Novelty Songs
Shouldn’t Weezer and Fergie own this list?

The World’s 10 Biggest Robberies
Oddly, The producers of the last two “Pirates of the Caribbean” flicks are not on the list.

Best-Selling Books of All Time
If your a fan of religion and magic (I know, same thing), this list’s for you!

10 Biggest Computer Flops of All Time
“Hi NeXT and Newton, I’d like you to meet Vista.”

America’s Top-Selling Albums of All Time
Since kids aren’t buying CDs anymore, this list may never change. Those dirty hippies will soar forever.

Most Expensive Wines of All Time
… bought by the biggest ass-heads of all time (FYI, The Thomas Jefferson bottles are fakes)

Joey Chestnut’s Competitive Eating Records
Listen closely and you can hear his withering, deep-fired heart gasping in pain, “Stop, please Lord, stop…”

Biggest Box-Office Bombs
“Pluto Nash”: Budget: $100,000,000 – Gross: $4,411,102. Wow! Many more doozies.

Top 25 Highest Grossing Domestic Horror Films of All Time
Is “Jaws” really a horror flick? What about those “Mummy” movies? Definitely debatable.

World’s Most Expensive Homes
Why does this make me yearn to see the World’s Most Destructive Earthquakes?

Top 500 Modern Rock Songs
Normally, these lists are pathetic, but I must give WOXY credit for putting together a very solid list.

The World’s 10 Most Wanted Criminals
If sighted, approach the criminal quickly and aggressively and yell, “I got him! I got him!” while preparing to tackle.

The 10 highest-paid CEOs
Ha ha Ray Irani of Occidental Petroleum, Lawrence Ellison of Oracle more than twice as much as you! Loser.

“I Forgot I Had a Baby”

This series follows women suffering from post-partum amnesia. Don’t judge them.

“Big People, Small Town”

Make room for fatty! Literally! Come on, make room. How many obese folks can fit into the tiny hamlet of Otasse, S.C.? It’s a fight for space — and more space — you won’t want to miss.

“Figure Out This Shower”

The unending variety of shower and bathtub fixtures can be a pain — or a delight! Your host, Pullman Johnstone, travels the world trying out all of its baffling knobs, plugs and other doodads! Join him for those “???” moments in the bathroom.

“I’m Allergic to My Own Breath”

The agony of sufferers from this rare new allergy is documented. The validity of allergies is also explored with scientists and other experts.

“Raisin’ Snail”

It’s a slow but satisfying life for this family of escargot farmers. That is, until the Dune Buggy rental opens up next door

“Eight Generations Is Enough”

From 104-year-old Verna S. down to her great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter Lauren K., it’s eight generations all alive and living together under one roof! But there’s lots of love and laughs to go around.

“Twins Whose Weight Must Total 1,800 Pounds”

Fat is definitely the new thin, but these look-alikes really push the envelope (full of cake into their mouths) as they see-saw back and forth but try to maintain an even 1,800 pounds between them. Who gets to gain the extra pounds this week, and who must lose that same amount? It’s double-trouble!

“My Secret Offshore Family”

‘Donny’ joins the ranks of other furtive double-dippers who have an international second family on the side! Can he keep it a secret from Number 1 Family? Explosive drama is in the mix when mysterious letters start arriving from a third family.

“Foolish Concierges”

A lot can go wrong when tourists’ fates are in the hands of these shifty, lying — and unrepentant! — hotel concierges-for-a-day. They don’t care as long as they get that one day’s pay! Trust them at your own risk.

“Back to Real(i)ty”

Mike was once among the hundreds of Americans currently on a reality show, but he got eliminated. Watch as he tries to cash in on his limited TV notoriety in his new career as a Realtor® .

“Steal That Bike!”

A crew of lovable ragamuffins and their modern-day, non-fictional Fagin (Curt) scour the city for bikes they can nick. Like flies they descend and you shoo them away and they re-descend on your bike and take what’s not nailed down — and what is! Then Curt sells it all back to you later at his bike shop.

“N.U.M.P.”

Not Under My Porch! Sometimes creepy, sometimes weepy, sometimes just plain sweet: The goings-on beneath the slats of Old Grampa Westard’s old-fashioned wooden country porch are sure to entertain. All the action is captured using an infrared heat-sensitive camera for that edgy feel.

“Inappropriate Opthalmologist”

Read the letters out loud for him, please: P, E, R, V, E, R, T. Very good! Now close your eyes for a surprise you never thought you’d experience at the eye doctor’s! You’ll need blue-blockers when doctor gets done with his shocking acts.

Oh, is that only 13? OK, I’ll bring you 7 more pitches next week.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.

Actor	Brother	Lowdown
John Belushi	Jim Belushi	Sadly, Jim was not the heavy drug user in the family. There was a show about life according to him, it might still be on the air. Check with your Auntie.
Patrick Swayze	Don Swayze	Actor Don is just like Patrick, but a but a tad lighter in the chromosome department.
Ron Howard	Clint Howard	Opie looks like Hugh Jackman when standing next to his younger brother, that’s why he always invites him to the set and sticks him in his films.
Alec Baldwin	Daniel Baldwin	Alec is very funny when he’s not very angry. Daniel is very high when he’s not very loaded. Add dimwit Stephen and the other one and you got quite a family party.
Chris Farley	Kevin Farley	Fat? Check. High-Energy? Check. Funny? Don’t know. He’s currently starring in a right-wing comedy, not the best career move in Hollywood.
Seth Meyer	Josh Meyer	Josh was on “Mad TV.” If he kidnapped Seth and took his place on SNL’s Weekend Update, you would not know the difference.
Chris Rock	Tony Rock	TV Guide says “Look out comedy world, Chris’s younger brother  is the next Charlie Murphy!”
Albert Brooks	Super Dave Osborne	Fun Fact: The brothers’ real last name is Einstein.
Jerry O’Connell	Charlie O’Connell	Remember when they were both on that show “Sliders” but only Jerry was allowed to talk? Anyone… anyone…?
Sylvester Stallone	Frank Stallone	Sly eats a bucket full of horse steroids every morning. Frank sang “Far From Over” for the 1983 film “Staying Alive.” What’s the bigger crime? Call it a tie.
Leo Gallagher	Ron Gallagher	Oddest brother story ever: Look-a-like Ron toured as “Gallagher Too” doing the same act, against Leo’s wishes. That’s so cool, I hate watermelons.
Macho Man Randy Savage	“Leaping” Lanny Poffo	Not exactly actors, but close enough. Poffo read poems in the ring, Randy was both macho and a savage. Take a guess who the rubes liked better.

Got some of your own? Let me know.

More News!

• How Jennifer Aniston Chooses a Film
• Useful Noncommittal Responses
• Dismissed Reality Show Contestant Vows “This is the last you will see of me!”

In what appears to be a reality show first, that contestant you really didn’t care one way or the other about who just got eliminated from that reality show you kind-of like, ended her brief and unspectacular stint on the show by saying,

“Hey America, this is definitely the last you will see of me!”

“Yep, I’m done.”

She continued speaking to the camera with absolutely no emotion.

“This wasn’t a great learning experience for me, I did not listen to one word the judges said and I most definitely did not become great friends with any of the other contestants.”

After wiping away no tears, she added, “I am taking nothing away from this and I will no doubt go back home to no loved ones and absolutely not continue in this profession. I hope you didn’t get too attached because I really have nothing left to offer. That was it, America. So don’t look for updates on my Facebook or MySpace pages because they don’t exist.”

As the camera rolled, she packed her bags and tools of the trade and added, “I almost forgot, I want to thank no one.”

She finished her post-show interview saying how she looks forward to not cashing in on her brief fame by never appearing at local bars and hosting body shot and wet t-shirt competitions.

This story appears in the new book “Quality Workday Distractions!”

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• Twitter 2.0!
• Is There Anything Sayid Can’t Do Well?
• Better Names for Coffee Shops with Free Wi-Fi
• Bad Design: The Huffington Post: Making Reading Painful
• Photoshop Now Offers “Family Beach Photo” Generator

Don’t you love it when you’re right? And don’t you love it even more when I’m right? (No? anyway…) A couple weeks back I saw a promo for the comedy “Graduates” and really dug it and had high hopes for the full-length pilot. Well kids, Uncle Jeff just watched it (twice) and I’m happy to report that it rocked: clever, funny, awkward, goofy and sexy rolled up in a very well-paced, well-produced and well-shot package. It has FX Network written all over it, maybe paired with Always Sunny?

Enough yapping, follow the link to watch the goodness and enjoy… especially hydro-cleansing Cameron and his male rape whistle.

Watch: “Graduates” The Pilot

The first hour is the stronger of the two, as it sends the mind reeling and uncorks infinite possibilities. Picking up soon after the events of the season finale, “Because You Left” reiterates Ben’s claim that Jack et al must return to the island to make things “right” (as Michael Emerson shares in this video, there’s a “scientific need” for that reunion to happen), then lets slip a bit of insight — from the perspective of those left behind — as to where the island moved. Alas, just as they figure it out….

Read Article

Can’t wait for January 21, 2009 season premiere, I’m so gonna party.  Just hope my Sayid-style hair has fully grown in by then. More