“Wolverine” – There’s nothing sadder at a party than watching a flabby guy in a white tank top with long scraggly sideburns and chopsticks taped to his knuckles trying to make time with the ladies.

“Teen Wolf Too” - Chicks love wolves, that’s a cold hard fact, but some like a little sensitivity with all that fur and fury. Channel your inner Bateman (not the inferior Alex P. Keaton version) and shoot for the moon!

Kate Gosselin – Bad hair, bad tan, surly… we get it. If you go with this expected get-up (I’m pretty sure they sell the Kate wig at CVS), you’ll be just one of many snarling multiple-moms glowering for attention. I know, getting your schlubby boyfriend to wear the Ed Hardy and the diamond studs sounds fun, but c’mon, Halloween is supposed to be scary fun, these reality clowns will just make it scary sad.

Michelle Duggar – Dressing up as this baby-pumping station is easy and fun. Momma Duggs has an atrocious multi-layered mullet sitting atop her god-fearing head. It looks sentient and on the attack (think Medusa) with the sinuous strands searching for fresh sperm to lasso in, keeping her brood of atomic super babies in fresh supply. Outfit? Think a more conservative Holly Hobby.

Bernie Madoff – I’ve seen the rubber mask, looks pretty realistic but fairly nondescript. Most people will think you’re dressed as their dentist. Okay, maybe wearing the old-timey prisons stripes may help, but still, hacky.

Bernie Kopell – Everyone, and I’m talking everyone loves the lascivious Doc from the Love Boat. Get your self a little sailor’s cap, some epaulets and start rubbing your private practice parts up against all the ladies on the Lido deck.

Mad Men – Lame. Lame. Lame. Quadruple lame! Listen, if you must do Mad Men, you and a friend could dress up as two gargantuan boobs stuffed into a slinky 60s-style dress and go as that curvy redhead.

Real Mad Men – Group costume? Go as a pack of real Mad Men: Charles Manson, Robert Mugabe, Chris Brown, Glenn Beck, Dr. Phil, Pol Pot? You pick. The ladies will eat this up, they love a bad mad boy.

Snuggie™ (The Original) Wearer – Snoozy.

Snuggie™ Wild Side™ Animal Print Wearer - Slutty!

Roller Girl Juno from “Whip It” – Cute idea, sure, but do you really want to wear a stupid helmet and roller skates all night, especially at a crowded 5th-floor walk-up party?

Sandra Bullock from “All About Steve” - Who doesn’t love a quirky chick with lots of spunk and craaaazzzy clothes! Am I right, people? Expect a lot of hugs.

Yo Gabba Gabba - Foofa, Brobee and the gang sure are cute (and DJ Lance is way cool), but the costumes will take a lot of work and it’s so hard gettin’ your drink on wearing a giant furry mask.

Twee Pop Band – Dress like Noah and The Whale or Vampire Weekend or some other silly children’s music band and you’ll look cuter than a muppet baby hugging a newborn chimp.

“Twilight” Vampire - Brooding teen? Sucky idea.

“The Little Vampire” – Lipnicki! Bloody good idea.

Guy Fieri – You’re fat, have dumb hair, a retro bowling shirt, and a penchant for saying, “That so money!” after biting into someone’s giant sanwich. That’s still no reason to dress up as this walking coronary.

Top Chef – Which one? Doesn’t matter. It’s just an excuse to get loaded (most of the cheftestants are serious winos). Get some of those fake sleeve tattoos, a white chefy coat and maybe a red neckerchief. So tasty!

Captain Lou Albano – Too soon, too soon.

Captain Sully Sullenberger - Hero! Hero! Hero!

Zombie Michael Jackson – Yes, MJ is dead (we think) and he is famous for playing a zombie in a video promoting an awful song, but let’s not besmirch this always-classy, upright citizen by dressing as his undead corpse… with an undead monkey or child as his sidekick. Show some respect.

Zombie Michael Jackson – Not the aforementioned performer, but the famed English beer and whisky expert who passed in 2007. Put on some musty old tweed, zombie make-up and knock back an insane amount of potent ale for some gravely bad beer breath. You’ll knock em dead.

“Ghost Hunters” – “Is that a ghost?!?” “Um, no.” Three hours pass. “Is that a ghost?” “No, of course it’s not…” Homely plumbers lurking in the dark never finding ghouls is not fun on a show and definitely won’t be at a party.

“House Hunters” - Walk around the party critiquing the crap out of everything, especially the too-small kitchen, lack of closet space and no his-and-her sinks in the master bath. Bonus points if you friend dresses as your realtor.

More Frightening News!

• Halloween Costume Dos and Don’ts 2008
• Bad Halloween Costumes of Yore

I love a good vampire movie. Give me one with a new twist on the mythology (synthetic blood!) or a classic stake-through-the-heart chiller and I’m usually sucked in, just don’t crap it up with a lot of romance… or moody teens.

“Daybreakers” (in theaters January 8, 2010) looks pretty slick. I like that the earth is  now bloodsuckers only (nice twist) who are faced with a dwindling blood supply. The wealthy and powerful scheme for their survival while a small group of less-evil vampires — armed with a cure — prepare for battle. Sure, the renegade fearless vampire killers device has been done to death, but that’s what I love about the genre. It takes a village… to kill the undead.

In any warring vamp flick, you need a bad-ass crossbow-slinging, quip-tossing, dusty old vet like the iconic Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) or Jack Crow (James Wood) to lead you into combat (with lots of gadgets of course). In “Daybreakers,” Willem Dafoe fits that bill nicely, Billy D. does no wrong in my book.

Regarding the rest of the team, I’m always excited to see who gets to play the super dweeby computer genius (Remember Patton Oswalt in Blade Trinity?) and also pick out which expendable members will be killed early (overly brazen always leads to buried) and which favorite will sadly be killed near the end doing something selflessly heroic to save the others (pretty sure Ethan Hawke will eat it in the end of this one, hopefully his goatee will survive).

Yes, it’s all quite expected and a tad predictable, but I crave it. FYI, If I was part of the team, I would spend most of my time putting together a real cool outfit (lots of zippers and pockets for antidotes, knives and snacks) and of course, looking for places to hide.

Trailer Music: Placebo’s  “Running Up That Hill” is a bit over-dramatic (going for that the “Donnie Darko” Gary Jules “Mad World” cover vibe), but It works well here, giving some contrasting emotional heft to all the explosions, beheadings and blood spewing action.

For one reason or another, I am not a fan of the most popular vampire flicks (“From Dusk Till Dawn,” “Interview With the Vampire,” “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”), the latter two seemed a more interested in the costumes than the content and the former, well, if Tarantino is acting, I’m not watching.

My Recommended Vampire Movies:

• Let the Right One In (2008) – A quiet, minimal, touching Norwegian child vampire film containing  scenes that will haunt you til the day you die. Good lord.
• John Carpenter’s Vampires (1998) – Very fun and insanely gory old-school ghoul hunting with the best vampire party-crashing scene ever.
• Ultraviolet (1998) – Excellent 6-hour British miniseries about modern, hi-tech vampires. I was so depressed when it ended, I wanted more.
• Fright Night (1985) – “When a teenager learns that his next door neighbor is a vampire, no one will believe him!”
• Blade (1998) & Blade II (2002) – Hate to admit it, but I even liked the third one… but not as much as these two killer flicks.
• Shadow of the Vampire (2000) – The film captures the making of the classic “Nosferatu” with method actor Schreck (Willem Dafoe) taking it a bit (or bite) too seriously.
• Salem’s Lot (1979) -  Cheesy but solid mini-series from Stephen King about a New England town teeming with vamps.
• The Forsaken (2001) – On paper, this studly youth-filled vampire flick would be dismissed as One Tree Hill with fangs, but it actually works well.
• Near Dark (1987) – Worth it just for the bar room scene.
• Dracula 2000 (2000) – Bloody good mindless  fun with Gerard Butler doing a decent Dracula.
• Underworld (2003) – A leather-clad Kate Beckinsale teams up with a cute werewolf who just broke up with Felicity to fight some baddies.  What’s not to like?
• The Lost Boys (1987) – The last good thing The Coreys and Kiefer Sutherland ever appeared in.

South Park still rules after all these years. This hilarious episode contains maybe the best line ever written dealing with the exhaustive nature of childhood taunting, “So we’re back to that, are we?” Brilliant.

View: Full Episode

But before these two grow beards, get divorced and talk about childhood abuse and intimacy issues in their next sure-fire Oscar talk flicks, they have one more blast of inane, man-child madness for all to enjoy (or ignore) this summer. These guys are very funny, no doubt, but this Dumb and Dumber premise just feels a bit desperate. Mary Steenburgen can’t be happy being cast as Ferrell’s mother either (ouch!).

Ferrell has a Land of the Lost remake coming up in 2009, while not break from comedy, at least its a break from his writing partner Adam McKay. Reilly has Cirque du Freak coming out at the end of the year. This looks very cool, despite the vampires being friendly, not evil.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_B30-AsClQ[/youtube]