Pt. 1: Why We Are Cousins

EXPECTATIONS MANAGEMENT NOTE: This is not a parody like others you’ve seen on UsedWigs. It’s not supposed to be funny. This is real.

Fact: My grandmother’s maiden name was Heath. Fact: Sarah Palin’s maiden name is Heath. Republican-style fact synthesis: That makes us cousins!

Jealous?

From having a shared last name to being cousins might sound like a stretch, I know. From PTA to small-town mayor to ceremonial governor to leader-in-waiting of the free world sounded like a stretch, too, a month ago. Stretching is in. Don’t worry.

Fact (true, non-Republican kind): The Heaths in both my family tree and Sarah’s can be traced back to England in the 1500s, and came over to Massachusetts in the 1600s, right at the founding of this great U.S. America.* In case you don’t understand: Our ancestors were also cousins.

As if the family tree weren’t enough proof: Just look at the noses of my Great-Great Grandfather Heath (Nose 1) and her dad, my Uncle Chuck (Nose 2). They’re clearly the same. Cousin Sarah and I share a nasal heritage. Maybe that’s why we talk the same, too!

I wasn’t surprised when I seen my cousin up there next to John McCain on August 29. I knew she was ready. Well, I was a little surprised. I was surprised before I wasn’t surprised, let’s put it that way.

I was also surprised that she was my cousin. But she clearly is.

Why did I wait till this moment to announce this fact? Because we Heaths like to surprise ya.

Now that I’ve established to everyone’s satisfaction that Sarah Heath Palin and I are cousins, how do I feel about it?

I feel AWESOME about it.

Mostly I’m excited that when (not if!) McCain/Palin wins in a landslide (FOUR MORE YEARS!) and the Palins move in to the vice president’s house at the Naval Observatory, which is, like, a mile from my apartment, that she’s going to be calling me to baby-sit Pillow and Trog or whatever their names are! My little cousins.

I don’t know nothing ’bout no baby-sitting! LOL. I guess it’ll be okay, though. I can watch the little special-needs baby, no problem. What could go wrong? Cousin Sarah doesn’t have much experience doing a lot of things, either, like whatever it is that VPs do. Who needs it? Everything will be fine.

In exchange for baby-sitting my little cousins, though, I expect to be handed a cushy government job from Cousin Sarah when she gets to Washington to clean it up. And I’ll say “Thanks,” but NOT “no thanks”! I’ll just say thanks, in other words.

Good luck in your debate tonight, Sarah! OMG you’re gonna do so good! But you wanna know what? No matter how good you do, you’ll still be my cousin.

Coming Soon: “Sarah Palin Is My Cousin, Part 2: First Cousins Putting Country First!” in which I discuss how Sarah and I are going to remake America. As a family.

*Shortly after that, the Supreme Court introduced the Constitution. But more about Sarah, Todd (hint, hint! Who’d be a good Supreme Court justice, huh?) and I and our place in history in Part 2.

Read more SM SHRAKE at You Wanna Know What? and The Shrake-tionary.