Tweets of The Week – 09/21/12

Follow these people on Twitter. It is very easy to do.

If women are into bad boys, they would love my dog (he peed on the floor)

— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) September 17, 2012

 

Who hurt you, bodybuilders?

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) September 20, 2012

 

Sometimes I wipe crumbs on the floor before I realize I don’t live with my mom anymore and that they’ll be there forever now

— Joe Bizness (@theJoeBiz) September 18, 2012

 

Please don’t talk about my Klout score in front of my parents.

— Tina Chesal (@tinaisall) September 15, 2012

 

Always keep some really old sour cream in your refrigerator because it’s not cool to lie to your boss about having food poisoning.

— brojangles (@MassageByTed) September 15, 2012

 

I hide all my porn in a folder marked “Dave Matthews songs.”

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 16, 2012

 

restaurant idea: hire thirty blind people

— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) September 21, 2012

 

Forgot my starter kit.Anyone know how many Weight Watcher points 6 Doritos® Loco Tacos are?

— andy lassner (@andylassner) September 19, 2012

 

I have a feeling Peyton Manning would do a 5-commercial shoot for genocide if they paid his asking price.

— Ed Daly (@ezeddaly) September 16, 2012

 

How do you not name your cat Cat Stevens?

— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) September 20, 2012

 

Looking to buy one of those fake penises full of urine people use to cheat on drug tests. Not being tested, just finishing a doll I built.

— Bob Powers (@bobpowers1) September 17, 2012

 

I tie my hair back when I eat otherwise I’d eat that too.

— molly (@Molly_Kats) September 18, 2012

 

Sorry about that three hour nap I just took, people who have kids.

— Mr. Positivity (@JoeyPositivity) September 15, 2012

 

The nicest thing I do for my parents is keep their expectations low.

— donni(@donni) September 16, 2012

 

My nephew is 90% acne by volume.

— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) September 17, 2012

 

Meet the Press would be more interesting if a Benihana chef was tossing shrimp into Bob Woodward’s mouth.

— Quinn Sutherland(@ReelQuinn) September 16, 2012

 

Can’t get rid of the hiccups? Try falling off a fire escape.

— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) September 16, 2012

 

If I lost my hands in an accident I’d replace them with metal fists that shoot like missiles what Im saying is who wants to cut off my hands

— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) September 17, 2012

 

I get genuinely sad when somebody I like gets kidnapped

— Sam Ashton Moen (@SamuelMoen) September 17, 2012

 

All the Tweets, Facebook posts, and updating of my website’s calendar can’t hold back the tide of “Hey let me know when you’re performing!”

— Andrés du Bouchet (@dubouchet) September 20, 2012

 

I either need more house or fewer Fatheads.

— Brian Henderson (@teamhenderson) September 14, 2012

 

Just disliked a YouTube video because it’s very important to have strong opinions.

— Shawn Garrett (@ShawnGarrett) September 17, 2012

 

‘Would you like to view your account balance?’ ‘Nope.’

— justin kanew (@justin_kanew) September 17, 2012

 

They should make 100-calorie packs bigger and call them “700-calorie packs”

— alyssa kramer (@kramediggles) September 16, 2012

 

“Knees bend both ways, right?” –Bolt bus seat designer

— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) September 21, 2012

 

Yay! I sold a copy of my book in England, where books are referred to as “crisps”!

— Jonathan Bloom (@JonFrmMaplewood) September 20, 2012

 

A fun thing to do at the airport is boo all of the boarding groups announced before yours.

— Evan Kessler (@ekessdotcom) September 21, 2012

 

You cad now sand tweets wet Siri. Intact I’m using at write nod!

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 20, 2012

 

 

More…

• Tweets of The Week – 09/14/12
• Tweets of The Week – 09/07/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/31/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/24/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/17/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/10/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/03/12

TAGS: @andylassner • @bobpowers1 • @ChaseMit • @DannyZuker • @donni • @ekessdotcom • @ElizaBayne • @ezeddaly • @FilthyRichmond • @friedmanjon • @JoeyPositivity • @JonFrmMaplewood • @juliadavidovich • @justin_kanew • @kramediggles • @MassageByTed • @mikeleffingwell • @Molly_Kats • @ReelQuinn • @SamuelMoen • @ShawnGarrett • @teamhenderson • @theJoeBiz • @tinaisall • dubouchet