Follow these people on Twitter. It is very easy to do.
If women are into bad boys, they would love my dog (he peed on the floor)
— Mike Leffingwell (@mikeleffingwell) September 17, 2012
Who hurt you, bodybuilders?
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) September 20, 2012
Sometimes I wipe crumbs on the floor before I realize I don’t live with my mom anymore and that they’ll be there forever now
— Joe Bizness (@theJoeBiz) September 18, 2012
Please don’t talk about my Klout score in front of my parents.
— Tina Chesal (@tinaisall) September 15, 2012
Always keep some really old sour cream in your refrigerator because it’s not cool to lie to your boss about having food poisoning.
— brojangles (@MassageByTed) September 15, 2012
I hide all my porn in a folder marked “Dave Matthews songs.”
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 16, 2012
restaurant idea: hire thirty blind people
— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) September 21, 2012
Forgot my starter kit.Anyone know how many Weight Watcher points 6 Doritos® Loco Tacos are?
— andy lassner (@andylassner) September 19, 2012
I have a feeling Peyton Manning would do a 5-commercial shoot for genocide if they paid his asking price.
— Ed Daly (@ezeddaly) September 16, 2012
How do you not name your cat Cat Stevens?
— Jon Friedman (@friedmanjon) September 20, 2012
Looking to buy one of those fake penises full of urine people use to cheat on drug tests. Not being tested, just finishing a doll I built.
— Bob Powers (@bobpowers1) September 17, 2012
I tie my hair back when I eat otherwise I’d eat that too.
— molly (@Molly_Kats) September 18, 2012
Sorry about that three hour nap I just took, people who have kids.
— Mr. Positivity (@JoeyPositivity) September 15, 2012
The nicest thing I do for my parents is keep their expectations low.
— donni(@donni) September 16, 2012
My nephew is 90% acne by volume.
— Jocelyn Plums (@FilthyRichmond) September 17, 2012
Meet the Press would be more interesting if a Benihana chef was tossing shrimp into Bob Woodward’s mouth.
— Quinn Sutherland(@ReelQuinn) September 16, 2012
Can’t get rid of the hiccups? Try falling off a fire escape.
— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) September 16, 2012
If I lost my hands in an accident I’d replace them with metal fists that shoot like missiles what Im saying is who wants to cut off my hands
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) September 17, 2012
I get genuinely sad when somebody I like gets kidnapped
— Sam Ashton Moen (@SamuelMoen) September 17, 2012
All the Tweets, Facebook posts, and updating of my website’s calendar can’t hold back the tide of “Hey let me know when you’re performing!”
— Andrés du Bouchet (@dubouchet) September 20, 2012
I either need more house or fewer Fatheads.
— Brian Henderson (@teamhenderson) September 14, 2012
Just disliked a YouTube video because it’s very important to have strong opinions.
— Shawn Garrett (@ShawnGarrett) September 17, 2012
‘Would you like to view your account balance?’ ‘Nope.’
— justin kanew (@justin_kanew) September 17, 2012
They should make 100-calorie packs bigger and call them “700-calorie packs”
— alyssa kramer (@kramediggles) September 16, 2012
“Knees bend both ways, right?” –Bolt bus seat designer
— Doogie Horner (@DoogieHorner) September 21, 2012
Yay! I sold a copy of my book in England, where books are referred to as “crisps”!
— Jonathan Bloom (@JonFrmMaplewood) September 20, 2012
A fun thing to do at the airport is boo all of the boarding groups announced before yours.
— Evan Kessler (@ekessdotcom) September 21, 2012
You cad now sand tweets wet Siri. Intact I’m using at write nod!
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 20, 2012
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