Tweets of The Week – 09/28/12

Follow these people on Twitter. It is very easy to do.

. @redbox one of your machines just gave me a gun.

— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) September 25, 2012

 

I’m like the Incredible Hulk except for agreeing with you and I stay the same

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) September 27, 2012

 

when you sneak a peek at your chart at the GYN’s office and all it says is WEIRD TITS in hot pink bubble letters

— Robit (@HonkyTonkRobot) September 27, 2012

 

Shout out to the buskers in the concourse playing my favorite piece of classical music, “Beef. It’s What’s For Dinner.”

— Dan McQuade (@dhm) September 24, 2012

 

I like that Samsung commercial that shows thousands of people waiting for an iPhone while like 6 people have their Galaxy phone.

— Rob Fee (@robfee) September 24, 2012

 

Please don’t ask me to name my favorite Sandra. My God.

— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) September 26, 2012

 

I just joined an over-40 kill the guy with the ball league.

— John Haughey (@Notgiamatti) September 23, 2012

 

Shhhh! Alyssa Milano is trying to sell me a product she really believes in.

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) September 26, 2012

 

You guys!! Make sure you tune into the season premier of Rehabulous! tonight on Bravo after an all new Dick Doctors!!

— Steven Davis (@Deerflesh) September 25, 2012

 

Before punching me in my stomach for good luck, my neighbor Steve told me it was going to ‘rain mad puss’ at my bachelor party tonight.

— Matthew Dolkart (@matthewdolkart) September 26, 2012

 

The most disgusting smell in the world changes every day depending on what my coworker brings in for lunch.

— Andy Ross (@waitforandy) September 26, 2012

 

Well there may be a bacon shortage, but there’s certainly no shortage of people who need to shut the fuck up about bacon.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) September 26, 2012

 

Welp, I gotta go. That yoga class isn’t going to watch itself through the window.

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 24, 2012

 

Did anyone find my pink water bottle at the gym? Is that gym still there? It’s called “Fonzie’s Thumbs Up To Fitness Center”.

— Paula Pell (@perlapell) September 25, 2012

 

Is BRICKLEBERRY some sort of government plot to identify serial killers and sex offenders through viewing habits?

— scharpling (@scharpling) September 28, 2012

 

My cousin Ian showed up to my great grandmother’s funeral in drag RT @secretdeodorant#ThatMoment when you become stronger than your fears!

— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) September 22, 2012

 

I sure have a lot of political tweets for a non-voting felon.

— Jay Skarlow (@RockabillyJay) September 24, 2012

 

Ugh, this jukebox doesn’t have any Cormac McCarthy audio books.

— Ethan T. Berlin (@EthanTBerlin) September 28, 2012

 

I’ve got places to go and my phone to stare at.

— ashley barnhill (@ashley_barnhill) September 25, 2012

 

“Save your money, dude. Trust me.” Josh Hartnett to Channing Tatum

— Anthony DeVito (@AnthonyDeVito) September 22, 2012

 

Lou Costello at an Avett Brothers concert, screaming at the top of his lungs “HEY AVETT!”

— Matt Wilkie (@WritingWilkie) September 27, 2012

 

my fav part of public transit is there’s a 50% chance i’m sitting next to a dead guy

— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) September 24, 2012

 

I wish I had a pet sea otter or girlfriend.

— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) September 24, 2012

 

When I see a guy wearing a funny shirt I’m like, I better make friends with him quick so I can see more funny shirts

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 23, 2012

 

I just ran after the ice cream truck in my flip-flops, in case you’re wondering why I’m not married.

— Drew Monge(@drewmonge) September 25, 2012

 

Hey @pentagonpressec – When are you guys gonna release the redacted pages of Operation: Mindcrime?

— Low Times(@lowtimes) September 26, 2012

 

Taylor Swift kinda mailing it in with her latest, “You’re Such A Dick, Matt”

— Patrick (@pattymo) September 25, 2012

 

ADDING GOOFY MUSIC TO YOUR CAT VIDEO RUINS YOUR CAT VIDEO. KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING DIPSHITS!!!

— Bob Powers (@bobpowers1) September 25, 2012

 

If there’s a lull in our conversation that lasts longer than 3 seconds, my phone is out and I’ve already forgotten your name.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) September 24, 2012

 

The dog I trained to bring Bud Light keeps bringing other beers. I don’t like other beers. I like Asian tattoos and Bud Light and THAT’S IT.

— Shane Murphy (@Shanehasabeard) September 25, 2012

 

Gonna start a website that’s just like Ancestry.com, except mine won’t be for the most boring people on earth.

— Andy Richter (@Andy_Richter) September 27, 2012

 

I can’t wait to see “Paranormal Activity 4: Just Give Us Your Money”.

— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) September 27, 2012

 

I taunt my kids by getting tattoos of the names of their better behaved friends.

— Buck (@buck4itt) September 24, 2012

 

What if at the end of E.T. Elliott and the scientists discovered that E.T. was actually just a sick owl?

— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) September 25, 2012

 

More…

• Tweets of The Week – 09/21/12
• Tweets of The Week – 09/14/12
• Tweets of The Week – 09/07/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/31/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/24/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/17/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/10/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/03/12

TAGS: @Andy_Richter • @anthonydevito • @ashley_barnhill • @bobpowers1 • @briangaar • @bridger_w • @buck4itt • @ChaseMit • @Deerflesh • @dhm • @drewmonge • @EthanTBerlin • @GreenishDuck • @heymonroe • @HonkyTonkRobot • @ixSEANxi • @jgrammond • @juliadavidovich • @KarenKilgariff • @lowtimes • @Notgiamatti • @perlapell • @robfee • @RobinMcCauley • @RockabillyJay • @Shanehasabeard • @TheNardvark • @trumpetcake • @turbograndma • @waitforandy • pattymo • scharpling