Follow these people on Twitter. It is very easy to do.
. @redbox one of your machines just gave me a gun.
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) September 25, 2012
I’m like the Incredible Hulk except for agreeing with you and I stay the same
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) September 27, 2012
when you sneak a peek at your chart at the GYN’s office and all it says is WEIRD TITS in hot pink bubble letters
— Robit (@HonkyTonkRobot) September 27, 2012
Shout out to the buskers in the concourse playing my favorite piece of classical music, “Beef. It’s What’s For Dinner.”
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) September 24, 2012
I like that Samsung commercial that shows thousands of people waiting for an iPhone while like 6 people have their Galaxy phone.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) September 24, 2012
Please don’t ask me to name my favorite Sandra. My God.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) September 26, 2012
I just joined an over-40 kill the guy with the ball league.
— John Haughey (@Notgiamatti) September 23, 2012
Shhhh! Alyssa Milano is trying to sell me a product she really believes in.
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) September 26, 2012
You guys!! Make sure you tune into the season premier of Rehabulous! tonight on Bravo after an all new Dick Doctors!!
— Steven Davis (@Deerflesh) September 25, 2012
Before punching me in my stomach for good luck, my neighbor Steve told me it was going to ‘rain mad puss’ at my bachelor party tonight.
— Matthew Dolkart (@matthewdolkart) September 26, 2012
The most disgusting smell in the world changes every day depending on what my coworker brings in for lunch.
— Andy Ross (@waitforandy) September 26, 2012
Well there may be a bacon shortage, but there’s certainly no shortage of people who need to shut the fuck up about bacon.
— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) September 26, 2012
Welp, I gotta go. That yoga class isn’t going to watch itself through the window.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 24, 2012
Did anyone find my pink water bottle at the gym? Is that gym still there? It’s called “Fonzie’s Thumbs Up To Fitness Center”.
— Paula Pell (@perlapell) September 25, 2012
Is BRICKLEBERRY some sort of government plot to identify serial killers and sex offenders through viewing habits?
— scharpling (@scharpling) September 28, 2012
— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) September 22, 2012
I sure have a lot of political tweets for a non-voting felon.
— Jay Skarlow (@RockabillyJay) September 24, 2012
Ugh, this jukebox doesn’t have any Cormac McCarthy audio books.
— Ethan T. Berlin (@EthanTBerlin) September 28, 2012
I’ve got places to go and my phone to stare at.
— ashley barnhill (@ashley_barnhill) September 25, 2012
“Save your money, dude. Trust me.” Josh Hartnett to Channing Tatum
— Anthony DeVito (@AnthonyDeVito) September 22, 2012
Lou Costello at an Avett Brothers concert, screaming at the top of his lungs “HEY AVETT!”
— Matt Wilkie (@WritingWilkie) September 27, 2012
my fav part of public transit is there’s a 50% chance i’m sitting next to a dead guy
— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) September 24, 2012
I wish I had a pet sea otter or girlfriend.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) September 24, 2012
When I see a guy wearing a funny shirt I’m like, I better make friends with him quick so I can see more funny shirts
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 23, 2012
I just ran after the ice cream truck in my flip-flops, in case you’re wondering why I’m not married.
— Drew Monge(@drewmonge) September 25, 2012
Hey @pentagonpressec – When are you guys gonna release the redacted pages of Operation: Mindcrime?
— Low Times(@lowtimes) September 26, 2012
Taylor Swift kinda mailing it in with her latest, “You’re Such A Dick, Matt”
— Patrick (@pattymo) September 25, 2012
ADDING GOOFY MUSIC TO YOUR CAT VIDEO RUINS YOUR CAT VIDEO. KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING DIPSHITS!!!
— Bob Powers (@bobpowers1) September 25, 2012
If there’s a lull in our conversation that lasts longer than 3 seconds, my phone is out and I’ve already forgotten your name.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) September 24, 2012
The dog I trained to bring Bud Light keeps bringing other beers. I don’t like other beers. I like Asian tattoos and Bud Light and THAT’S IT.
— Shane Murphy (@Shanehasabeard) September 25, 2012
Gonna start a website that’s just like Ancestry.com, except mine won’t be for the most boring people on earth.
— Andy Richter (@Andy_Richter) September 27, 2012
I can’t wait to see “Paranormal Activity 4: Just Give Us Your Money”.
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) September 27, 2012
I taunt my kids by getting tattoos of the names of their better behaved friends.
— Buck (@buck4itt) September 24, 2012
What if at the end of E.T. Elliott and the scientists discovered that E.T. was actually just a sick owl?
— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) September 25, 2012
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