Follow these people on Twitter. It is very easy to do.
Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 13, 2012
Always thought I’d grow up to be a doctor, not someone who dresses up their cat. But, I got a D in biology & this tiny sweater is only $2.97
— alyssa kramer (@kramediggles) October 18, 2012
This will make you feel old.The Great Train Robbery came out 109 years ago!
— Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) October 4, 2012
I thought I had caught my cat playing air-drums. Turns out it was just a fly he was trying to catch. (sadness returns)
— Drew Monge(@drewmonge) October 14, 2012
Just be yourself, a really hot yourself.
— Jennifer McB (@jendenbrat) October 16, 2012
Wind chimes aren’t supposed to nail Flesh for Fantasy like that.
— Jason Roeder (@jasonroeder) October 18, 2012
An undersea prison for people who give out those little boxes of raisins on Halloween.
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 17, 2012
A great way to deal with people that make you take your shoes off in their home is turning around and leaving.
— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) October 18, 2012
Whenever it rains, I pray that somewhere a music festival is being ruined
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) October 17, 2012
You guys think Felix Baumgartner has changed his profile pic recently?
— Ritch Duncan (@ritchied) October 17, 2012
“No son of mine will be in an alternative band! You’ll write simple 3-chord progressions with no feedback or distortion!” – Dinosaur Sr.
— Matt Wilkie (@WritingWilkie) October 10, 2012
Hey guys what’s up no big deal but what does it mean if I caught my roommate actually hiding from me
— Kathy Salerno (@Kpartyawesome) October 15, 2012
“I’m not allergic to cats” is actually a pretty good pickup line to use on single girls in their 30s.
— Atman (@AtmanThakrar) October 19, 2012
Saw Clint Eastwood naked in “The Bridges of Madison County” at the age of 7. I haven’t looked a man in the eye since.
— Mindy Furano(@MindyFurano) October 14, 2012
Show me on the Dale Earnhardt shirt where the president betrayed you.
— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) October 17, 2012
Reminder: Get a confession from Dad’s killer
— shane (@bedroombazooka) October 18, 2012
People said I was crazy to try, but I totally fit into my Mom’s old wedding dress.
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) October 15, 2012
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) October 12, 2012
Sometimes I like to remind everyone on the bus how smart I am by reading all the signs we pass out loud.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) October 13, 2012
Can’t get the “Hot For Teacher” drum beat quite right, or at least that what people in the library keep telling me.
— Russ McGarry (@3NonJoggers) October 16, 2012
Somewhere, someone is tuning their acoustic guitar, getting ready to ruin a party.
— anne t. donahue (@annetdonahue) October 19, 2012
“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha la ti da.” – Van Morrison laughing
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 17, 2012
No one ever really wants a houseguest to “make themselves at home.”
— Quinn Sutherland(@ReelQuinn) October 18, 2012
In addition to A Prairie Home Companion, Garrison Keillor also performs assisted suicides.
— Matthew Dolkart (@matthewdolkart) October 13, 2012
Just finished my run still gonna die one day
— Bob Powers (@bobpowers1) October 13, 2012
If you’re a proctologist & don’t wear a Wolverine claw for your patients this Halloween, then you sir, are a butt-fingering embarrassment.
— Nikki (@Squirreljustice) October 15, 2012
Long story short, I’m wearing my moms underpants tonight.
— erinn hayes (@hayeslady) October 14, 2012
Two Half-Men #DepressingSitcoms
— graveyard lurk (@lanyardquirk) October 19, 2012
When is someone going to adapt Capt Crunch cereal into a movie with Phillip Seymour Hoffman?
— Paul Scheer (@paulscheer) October 15, 2012
I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO USE THE WORD “SEMEN” IN A TELEVISED SPEECH.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) October 13, 2012
Four of my high school friends liked “Batteries” on Facebook. I’m getting pretty excited for the next reunion.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) October 16, 2012
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