Tweets of The Week – 12/07/12

Follow these people on Twitter. It is very easy to do.

SO WE’RE JUST ALL OK WITH KOALA BEARS NOT BEING DOMESTICATED?

— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) December 5, 2012

Your baby looks like a cop so I’m gonna leave.

— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) December 1, 2012

Just scotch-taped my tie for a job interview, so I’m all set.

— Dr. Benton Quest (@jefftminston) December 4, 2012

NOT YET, AUTOMATIC TOILET

— alyssa kramer (@kramediggles) December 4, 2012

Eavesdrop on any group of girls and you’re going to hear at least one “Your hair is SO long!”

— Samantha Montgomery (@sammontgomery) December 4, 2012

The people that tell me to “smile” are the ones that upset me the most.

— Carl The Mailman (@CarlTheMailman) December 7, 2012

I wish Willow Smith would quit fuckin’ around and drop another dope hit on us.

— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) December 4, 2012

Once my school librarian went on Jeopardy and lost so hard that I had to just quit reading books.

— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) December 7, 2012

If I made a nature documentary about otters, it would just be two hours of me going, “Look at those little guys. Ha ha! Fucking adorable.”

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 6, 2012

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river

— Sam Ashton Moen (@SamuelMoen) December 2, 2012

I like the post-election news pieces on Mitt Romney and how they are right next to what Robin Givens is up to.

— juliet hope wayne (@juliethopewayne) December 4, 2012

To help struggling businesses strive the economic hardship I liked 5 of them on Facebook.

— shane (@bedroombazooka) December 7, 2012

Animals are learning to photobomb and it’s scary

— Kathy Salerno (@Kpartyawesome) December 4, 2012

The parking ticket for parking across two meters should be $50,000.

— Andrew O. (@TheOrvedahl) December 5, 2012

Zooey Deschanel is the Limp Bizkit ofgirls

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) December 6, 2012

I probably shouldn’t have watched “Eraserhead” right before having a kid.

— Marc Masters (@Marcissist) December 7, 2012

We’re gettin’ the old doomsday cult back together!

— blake (@Leemanish) December 3, 2012

Just bought a Tempurpedic mattress! So excited to finally have something that properly supports a glass of red wine.

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) December 6, 2012

Promise me you’ll never read my tweets out loud in front of me.

— Nicole Betz (@TomHanksIsHot) December 2, 2012

You call that hair PH balanced, soldier???? Drop and give me twenty!

— All Hail Jerry Renek (@jerryrenek) December 4, 2012

If I had a tail I’m sure I’d constantly be getting it caught in car doors.

— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) December 1, 2012

I got out of jury duty today because I ran high school track with the ADA, in case anyone’s ever told you running’s pointless.

— Dan McQuade (@dhm) December 4, 2012

A Slumdog Millionaire isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A Slumdog Billionaire.

— Mike Benner (@benner) December 3, 2012

Just a reminder you guys: I took a girl named Esther to Senior Prom

— Joey (@JoeyPositivity) December 1, 2012

When Morgan Freeman takes his earring out he sounds like Urkel.

— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 4, 2012

I hate it when people cry in public because it diverts attention away from me.

— Molly Fitzpatrick (@mollyfitz) December 2, 2012

No group of male friends in Los Angeles is complete without a guy in a Knicks cap who talks like Vinny from Doogie Howser.

— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) December 2, 2012

“He likes a bit of dry food mixed in with his wet food twice a day and please Hammer, don’t hurt him.” -Me dropping a dog off with MC Hammer

— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) December 4, 2012

Those little cards the refs hold up in soccer are recipes, right?

— Matt Champagne (@remainchampagne) December 1, 2012

Is this where I go to complain about having to buy new tires?

— Seth Madej (@sethmad) December 2, 2012

Don’t mix in rollerblading clips with the skateboarding ones.It sickens me.

— Patrick Ryan Bauer (@ThePatrickBauer) December 1, 2012

What if Jesus came back and got super into rollerblading?

— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) December 1, 2012

Let’s walk through your rampage options.

— brojangles (@MassageByTed) December 3, 2012

You’re only as good as your last tweet, how much money you have and your ethnicity.

— jon(@senderblock23) December 4, 2012

Tegan and Sara and Mark Leggett.

— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) December 2, 2012

If someone’s in a bad mood, help them out by asking if they’ve considered having a positive attitude

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) December 5, 2012

More little old men in fur coats, please.

— molly (@Molly_Kats) December 6, 2012

I am a total ’90′s kid and love all things 90. Remember Rugrat? She was funny. Also those sodas? I love soda.

— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) December 5, 2012

My 8 year old just picked up a used tissue from the ground at The Home Depot. I left him there.

— Jay Such (@TheSomeGuyShow) December 2, 2012

The Proclaimers sleep in bunk beds.

— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) December 4, 2012

Took my nephew to a petting zoo recently and there wasn’t a single animal in sight, just Michael Stipe sitting cross-legged in some straw.

— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) December 6, 2012

Sponsored by…

My paper shredder is broken so please don’t send me Christmas cards this year.

— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) December 6, 2011

 

More…

• Tweets of The Week – 11/09/12
• Tweets of The Week – 10/26/12
• Tweets of The Week – 10/19/12
• Tweets of The Week – 10/12/12
• Tweets of The Week – 10/05/12
• Tweets of The Week – 09/28/12
• Tweets of The Week – 09/21/12
• Tweets of The Week – 09/14/12
• Tweets of The Week – 09/07/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/31/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/24/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/17/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/10/12
• Tweets of The Week – 08/03/12

TAGS: @bedroombazooka • @benner • @BillMc7 • @briangaar • @bridger_w • @CarlTheMailman • @Chelsea_Elle • @DCpierson • @dhm • @duplicitron • @ElizaBayne • @GreenishDuck • @heymonroe • @IGotsSmarts • @jefftminston • @jerryrenek • @JoeyPositivity • @juliethopewayne • @Kpartyawesome • @kramediggles • @lazerdoov • @Leemanish • @longwall26 • @Marcissist • @markleggett • @MassageByTed • @mollyfitz • @Molly_Kats • @nickciarelli • @remainchampagne • @sammontgomery • @SamuelMoen • @senderblock23 • @sethmad • @TheNardvark • @TheOrvedahl • @ThePatrickBauer • @TheSomeGuyShow • @TomHanksIsHot • @trumpetcake • ChrisRRegan