Follow these people on Twitter. It is very easy to do.
SO WE’RE JUST ALL OK WITH KOALA BEARS NOT BEING DOMESTICATED?
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) December 5, 2012
Your baby looks like a cop so I’m gonna leave.
— Chelsea Lockwood (@Chelsea_Elle) December 1, 2012
Just scotch-taped my tie for a job interview, so I’m all set.
— Dr. Benton Quest (@jefftminston) December 4, 2012
NOT YET, AUTOMATIC TOILET
— alyssa kramer (@kramediggles) December 4, 2012
Eavesdrop on any group of girls and you’re going to hear at least one “Your hair is SO long!”
— Samantha Montgomery (@sammontgomery) December 4, 2012
The people that tell me to “smile” are the ones that upset me the most.
— Carl The Mailman (@CarlTheMailman) December 7, 2012
I wish Willow Smith would quit fuckin’ around and drop another dope hit on us.
— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) December 4, 2012
Once my school librarian went on Jeopardy and lost so hard that I had to just quit reading books.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) December 7, 2012
If I made a nature documentary about otters, it would just be two hours of me going, “Look at those little guys. Ha ha! Fucking adorable.”
— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 6, 2012
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
— Sam Ashton Moen (@SamuelMoen) December 2, 2012
I like the post-election news pieces on Mitt Romney and how they are right next to what Robin Givens is up to.
— juliet hope wayne (@juliethopewayne) December 4, 2012
To help struggling businesses strive the economic hardship I liked 5 of them on Facebook.
— shane (@bedroombazooka) December 7, 2012
Animals are learning to photobomb and it’s scary
— Kathy Salerno (@Kpartyawesome) December 4, 2012
The parking ticket for parking across two meters should be $50,000.
— Andrew O. (@TheOrvedahl) December 5, 2012
Zooey Deschanel is the Limp Bizkit ofgirls
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) December 6, 2012
I probably shouldn’t have watched “Eraserhead” right before having a kid.
— Marc Masters (@Marcissist) December 7, 2012
We’re gettin’ the old doomsday cult back together!
— blake (@Leemanish) December 3, 2012
Just bought a Tempurpedic mattress! So excited to finally have something that properly supports a glass of red wine.
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) December 6, 2012
Promise me you’ll never read my tweets out loud in front of me.
— Nicole Betz (@TomHanksIsHot) December 2, 2012
You call that hair PH balanced, soldier???? Drop and give me twenty!
— All Hail Jerry Renek (@jerryrenek) December 4, 2012
If I had a tail I’m sure I’d constantly be getting it caught in car doors.
— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) December 1, 2012
I got out of jury duty today because I ran high school track with the ADA, in case anyone’s ever told you running’s pointless.
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) December 4, 2012
A Slumdog Millionaire isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A Slumdog Billionaire.
— Mike Benner (@benner) December 3, 2012
Just a reminder you guys: I took a girl named Esther to Senior Prom
— Joey (@JoeyPositivity) December 1, 2012
When Morgan Freeman takes his earring out he sounds like Urkel.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 4, 2012
I hate it when people cry in public because it diverts attention away from me.
— Molly Fitzpatrick (@mollyfitz) December 2, 2012
No group of male friends in Los Angeles is complete without a guy in a Knicks cap who talks like Vinny from Doogie Howser.
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) December 2, 2012
“He likes a bit of dry food mixed in with his wet food twice a day and please Hammer, don’t hurt him.” -Me dropping a dog off with MC Hammer
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) December 4, 2012
Those little cards the refs hold up in soccer are recipes, right?
— Matt Champagne (@remainchampagne) December 1, 2012
Is this where I go to complain about having to buy new tires?
— Seth Madej (@sethmad) December 2, 2012
Don’t mix in rollerblading clips with the skateboarding ones.It sickens me.
— Patrick Ryan Bauer (@ThePatrickBauer) December 1, 2012
What if Jesus came back and got super into rollerblading?
— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) December 1, 2012
Let’s walk through your rampage options.
— brojangles (@MassageByTed) December 3, 2012
You’re only as good as your last tweet, how much money you have and your ethnicity.
— jon(@senderblock23) December 4, 2012
Tegan and Sara and Mark Leggett.
— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) December 2, 2012
If someone’s in a bad mood, help them out by asking if they’ve considered having a positive attitude
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) December 5, 2012
More little old men in fur coats, please.
— molly (@Molly_Kats) December 6, 2012
I am a total ’90’s kid and love all things 90. Remember Rugrat? She was funny. Also those sodas? I love soda.
— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) December 5, 2012
My 8 year old just picked up a used tissue from the ground at The Home Depot. I left him there.
— Jay Such (@TheSomeGuyShow) December 2, 2012
The Proclaimers sleep in bunk beds.
— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) December 4, 2012
Took my nephew to a petting zoo recently and there wasn’t a single animal in sight, just Michael Stipe sitting cross-legged in some straw.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) December 6, 2012
My paper shredder is broken so please don’t send me Christmas cards this year.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) December 6, 2011
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