Ultra-Marathoner Admits He Just Hates His Family

“To be completely honest, I despise running, HATE IT! Competing in these insane 100-mile running races on the weekends and all the training that goes with it is utter torture,” said ultra-marathoner Marc Skednick of Philadelphia as he applied super glue to a heel blister the size of a plum. “That said, I continue to do it because I hate spending time with my family a thousand times more than competing in this ridiculous sport.”

“My strict training method consists of running about 20 miles a day in preparation for my weekend races that take place twice a month. As you can see it doesn’t allow much time for me to spend with my nagging wife or bratty kids… actually, it leaves absolutely no face time for me and my family. I’m really not sure what the 12-year-old looks like now. Or is she 13? Not sure, anyway, gotta motor…” Skednick finishes tending to his wound, slowly gets up and continues his daily run as the clock strikes 10:45pm.

The 6-foot-1, 135-pound Skednick runs for a few hours before and after work and usually eats all his meals while running. In keeping with his family-shunning ways, Skednick makes sure to take off his Bluetooth before a run just in case a family member might want to get in touch. “I pretend to need ‘total concentration’ while running, so I ask my family not to call me.”

When asked if he misses seeing his daddy, Skednick’s 10-year-old son quickly responds “Do you want to play Guitar Hero? Or go kill some ants?” before he darts into the other room to punch his sister in the back of her head.

His wife Nancy puts her husband’s hobby into perspective, “It keeps him happy. He sure seems to love it!”

The long-long-distance runner describes his upcoming 135-mile event, “Like most of the races, this one is in the desert, about a million degrees. I usually puke on average about ten times a day from dehydration and exhaustion but that doesn’t deter me, not even the hallucinations can stop me. It’s sooooo much better than watching dance recitals and soccer games.”

“I’m motivated by that ‘Not-seeing-my-family-high’ that many runners get after logging in a few miles on the pavement. It makes all the leg cramps, eroded cartilage, third-degree sunburn, pants crapping, and the intense stabbing pain that jets up through my spine every time I begin to move my feet all worth it.”

 

Comments

comments. Please be civil, no pottymouths.

Jeff

I am the proprietor of usedwigs.com and I am regularly featured on happyplace.com and splitsider.com. You can follow my daily nonsense on Twitter. I'm also an avid runner and an animal-loving vegetarian, but not the annoying kind, I promise.

32 Comments

  1. At last! Now I understand why my husband does it. Actually, I compared ultra running to him having a mistress, but I think I like this explanation better.

  2. At last! Now I understand why my husband does it. Actually, I compared ultra running to him having a mistress, but I think I like this explanation better.

  3. Gerth

    What a Douche-bag!!!!!!!!

  4. Gerth

    What a Douche-bag!!!!!!!!

  5. STACEY

    His kids will grow up and want to spend just as much time with thier ” broken old man ” as he did with them, then it’s a little too late.. In a perfect world men like him would be sterile!! What an ass!!!

  6. STACEY

    His kids will grow up and want to spend just as much time with thier ” broken old man ” as he did with them, then it’s a little too late.. In a perfect world men like him would be sterile!! What an ass!!!

  7. stacey

    I can’t believe how much this guy urks me!!If his wife is smart she’d divorce him and eventually find another worth while companion that maybe her kids might have a chance with a decent guy that could be a positive roll model and father figure. His kids deserve a better father! There are so many people who have lost thier children in tragedy, or not been able to have them at all and he hates his..what an aweful thing to say about your family!!! LOSER!!

  8. stacey

    I can’t believe how much this guy urks me!!If his wife is smart she’d divorce him and eventually find another worth while companion that maybe her kids might have a chance with a decent guy that could be a positive roll model and father figure. His kids deserve a better father! There are so many people who have lost thier children in tragedy, or not been able to have them at all and he hates his..what an aweful thing to say about your family!!! LOSER!!

  9. Is this guy for real or is this some kind of spoof? Because it does not sound funny. If you really do not like your family that much, do not have one.

  10. Is this guy for real or is this some kind of spoof? Because it does not sound funny. If you really do not like your family that much, do not have one.

  11. Sounds like a spoof of Ultra-marathon man. I like it. I also like the book too.

    I think you should have named the runner “Mean Badazes”. ;)

  12. Sounds like a spoof of Ultra-marathon man. I like it. I also like the book too.

    I think you should have named the runner “Mean Badazes”. ;)

  13. patrick

    Does anyone know of anything a fat guy can do that takes up a similiar amount of time?
    Should also be inexpensive and if possible include food.

  14. patrick

    Does anyone know of anything a fat guy can do that takes up a similiar amount of time?
    Should also be inexpensive and if possible include food.

  15. patrick

    … and beer.

  16. patrick

    … and beer.

  17. Joanne

    I am a wife/mom, amateur Half-Iron Triathlete/Marathoner, teacher, in that order. Yes, it can be done. I plan my runs around my son’s sport schedule, so that I can pick him up and hear about his day before he decides it was not important to tell me. My swims are when practice is held, and my bike rides are when others have their activities, or better yet, with my husband. Parents should also “have a life,” but remember that your kids are only kids for a short period of time. Now, I wonder if my husband sent this article to me as a “reminder.”

  18. Joanne

    I am a wife/mom, amateur Half-Iron Triathlete/Marathoner, teacher, in that order. Yes, it can be done. I plan my runs around my son’s sport schedule, so that I can pick him up and hear about his day before he decides it was not important to tell me. My swims are when practice is held, and my bike rides are when others have their activities, or better yet, with my husband. Parents should also “have a life,” but remember that your kids are only kids for a short period of time. Now, I wonder if my husband sent this article to me as a “reminder.”

  19. sushi

    Why did you get married? you are a selfish basterd you are not an athleic you have no morals you are a pig making your body strong without a brain or feeling it means nothing they should kick you out of the sport you moran.
    You are a narssictic Ass,you belong to be treated as a criminal of law you do not deserve your family.

  20. sushi

    Why did you get married? you are a selfish basterd you are not an athleic you have no morals you are a pig making your body strong without a brain or feeling it means nothing they should kick you out of the sport you moran.
    You are a narssictic Ass,you belong to be treated as a criminal of law you do not deserve your family.

  21. Not A Sheep

    Hilarious spoof article and even more hilarious comments from people too stupid to realise it’s a spoof.

  22. whoabubba

    one word: bowling!

  23. binglerunner

    “There are so many people who have lost thier children in tragedy, or not been able to have them at all and he hates his..what an aweful thing to say about your family!!! LOSER!!”

    You have to wonder for comments like this whether the poster is being funny, or is simply a total moron.

  24. Patti

    Funny! I think I’ll stick to just marathons with my supportive husband on the sideline chearing me on!

  25. Man, this was pretty funny.

  26. Totally awesome justifications for Ultra Training. Right on.

  27. Gus

    The author didn’t work too hard to make the article sound realistic, yet there were several people who missed the boat entirely and thought he was legit.  Sigh.  His next article should be about the over-importance of understanding what you read, written from the point of view of someone who is a war-time translator for a president.

  28. Fiddler Crab

    Masturbation works for me.

  29. Ilene

    patrick, you could take up triathlons, fat guys like it and you eat while riding a bike.

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