Cage and his latest piece...
of Elvis memorabilia. |
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Nicolas Cage Completes His Elvis Collection, Looks Forward to Next Wife
Hollywood - Nicolas Cage had already grown the sideburns, acquired a fake southern drawl and developed a wildly egocentric view of reality. Next, Elvis's self-proclaimed "number-one fan" completed his impersonation of the King by obtaining his latest piece of memorabilia: Elvis's only acknowledged daughter, Lisa Marie Presley.
"You see, most collectors are content with amassing a trove of autographs, clothing and bodily fluids of the icons they adore. I'm not," relates Cage as he prepares a meal of sausage fudge pancakes using the King's own cast iron frying pan he bought on Ebay for $27,000. "I need to go that extra mile and make sure my collection is the very best. Marrying into the family usually does the trick."
"I was inspired by Mark Harris who actually married Martha Raye, the woman he worshipped for years," says Cage. "That is so cool! Now when you think of Martha Raye, Mark Harris comes to mind. Hopefully, in years to come, when people think of the musical giant Presley, they'll think of me, my role as a Flying Elvis in 'Honeymoon in Vegas,' and my undying love for fruit of Elvis's loins."
But the Oscar-nominated actor has the foresight to anticipate that the fading of Elvis anniversary fervor may eventually cool his ardor for his now complete collection.
"You don't follow a role like 'The Family Man' with the title roles in 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin' and 'Windtalkers' unless you're thinking ahead," boasts the lumbering mouth-breather, taking aim at his flat-screen TV with a remote control shaped like Elvis's Colt .45. "Now that my Elvis collection is complete, I'm already making headway on my next collection."
Cage, a huge Kurt Cobain fan, has just reached agreement with Courtney Love to secure the rights to marry daughter Frances Bean in the year 2010 when the girl becomes legal.
Courtney Love is also extremely excited about the blockbuster arranged marriage. "I think it's a fabulous deal for all parties involved. As you know from my management of the Nirvana catalog, I am a very savvy business woman and this deal rules!" Love lights up another hand-rolled cigarette and continues, "I just want what's best for my little Beaner, and knowing she'll be taken care of when I overdose, I mean, if I die, is very comforting. Nicky is a great guy. Remember him in 'Valley Girl,' when he came out of the water looking all hot… totally fab…he rocks…woohoo!"
"I love the Nirvana and Kurt Cobain and already have a nice collection of his stuff including a blood-stained flannel shirt, four of his guitars and his beagle McGrungie," said the privileged nephew of Francis Ford Coppola in his thick, charmless monotone. "Lisa is totally cool with this deal. She's is finalizing a deal to marry Prince's nephew when we call this off."
Cage refused to confirm rumors that he also has secured first-look rights to marry Paris Jackson, Wendy Springsteen and Alexa Ray Joel.
Theodore Gumbrill
Wigs Business Reporter
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