What Do We Do When Our Friends Die?
My nine-year-old daughter Juliette is tall and a bit shy. Her best friend Molly is short and very confident. They are also both very silly and sweet and bring out the best in each other. I’m very glad they are buddies.
Molly moved to Chicago this past Spring. Her mother Seana was diagnosed with MS and they decided to relocate to her hometown to be near her family. Seana, her husband Jeremy, and son Luke were good people and good friends. It was tough saying goodbye. Juliette and Molly have kept in touch since the move with emails, texts, handwritten letters and lots of loud giggly phone calls. Hearing Juliette end a call with “I love you, Molly!” always makes me smile and well up a bit.
This past July their family was in a car accident. A drunk driver ran a light and struck their car. Molly’s father Jeremy was killed. Seana was seriously injured and fell into in a coma. Molly and her younger brother Luke were also injured and have since recovered. Luke suffered head injuries and will need to be tested in the future. They are now living with their grandparents and just started in a new school.
It’s been three months since the crash and it’s still shocking and raw and hard to accept. Jeremy was a nice guy and a caring dad with a dry sense of humor who home-brewed beer that was actually drinkable. He just started a new job at the University of Chicago before the accident and worked hard to settle his family in for their new life and new home. I drive by their old house every day on my way to work and my heart breaks a little more with each trip.
In the past 10 months two other friends have also died, each leaving a giant void in the lives of their families and friends. My buddy Todd passed away this past December. I think about him and his wife Heather and their two kids every day and honestly can’t put into words how much I miss the guy. A month later, the mother of my youngest daughter’s good friend lost her valiant battle with cancer.
What do you do for a family that suffers a loss like this? How do you help them? How do you talk to your own kids about the death of parents without scaring them more than they already are? I’m still trying to figure this out and not really doing the best job at it. My wife is strong and smart and not a complete puddle like me. She told our kids about each death. My parents died a while back and I got pretty good at locking away the grief that comes with the loss of a family member but there are so many new emotions and fears when friends die.
While I struggle, I have noticed that no matter how much pain kids are in, they are tougher than we think and they try very hard to look for and embrace the goodness that still exists in their lives. Hearing Molly excitedly tell Juliette over the phone about her Mom’s progress, “She’s awake now and can give a thumbs up!” is a beautiful thing. Hearing them also discuss friends and school and new books in the same conversation is also thing of beauty and a reason to be hopeful. Life must continue. Families will mourn and will learn to move on in a new dynamic, keeping the memories alive while moving forward. It takes an immense amount of courage, strength and energy for the spouses and children left behind. We need to help in ways both big and small.
So, the least we can do for our friends who are suffering is to be there for them. Pick up the phone or stop by and just listen and chat and laugh and tell stories and hug and hug again and cry and cry again. Just be available. I’m working to get better at this. If you are are in a similar situation, reach out as best you can.
I dropped off my wife Kelly and my daughters at the airport this afternoon for their first trip on a airplane. The girls were very excited. They are going to Chicago for a few days to see Molly, Luke and Seana. Hoping there are lots of giggles and lots of thumbs up.
Follow Seana’s progress: www.caringbridge.org/visit/valentinefamily
