Best of @afbradstone
Some Twitter gems from the dearly deactivated @afbradstone (aka Yngwie Momjeans) account. He still lives on Vine (for now).
Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge
The tweets where it says “life comes at you fast” and then there’s two pictures. I don’t look at those. I spend that time with my family
Boring parents potty-train their kids. I taught mine to raise a finger and dryly utter, “Check please,” when she lards her pamp with a fæcus
RIP my trigonometry teacher who fell into a bin of protractors. He’s with the angles nowTHIS USER HAS BEEN SUSPENDED
[me as a simple country lawyer] Seems to me *snaps suspenders* OW MY FUCKING NIPPLES
*encounters a soft dog turd with part of a Dunkin Donuts bag stuck to it* we’re not so different you and I
Do you yearn as I do for those sweeter, simpler bygone days when our society’s most dire concern was ascertaining the location of the beef
ME (brilliant, incisive): [posts tweet encapsulating the tragic absurdity of the human condition] YOU (erudite, discerning): Ha ha ha, yes
Tonight I had to tell my toddler she couldn’t take her bath with a slice of pizza. I’ve become everything I ever hated
The secret of my success? Consistently replying, “Thnaks you!” to all work emails
Thrice this week I’ve faked a cellphone call on a cheese danish to avoid engaging with a clipboard millennial
[office] SECURITY GUARD: Sir, just remove your keycard from your back pocket and stop rubbing your big butt all over the sensor ME: Keycard?
My family’s “Kennedy curse” is where all the men get crushed by vending machines while trying to extract a free bag of Andy Capp’s Hot Fries
So funny how folks travel with huge suitcases when all one really needs to pack for any trip are a decent butterfly knife and $975,000 cash
Occasionally I go to Brooklyn just to congratulate everyone who lives there
Can’t remember whether my son’s name is Declan or Dylan but honestly who gives a shit
A fun thing to do on spaghetti night with your spouse & kids is bite into a spicy meatball & exclaim, “I’ve got another family across town!”
*does legendary Babe Ruth point at Number 6 on the Wendy’s menu*
When asked to bring a salad to a dinner party, it’s nice to pleasantly surprise your host by arriving with a roast suckling pig
If I ever need a little mental vacation I simply cast my memory back to the Viking River Cruise I so enjoyed watching a commercial about
My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom
