David Blaine Fails Latest Stunt!

In what was billed as the brazen magician’s most courageous and impossible stunt to date, David Blaine officially gave up his quest to work as an assistant product manager at a technology company for one straight month (with weekends off). After a mere 16 hours in the harrowing position, Blaine took a long lunch and never returned.

“I met my match,” said a gaunt and sickly looking Blaine, who had survived the treacherous two-day period by subsisting on only 12 cups of tepid company coffee and various sugared snacks and pretzels from the vending machines. “Physically, I was in good shape at the start. But the pervasive soul-sucking environment of the office and the overwhelming sense of dread that the workers exuded completely sapped me of my will to perform… my will to live.”

The much heralded daredevil who has survived such stunts as being buried alive and being turned into a human ice cube, has never had a real day job and did not know what to expect. After his first 10-hour day, filled with four different meetings and two conference calls with needy clients, Blaine was extremely fatigued and found wandering around the kitchen in a daze looking for coffee creamers.

“The meetings were killers and so damn long, and we didn’t even touch on all the points we needed to. But my workspace was the real nail in the coffin,” continued Blaine as he was been given liquids intravenously.

“The cube was so just insanely small, even for me, an experienced contortionist, that I could not physically do my work. Plus I was distracted by my coworker who was on the phone with her husband every 10 minutes and my manager Todd who kept Instant Messaging me about my progress.”

Blaine was also stymied by the work that was given to him. “I just could not get the goddamn graphics to import correctly into the PowerPoint presentation that I was supposed to have ready for my 2:00 p.m. meeting with Marketing. It was freaking impossible. My magic was powerless.”

Blaine said he is not sure of his next stunt and might just take some time off and clear his head and relax with twin Brazilian supermodels in the Hamptons.

Jeff Lyons
Education Reporter