Funniest Tweets Ever – Volume 2
Welcome to Volume 2 of maybe not the funniest tweets ever but I guarantee you this is a pretty kick-ass compilation of new and old Twitter gems. Before you get mad at me for not including your favorite, I apologize, I’ve only read 86% of all the tweets ever posted. That said, I hope you enjoy them and LOL often and follow these weirdos for more goodness (please be patient, the page takes a while to fully load).
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: pic.twitter.com/7WsgiweZJb
— JRR is Jokien 🗡️🏹🪓 (@joshcarlosjosh) August 12, 2022
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
— summer goth 🦇 (@NicCageMatch) April 10, 2014
Kids, the 90s were great. There were free postcards in coffee shops & free drugs in clubs & no one took a photo of anything ever.
— Kendra Alvey 👻 (@Kendragarden) March 6, 2015
back in the day if u did a tv show called surf dracula you'd see that fool surfing every week in new adventures but in the streaming era the entire 1st season gotta be a long ass flashback to how he got the surfboard until you finally get to see him surf for 5 min in the finale
— D🌑CFUTURE (@topherflorence) October 7, 2021
I'm having a yard sale but no one is coming, so in actuality I'm just sitting on my lawn surrounded by my saddest possessions.
— Andrew O. (@TheOrvedahl) June 9, 2018
A banjo is just a guitar that wants to show you a dead body.
— Jason (@longwall26) August 31, 2013
I think these stock photo models are running a disability scam. pic.twitter.com/MoZ3sY8bCW
— Dan McQuade (@dhm) June 27, 2016
Car mechanic accidentally rolling under my bathroom stall then rolling right out after realizing it’s not the bottom of a car
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) March 31, 2022
#BroadStreetRun pic.twitter.com/egeGDVF5nx
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) May 3, 2015
So humiliating when a kid names a lizard Lizzy. That’s when u know u have a real dud on your hands.
— emma barrie (@emmabarrie) July 21, 2021
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 17, 2018
“When I don't get a treat, how does that make you feel?” pic.twitter.com/pJhYsqnWb9
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) September 4, 2017
My dad still buys his slacks at a Montgomery Ward in Long Beach that burned down twenty years ago.
— Jim Gavin (@jimatdeltaco) March 12, 2014
1805 outhouse graffiti
-Reap thy harvest
-I'd like to reap Sister Gwendolyn's harvest
-He who inscribed the above will feel the lash's sting— Ira Parks (@IraParks) January 18, 2017
As a writer, I always make sure to carry around a little notebook and pen, in case I think of any ways to make money.
— Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) November 25, 2019
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 15, 2016
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird— Hi, it's Abby. Yep (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
whenever i say "all things considered" i have only considered 3 things at most, usually less
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) October 24, 2016
Swordfish on the grill tonight.
Whole swordfish. 9 feet, 435 lbs. Threw the fucking thing right on top of my Weber. It collapsed immediately. Chaotic scene. Huge waste of food.— Chris Murphy (@chrismurphyusa) October 7, 2021
Me: Good night
Brain: WAIT here are the worst things possible— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) July 14, 2017
My comment on every NYTimes Cooking recipe: “Loved it! Made some changes (added 2 cups hotdog).”
— Billy Fatzinger (@billyfatzinger) October 5, 2020
Fuck it, just gonna start my own talk show pic.twitter.com/QRrj2I6jOy
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) July 22, 2021
Told my son to “Take care” after tucking him in tonight. Work and home boundaries blurring to the point of non-existence.
— AF (@ArkansasFred) April 7, 2020
I'm not too worried about the deaths in Infinity War because it's a movie with very valuable branded characters, and I'm 52
— Anthony DeVito (@AnthonyDeVito) May 15, 2018
YES HI I WILL HAVE SIX THOUSAND SAUSAGE EGG AND CHEESE MCGRIDDLES AND A LARGE COFFEE pic.twitter.com/bDpA2EkNLG
— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) August 17, 2018
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 17, 2019
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy's head. Nice. I'll add blush in post. pic.twitter.com/nE6TKV9nyP
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) April 26, 2016
Welcome to the world, Jar Jar Hardy https://t.co/9Vfxf5N0fz
— zzzz (@MKupperman) January 12, 2019
Person: Do you watch Game of Thrones
Me, reading my Twitter feed: …. I mean basically— maura quint (@behindyourback) May 20, 2019
Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) July 23, 2015
"I will play him, yes, I will play your Colonel. Some kind of military man, this Sanders? Say no more, I'll begin my research immediately." pic.twitter.com/q0IoJSoCvS
— Rob Wesley (@eastwes) May 24, 2018
omfg my boss is obsessed with me pic.twitter.com/DYZwlkUdFS
— old tom (@YuckyTom) March 11, 2021
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
— eric (@ericsshadow) January 15, 2016
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 3, 2018
Never forget this incredible series of events pic.twitter.com/SsgiBayoIm
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 1, 2021
Slow your roll, NASA. Let's hear the killer asteroid out pic.twitter.com/AKncVq3PUb
— Lady Dr. LadyBusiness, Esq. (@LadyBusiness_) January 11, 2017
Where’s Waldo? Not my problem
— chris (@BassoonJokes) September 26, 2019
https://twitter.com/jzux/status/1429836007172571143
You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get thrown out of a pet store
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) September 1, 2017
I sexually identify as walking in an hour late with an iced coffee
— kid gruesome (@smeagolsfree) September 7, 2018
Nothing worse than sleeping at a friend's house and their family has some weird ass thing like calling spaghetti "Billy Dinner" or some shit
— cullen 'swamp trash' crawford (@HelloCullen) May 14, 2019
My neighbor is flying a Patriots flag outside his home. For two weeks, unbeknownst to him, I've been running a hose along his home's foundation, trying to create a sinkhole. Go Birds
— Treb (@treblaw) February 2, 2018
smokes weed once pic.twitter.com/QMnZH16f3h
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) October 21, 2016
The first day in prison, find the biggest, baddest guy on the yard and ask politely if he will throw you over the fence.
— cap’n watsisname (@capnwatsisname) March 24, 2021
when I sign off an email with "Love Karen" sans comma, it is not a typo. it is an order
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 29, 2021
[from the last row of nick cave concert]
More like nick cave and the bad seats.
— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) May 27, 2017
Fifth Third Bank? I don't think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
— Derek Lawler (@RowdyBowden) March 13, 2012
The Wild, The Innocent, and The pic.twitter.com/wLYrwwT44H
— The Caribbean (@thecaribbean) June 6, 2021
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
— man it’s a hot zone, (@Mobute) October 2, 2021
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) September 27, 2016
"Yeah, excuse me. I just need to get to my stuff there." — the extent of my locker room talk
— Chris Regan (@ChrisRRegan) October 8, 2016
My mom would wake up early just to cut the crust off my sandwiches for lunch. She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) January 20, 2014
I’m old enough to remember when gossip mags gave a damn pic.twitter.com/aAsLyJ2W67
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) November 22, 2013
artist's rendering of a dude urging me to give tom waits another try pic.twitter.com/DQUJO3p56A
— precious maggie (@maggieserota) May 19, 2019
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
— marf (@MarfSalvador) September 27, 2017
Sorry you suck at standup and had to become a rightwing podcaster.
— Christian Finnegan (@ChristFinnegan) January 7, 2021
I’m sorry my therapy goose ruined your zoom interview
— Karen Tozzi (@hotsietozzi) January 26, 2021
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
— Carmely Sandiego (@orangecrushable) July 6, 2022
I can’t stop laughing at the reasoning for Twister’s PG-13 rating pic.twitter.com/SdIZtVuRyH
— Blake Wexler (@BlakeWexler) June 15, 2020
One time at CCD class the teacher made us draw Jesus’ death and my younger brother drew a stick figure in a cowboy hat blowing him away with a revolver.
— Travis (@bakesale77) August 20, 2021
HE PROPOSED!!!!! 😍😍😍😍😍😍🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼💍💍💍💍💍💍💍 to the girl he dated after me!
— trash jones (@jzux) August 23, 2021