Funniest Tweets Ever – Volume 5
Welcome to Volume 5 of maybe not the funniest tweets ever but I guarantee you this is a top-notch list of new and old Twitter gems. Links to Volumes 1, 2, 3, and 4 are below.
Imagine being told to behave by Austin Powers of all people
— ✨Omar Najam✨ 🖤🤍💜 (@OmarNajam) January 18, 2023
My buddy who works at Area 51 told me Puss in Boots is real
— pj (@pjayevans) January 17, 2023
wish you could mark certain songs on spotify as emotional support songs. like this shouldn’t count towards my end of year wrapped it’s a medical song
— pascalle (@pasxalle) January 30, 2023
We fixed the 7yo’s label maker and I just found this on my desk pic.twitter.com/TudvotrWOj
— Kahnstantine (@KindBounce) January 25, 2023
Heard someone on a podcast say something, something "..'til the clowns come home" and the other guy just let it go. Unaddressed.
— Paul Brittain (@PaulBrittain3) January 31, 2023
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
— eleanor (@eleanordotcomm) January 27, 2023
From the drive home when Frank leaned on the power button and rolled the passenger window down *on the freeway* he’s acting sad because I yelled at him but notice how he refuses to remove his paw from the power button- that’s defiance pic.twitter.com/zTYPlJtfsG
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 31, 2023
Networks are like “oh sorry there is already a show about a 30 yr old woman” meanwhile there are 18 shows called shrinking
— emma barrie (@emmabarrie) February 4, 2023
(To my 5- and 7-year-old standing on top of the Art Museum steps) Do you guys know where we are.
7-year-old: Yeah, these are those steps that guy ran up. What was his name, Chunky?
Me: Yes. These are the steps that Chunky made famous.— Jared Bilski (@JaredBilski) January 17, 2023
[waving to my neighbor whose name i can't remember] morning fucker
— new year new lovitz (@liljonlovitz) November 19, 2022
Beginning to think I'll never get to do that thing where you put a whole fish in your mouth and pull out the clean skeleton.
— RM (@dorsalstream) March 14, 2019
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Punxsutawney Phil
— hannah (@discounthannah) February 3, 2023
I wish we still did cool 80s shit like make Banshees of Inisherin into a cereal
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) January 25, 2023
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
— bennett (@ImagineAGuy) February 6, 2023
Me, at parties, trying not to run when they announce that the buffet is open. pic.twitter.com/WdTtrCYLKM
— Paul Bronks (@SlenderSherbet) February 5, 2023
This hotel's so nice the hangers don't even have those little loops to prevent stealing. Looks like y'all just let a fox into the henhouse.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) January 24, 2013
Wife doesn't seem satisfied by my explanation that our kid was taken by "mountain people"… I don't know what else to call them!
— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) December 20, 2022
