Funniest Tweets Ever – Volume 6
More very good old and new tweets for you to hold in the palm of your hand. Follow these weirdos.
DOCTOR: It says here you took 3 years off to "soak in tub" ?
ME: (pleasantly) Yes, due to my agonies.— Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) March 28, 2019
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
— kim (@KimmyMonte) May 20, 2023
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say "oh no, my cheds" faintly from across the room
— hat (@Hattiethepirate) September 8, 2017
My 5-year-old walked in on me sleeping with my CPAP on and in the most sincere voice said “Dad, you look like ET when he died.”
— Jake Mattera (@JakeMattera) February 10, 2023
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
— Philipp Kostelecky (@CheeseCakePCK) March 14, 2022
Parenting is ok except for every once in a while when my 3-year-old requests “Ham Hands” for lunch, which is when she takes two handfuls of ham and eats it in the living room while she watches tv.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) April 11, 2023
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
— Troutman™ (@robotrowboat) February 21, 2023
What's your favorite tech innovation?
— Adam Kotsko (@adamkotsko) May 16, 2023
Whenever I see a car with one headlight I think of my favorite Wallflowers song, "Fucked Up Car."
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) March 7, 2018
“It’s about a guy who loves being a butler.” My husband’s review of Remains of the Day
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) April 23, 2023
We're a modest company with modest goals:
1: sell a quality product at a fair price
2: drain the world's oceans so we can find and kill god— Stev D (@Stev_D) October 21, 2014
Whenever I take a pic of something random my daughter asks “is that for Twitter?” None of your business.
— Gourmet Spud (@gourmetspud) April 6, 2023
Write like your parents are dead. Tweet like your friends don't follow you.
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) June 23, 2014
I'm looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) November 11, 2015
Women in Victorian novels are always spending weeks languishing dramatically in a wrought-iron bed after experiencing one headache, and frankly I believe we should bring that back.
— Icona 📚 (@iconawrites) May 19, 2023
"You promise you didn't get me bees again"
[me from a distance] just open it— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 11, 2014
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify "not breastmilk." It's unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
— jess (retired) (@jessokfine) August 8, 2015
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands— Ygrene™ (@Ygrene) January 19, 2018
Maamwich, the Manwich for Her™
— Tom Coombe (@CalmTomb) March 29, 2023
when a narrator in a nature documentary says that a penguin is about a metre tall i just chuckle wisely and shake my head, revelling in how fucking wrong this dumbass surely is
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) May 9, 2023
How pissed would you be if you were giving a smooch to a frog and it turned into a human man. Oh I gotta deal with this guy now
— 👩🏻🚀 (@lanyardigan) March 31, 2022
— Why you should have a cat (@ShouldHaveCat) May 12, 2023
https://t.co/K8iQEO2Zvo pic.twitter.com/1jz65lET3D
— Hardcourt History (@HardcourtHstory) May 16, 2023
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
— RM (@dorsalstream) April 29, 2023
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) January 23, 2019
wanna see something cool, kid? *opens desk drawer revealing a tiny, bustling city* oops wrong drawer *opens other drawer and there's a gun*
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) March 18, 2014
Saying “oh biiig stretch” to my 37 y/o buddy who sleeps on my couch
— Losing it (@prophethusband) May 19, 2023
my grandma mistakenly told her friends that my novel costs $100. they’ve been handing her $100 bills for me to order on their behalf. all live in affordable housing & none can read in english 😭
— Ruth Madievsky (@ruthmadievsky) November 29, 2022
Quadruple Threat! Barbra Streisand Has a Knife: https://t.co/vVYLEsOYyS pic.twitter.com/CNFIUc7d7d
— Reductress (@Reductress) February 11, 2023