A Big List of Funny Tweets I Enjoyed A Lot in 2014 – Part II
Below you’ll find a lot of funny people I highly recommend following if you enjoy the sound of laughter coming out of your mouth. This is Part II, make sure to enjoy Part I too. Please note: These are mostly in chronological order.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 19, 2014
Supercuts is one step away from handing you the scissors & saying, “Here, you fix it.”
— Erica (@SCbchbum) May 3, 2014
LIFEHACK: Do the dishes, you piece of shit.
— Andrew O. (@TheOrvedahl) July 22, 2014
"Listen. Forget fame & money. Forget the critics. Build that dune buggy for yourself." – from my recent interview in Dune Buggy Magazine.
— Jim Gavin (@jimatdeltaco) May 31, 2014
I'm an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) May 17, 2014
He's a detective that breaks all the rules. She's an officer consumed with revenge. Together, they're….fired. They're awful cops.
— Derek Lawler (@RowdyBowden) June 18, 2014
Geez, sorry, I thought your Ramones-fan toddler could handle some straight talk about death.
— rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) July 14, 2014
This cashier has no idea that I'm buying the book "25,000 Baby Names" because my wife is a queen ant and we're having 25,000 babies
— Shane Murphy (@Shanehasabeard) June 11, 2014
I overdid my eyebrows last night and I was like pic.twitter.com/LrlUVP91vO
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 10, 2014
YOUR AUDIENCE WON'T KNOW A TEEN CHARACTER DOESN'T WANT TO BE ON THIS FAMILY VACATION IF YOU DON'T HAVE THEM WEARING HEADPHONES.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 1, 2014
If I worked at Subway I would say “Ew gross” after placing each item you asked me to put on your breakfast sandwich.
— Kyle H (@DepecheALAmode) July 28, 2014
An accessory that appears a lot in punk fashion is the safety pin, the least punk of all the pins.
— Chris Michael Shea (@tierack) August 17, 2014
the worst thing about my local coffee shop is the parfait cup doesn't come with granola + i was attacked by a homeless man there
— Cara Devins (@C_Devs) May 30, 2014
What goes around frequently just goes around
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) August 12, 2014
::sees follower count decrease::
Hm, that can't be right.
::reads last several thousand tweets::
Ah, yes.
— Arkansas Fred (@ArkansasFred) September 27, 2014
Can’t believe she’s single pic.twitter.com/RVETVMB20Z
— Mike Meech (@meechone) June 4, 2014
Before you try to fight me, you should know that I sometimes sit on an exercise ball at work.
— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) September 25, 2014
Position: Life Coach
Qualifications:
1. Knows motivational quotes
2. Is moderately attractive
3. Cannot get real job
— Greg Dorris (@GregDorris) September 23, 2014
"… and that's the essence of my tweeting technique. Any questions?" pic.twitter.com/7GRabfar7T
— Nigel (@PoguePhilosophy) September 17, 2014
I get uncomfortable when people call me a genius. Maybe 'cause of their eye rolling and finger quotes.
— Andy Ross (@waitforandy) October 14, 2014
No thanks nightmare button. pic.twitter.com/Ldr7DK37ob
— Nick (@NickSchug) October 12, 2014
*takes a sip of coffee, leans back in chair and cracks knuckles* Ok, time to publish my every stupid thought online.
— Ray Ramos (@dragnut) September 9, 2014
The thing that separates us most from animals is our ability to administer "sick burns" to each other through a global network of computers.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) October 23, 2014
The "Tonight Let's Remember That Thing We All Like Show" with Jimmy Fallon.
— Paul Triggiani (@PaulTrigg) March 23, 2014
When I was little my Nana went to live on a farm where she could run free and play with all the other Grandmas.
— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) April 15, 2014
Oops, I followed several people who are angry about the same old shit every day.
— Pauly Miller (@Pauly_Miller) November 14, 2014
Do not make me threaten to come in there and reprimand you because I will not follow through.
— Amanda Mancino (@Manda_like_wine) October 6, 2014
Thinkpieces: "Hey, are you enjoying something? Not so fast."
— Luke Giordano (@lukegiordano) November 13, 2014
If this whole twitter thing doesn't work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
— Evan J'daté Kessler (@EvanJKessler) July 26, 2014
#TheInterview #NorthKorea pic.twitter.com/w1N0VxGsLu
— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) December 18, 2014
Every car accident I've been in was my fault for letting go of the steering wheel and windmilling to a Who song.
— Adie (@TheBlessMess) December 17, 2014
gogurt but with mashed potatoes
— chris (@BassoonJokes) November 19, 2014
Ebola safety tip: Avoid playing with other people's piss and shit. This means you, Kenneth
— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) October 1, 2014
This isn't going to workout.
-my body
— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) December 10, 2014
Create office intrigue by taking a trip to the makeup counter at Macy's during lunch. Return to work looking like a Russian figure skater.
— Kiki D. (@FeralCrone) December 5, 2014
"if anyone has reason for these two not to wed, speak now or forever hold your…"
THE FLOWER GIRL IS A WITCH!
— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) October 11, 2014
[meeting GF's mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I'm overselling this, aren't I?
— Brandon (@UNTRESOR) May 30, 2014
I'm at the public library saying, "Ah, that's a great movie," to everyone who picks up a book.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) December 6, 2014
This one scared the hell out of me. pic.twitter.com/apJaZWKSUF
— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) May 11, 2014
The NFL with the pink shit: "We care about the boob parts of women"
— lanyard (@lanyardigan) October 5, 2014
A little about me: my favorite song is happy birthday and my favorite band is just my mom singing it.
— Nathan Buckley (@duplicitron) November 7, 2014
It would be a bummer if your psychic friend gave you a prosthetic hand for Christmas.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) November 30, 2014