My Favorite Tweets of 2015

It's time we turn these loft apartments back into factories. The fun is over.

— Doth (@DothTheDoth) April 26, 2015

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) December 1, 2015

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 2, 2015

Kids, the 90s were great. There were free postcards in coffee shops & free drugs in clubs & no one took a photo of anything ever.

— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) March 6, 2015

Lil' Kim implies the existence of a larger Kim

— blake (@Leemanish) November 17, 2015

I ran my mouth during a freestyle rap battle again, and now I have to deliver and install 300 custom granite countertops by this afternoon.

— Cleve (@turbomanatee) September 21, 2015

A vegan cookbook where every recipe starts with a long sigh.

— Andy Ross (@waitforandy) April 17, 2015

Posted this pic on FB & my grandma called me and said, "Are you eating? You looked really thin in that trash can." pic.twitter.com/JsUvkcjVMo

— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) June 9, 2015

Whereas life once seemed so full of wonder, I now have a favorite brand of kitchen sponge and a second favorite brand of kitchen sponge

— afbradstone (@afbradstone) March 11, 2015

I'm quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi code Maybe Knock It Off With The Fucking Leaf Blowing, Gary.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 14, 2015

Tell your kids you love them every day! Do it at their Jr. High. Be sure you're wearing a fanny pack & a shirt with a picture of them on it.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) March 10, 2015

let your partner know the sex was great by dumping an entire cooler of Gatorade on them afterwards

— hope (@hopiecan) October 19, 2015

1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) February 10, 2015

If you like to watch women appear in doorways so they can remind a great man about his schedule, you will love the Steve Jobs movie.

— Jim Gavin (@jimatdeltaco) December 14, 2015

*slips the maître d a hundred dollar bill* [whispers] Table near the router and your wifi password, my good man.

— Ray (@dragnut) January 28, 2015

Two rodents walk into a bar. No one notices. It's a shitty bar.

— Karen (Tozzi) (@karentozzi) May 31, 2015

Put a "I ♡ container ships" bumper sticker on your life raft to increase your chances of being rescued at sea.

— Chris Murphy (@chrismurphyusa) September 22, 2015

I saw a little dog obeying French commands from its French owner and my first thought was, “This fucking dog is smarter than me.”

— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) July 21, 2015

If elected Bernie Sanders will personally yell at every billionaire.

— Jim Grammond (@jgrammond) October 14, 2015

"It's a Wonderful Life" 2015 ending: each of George's friends at home begrudgingly contributing $10 to his GoFundMe while rolling their eyes

— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) November 18, 2015

100% of the people who describe their life as a "journey" have DUIs.

— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) August 22, 2015

Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.

— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015

You know, for some people, the struggle is fake.

— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) July 23, 2015

I'm 38 years old, but last night before I went to bed I had to rearrange a coat rack because it looked like a person.

— Calm Yule (@CalmTomb) April 29, 2015

[slurring] Let me hold your baby

— moody monday (@mdob11) January 25, 2015

My daughter does this cool thing where I never sleep or have friends.

— Steve (@WigCannon) January 9, 2015

"Is there anything else you'd like to-" "Bones." "I'm sorry?" "I want to see the lab from Bones. Maybe meet Bones?" pic.twitter.com/yBEGT4vofX

— Rob Wesley (@eastwes) September 23, 2015

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) May 15, 2015

My kids were disappointed when I told them there is no such thing as a Valentine's Day Fairy, even though they made her up last night.

— Kell Andrews (@kellandrewsPA) February 14, 2015

I will be the first wrestler in the WWE to slam my opponent from behind with an Adirondack Chair

— Sam (@SamuelMoen) February 26, 2015

I live by one rule: when an event photographer (wedding, school, etc) says "now let's take some fun ones" I walk the fuck away

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) December 13, 2015

Odd banner hanging outside my local bank: YOUR $ IS SAFE HERE. WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD? WHAT ARE THEY SAYING? THAT IT'S NOT SAFE HERE?!

— Ira Parks (@IraParks) June 19, 2015

why these dogs look like they bout to drop the most fire album of 2015 pic.twitter.com/NkeNVphiyw

— Dan McQuade (@dhm) February 25, 2015

Find the one thing you love and shut up about it

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 22, 2015

A prequel to Disney's Cars that shows the full-scale genocide of all the humans

— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) April 8, 2015

If I'm at your home for more than 2 hours, don't be surprised if you look up all of a sudden and I'm in pajamas.

— TokenSuperhero (@MarcusTheToken) February 9, 2015

"And in the end, Danny Glover learned he had been just the right age for the shit all along." [closes book] Sleep well, kids. [light switch]

— Don WeNowRGayApparel (@TheDairylandDon) April 18, 2015

When I say I’m “up for anything,” I usually mean like 3 things, tops.

— Erica (@SCbchbum) February 10, 2015

Linens 'n Things. pic.twitter.com/01NglXcIKb

— Jon Solomon (@comedyminusone) February 9, 2015

Fruit bowl not in a great place right now. pic.twitter.com/1hdcMFyznI

— Arkansas Fred (@ArkansasFred) October 10, 2015

Can everyone stop taking secret photos of people sleeping on the bus or wearing something different? Life is hard enough.

— Megan Pettit (@meganshpettit) June 27, 2015

Hi. You might remember me from such foibles as “spilled beer on daughter’s report card."

— Adam (@MassageByTed) March 31, 2015

No more Mr. Nice Guy. I have finally completed my PhD in Altruism.

— Rando Calrissian (@VocabuLarry) March 17, 2015

Most Cathy comic strips use a classic three 'Ack!' structure

— Hannukah Lozenge™ (@LostCatDog) March 12, 2015

Nice try, ghost chair. pic.twitter.com/0br1AazxTm

— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) September 15, 2015

plan: grow a turtle so big no one will be able to ignore me.

— rachael (@WookieOnUnicorn) April 19, 2015

here are what popular tweets are now – dr: sorry but your wife is bread. me: don't you mean dead? dr: uh… [ducks burst out of dr coat]

— Eli Terry (@EliTerry) March 19, 2015

Go to a spiritual lecture and laugh wisely in all the wrong places

— lanyard (@lanyardigan) March 29, 2015

I hate when planes get delayed instead of fly 30,000 feet in the sky with broken parts.

— aaron blitzstein (@BlitznBeans) July 8, 2015

A fun thing to do if you're ever caught in an avalanche is to spend your final minutes on Earth singing "Buried Alive" to "Stayin' Alive".

— R McG (@RussMcGarry) January 10, 2015

when you google a female celebrity and "Eating Spaghetti" is the autocomplete, it's because of me.

— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) April 2, 2015

Gals, if you want to make that first kiss memorable, slip a live goldfish into your mouth as he leans in.

— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) November 6, 2015

Just saw this expression on Tracy Morgan's baby and had to take the rest of the day off. pic.twitter.com/KDBqbr5iye

— Tara Ariano (@TaraAriano) September 21, 2015

I remember when all I had to read on the toilet was ingredients on the shampoo bottle. Now I can read shampoo ingredients from my phone!

— Derek Lawler (@RowdyBowden) May 30, 2015

Out of all the rhetorical questions I ask my cats on a daily basis, "Why are you wet?" is the one I hope they never answer

— Nikki Walter (@TurboGrandma) July 22, 2015

I just want to be smart enough to know who the Google Doodles are celebrating without having to look it up.

— $pencer (@13spencer) May 13, 2015

NPR reporter just gave the most accurate sports report ever, when she referred to last night's Phillies starting pitcher as "the poor dear".

— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) April 29, 2015

Your dating bio says you love to laugh. This isn't gonna work out. I'm not about that life. No don't laugh you're only making it worse.

— ibid (@ibid78) June 28, 2015

Once in high school I gave away the fact that I'd never had sex by referring to the virgin mary as "regular mary"

— Dan gagliardi (@asimplemachine) August 13, 2015

I'd like to know more about the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's navy stint.

— Emily Toffelmire (@klickitatstreet) October 24, 2015

A moment of silence for the long lost simple joy of buying a new poster.

— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) August 3, 2015

This bar is playing ELO over the PA system & showing Hellraiser on its TVs. Looks like I found my Cheers!

— Morgan (@MorganCline) October 25, 2015

[tweets about social justice] Well, I did everything I could.

— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) May 27, 2015

wait a second, I'm starting to think they want us to believe every time of the year is the best time to own or lease a new or used vehicle

— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 28, 2015

These are nice drums, but he's sitting on the wrong side of them. Common mistake among new drummers. pic.twitter.com/yUiUX2QgRE

— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) August 13, 2015

the original Pulp Fiction script had every character saying "now thats what i call some pulp fiction" after every thing that happens

— chris (@BassoonJokes) March 15, 2015

just got done mansplaining to my wife that I love her and the kids very much

— slick (@fanofhell) December 22, 2015

Humans: Okay, so Dog Negotiator: Yes Humans: Uh Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We'll do it Humans: I haven't even Dog Negotiator: I love you

— Star Wars Spoilers (@longwall26) December 20, 2015