Very Funny Tweets from 2018
I compiled a year-end list of very funny tweets expertly crafted by some very funny peeps. Follow them and tell them I sent you. I crave credit.
I have horrible news for book lovers: I’m currently on my loudest motorcycle doing circles around the local library
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 26, 2018
My husband impressed me on one of our first dates by falling asleep during The English Patient. “This guy’s ok,” I thought.
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) January 20, 2018
Love to touch a doorknob that shocks me so hard my skeleton shows.
— Reply All (@VocabuLarry) January 5, 2018
Don’t want to sound stupid, but is John Lennon’s “Imagine” about kiteboarding?
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) January 23, 2018
idea: another Panama Canal that's just for jet skis
— Chris Murphy (@chrismurphyusa) January 12, 2018
i called my mom to wish her & my dad a happy 50th anniversary and she said she’d call me later because they were on their way to taco bell.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) April 6, 2018
Me trying to sneak out before 5:00 pic.twitter.com/WhGM8ylRrm
— Turkey Lozenge 🚽™ (@LostCatDog) January 19, 2018
Asked my grandpa if he knew anything about fairies from his Irish relatives and he said, “nah,” then (shrugging, matter of fact) “…only that they’re everywhere”
— 👩🏻🚀 (@lanyardigan) September 8, 2018
The Large Rascals
— chris (@BassoonJokes) February 28, 2018
My neighbor is flying a Patriots flag outside his home. For two weeks, unbeknownst to him, I've been running a hose along his home's foundation, trying to create a sinkhole. Go Birds
— Treb (@treblaw) February 2, 2018
There was a scene removed from Planet of the Apes that sets up the ending much better, where Charlton Heston goes on and on about how much he loves the Statue of Liberty, how he's planning to visit it again when he gets back, how upset he'd be if anything happened to it, etc.
— MKupperman (@MKupperman) March 20, 2018
The easiest way for me to remember the difference between stalactites & stalagmites is that stalacTITES hold TIGHT to the ceiling & stalagMITES killed my dad
— Not Sara ⚫️ (@smithsara79) May 28, 2018
I love the section in Starbucks called "mobile order" where they make a bunch of random drinks/foods and you can just go up and pick whatever you want for free
— Mike Meech (@meechone) March 13, 2018
Today a woman at the grocery store said, “Ugh! Don’t let me get these frozen eclair bites!” We laughed and laughed. Then I followed her around the store slapping various food items out of her hand while reciting lines from Apocalypse Now.
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) October 9, 2018
I’d pay $10,000 to have Betsy DeVos try to cover a textbook with an old paper grocery bag on live TV.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) March 12, 2018
Every time someone on my Instagram puts concert footage in their story I comment “nice I love Red Hot Chili Peppers” no matter who it is
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) November 25, 2018
and lemme just say, Harry and the Hendersons sucked, it always sucked, I don't get this renewed appreciation for a horrible movie and he's right behind me isn't he pic.twitter.com/hp1AO9DLRl
— Mike Schuster (@mcs212) March 11, 2018
Father says I can't collect my inheritance until I remove my ear gauges 🙁
— Jim Gavin (@jimatdeltaco) April 15, 2018
Hey this is a nice song. I should cover it but slower and not as well.
— Andy Ross (@waitforandy) May 21, 2018
My husband didn’t know the correct name for a weather vane and called it a chicken compass. Yet another industry being destroyed by the millennials.
— eve (@hello_saylor) October 1, 2018
I'm not too worried about the deaths in Infinity War because it's a movie with very valuable branded characters, and I'm 52
— Anthony DeVito (@AnthonyDeVito) May 15, 2018
please do not ask me if i am a dog person or a cat person, i prefer teenage crows. fix your question
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) November 2, 2018
I think Johnny Depp should be allowed to spend all the money he wants and I’m not just saying that because I’m his octopus dealer.
— Tom Neenan (@TNeenan) June 23, 2018
Mamma Mia 3: Pappa Pia
— Elle ⚪h Hell (@ElleOhHell) October 10, 2018
The 2nd best movie: Citizen Kane
The best movie: Any reality show episode where somebody records a song
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) June 7, 2018
I’ve ingested half a bag of Halls menthol coughdrops and my breath can turn solid objects into holograms.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) September 14, 2018
TFW you’re a little more extroverted than normal and remember that your true self is unsettling to others
— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) September 7, 2018
my current financial plan is hoping to find a $20 on the ground
— hope i did it again (@hopiecan) November 27, 2018
Hey Old Testament: you had one Job
— The Caribbean (@thecaribbean) June 3, 2018
Meghan McCain looks like a Terminator sent back in time to speak to the manager. pic.twitter.com/Chww9TQHKH
— Michael Rainey (@mikerainey82) July 26, 2018
All of my cares melt away as the warm embrace of 5000 weighted blankets push my liquified body into the center of the earth
— vineyille (@vineyille) October 15, 2018
Finally googled Putin. Yikes.
— Matt Pring-ting-tingling (@GriefBison) July 20, 2018
Dinner, last night. Niece, 11, upon being asked about whether she practiced piano: “This isn’t exactly my favorite subject, guys.”
— Michael Jay McClure (@mjmimages) July 16, 2018
Braked hard to avoid hitting an opossum and made such significant eye contact with her that I think we switched bodies
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) November 4, 2018
My lawyer just walked into Starbucks wearing a wolf t-shirt
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) July 16, 2018
Wrong again, idiot pic.twitter.com/zm2i3jee7k
— Jason (@longwall26) July 6, 2018
I’m just sad that tuba camp has to end on such a low note every year.
— Scott Linnen (@ScottLinnen) August 31, 2018
To All the Boys Who Urged Me to Give Tom Waits Another Try
— Yuletide Serota (@maggieserota) August 30, 2018
Not knowing about Greek mythology is my Achilles' Horse.
— Matt Crowley (@MatthewPCrowley) August 25, 2018
Over-dramatic Rock Documentary guy on the 90’s pic.twitter.com/noJ2IBxZmB
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) August 23, 2018
I grew up on a farm Upstate, so in third grade, when my dog died, my parents told me he went to live in a suburban split-level on Long Island.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) August 1, 2018
YES HI I WILL HAVE SIX THOUSAND SAUSAGE EGG AND CHEESE MCGRIDDLES AND A LARGE COFFEE pic.twitter.com/bDpA2EkNLG
— James Hesky (@JamesHesky) August 17, 2018
From a 1960s sitcom:
Morty: What do I look like, Leonard Bernstein?
*Polite audience laughter*
Susan: You just have to look important. Try this suit on. And hold the violin.
Morty: They'll never believe it! We'll be thrown out on our ears!
*Polite audience laughter*— Ira Parks (@IraParks) July 24, 2018
I reviewed a particularly competent umbrella on amazon two years ago. Since then, at least 30 people replied with questions ranging from "what materials, please??" to "what happens in 40 mph winds, thanks" I can't be your everything, guys and guess what? Neither can this umbrella
— Nikki (@TurboGrandma) September 15, 2018
Whoa! My podcast's twitter account likes all of my tweets!
— Michael A. Balazo (@mbalazo) September 23, 2018
A lot people make jokes like "damn my grandpa fought nazis in WWII and me? I ate french fries for lunch :(" even though your grandpa definitely spent most of his time jacking off to Betty Boop and laughing at Bob Hope talk about golfing
— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) September 20, 2018
I've read everything Anne Rice has ever written so I know one thing for sure: whatever comes out of that sarcophagus is gonna be totally hot.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) July 19, 2018
Tweets need an “I don’t believe you” button.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) July 18, 2018
I sexually identify as walking in an hour late with an iced coffee
— kid gruesome (@smeagolsfree) September 7, 2018
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) October 18, 2018
My manager at Wawa framed me for murder. https://t.co/OpEdFfClOo
— Travis (@bakesale77) October 17, 2018
If you haven’t seen your baby in a while (15 seconds), he’s probably in the kitchen about to put the bowl of canned cat food into his mouth.
— yer mom (@jasminebella) October 9, 2018
My favorite part of being an adult is looking back at childhood and trying to deduce which grown-ups in charge were just barely keeping it together.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 23, 2018
I have to share my dog going bananas in the leaves so you can see at least one happy thing on here today. pic.twitter.com/mYTJUxzJTt
— Andrew O. (@TheOrvedahl) October 28, 2018
There should be an Avenger who's just really good with people
— The Peppermint Man (@HelloCullen) November 25, 2018
Something I will always love is when hardcore songs slow down and the singer starts going "You know, sometimes.."
— Brans💋n Reese (@bransonreese) November 1, 2018
Christmas music touches on every major human emotion, from “I’m happy it’s December” to “I will fuck Santa.”
— Cara Weinberger (@caraweinberger) November 24, 2018
today's a great day to tweet "change your bio, idiot" at all the republican incumbents who lost their seats
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) November 7, 2018
Kind of wish my new doctor hadn’t introduced himself as “fully licensed.”
— Calm Tomb (@CalmTomb) November 10, 2018
We only have one guest for Thanksgiving this year so my six year old has been calling it The Boring Thanksgiving.
— Michelle Biloon (@biloon) November 22, 2018
Parents who let their 10-year-olds have Instagram accounts are the reason we can’t have nice things
— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) November 16, 2018
we get it pic.twitter.com/H52bmKRpwt
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) November 12, 2018
You want to tell them, or should I? pic.twitter.com/MjUm9tDg1A
— Jon Solomon (@jonsolomon) November 14, 2018
One of my favorite things to do on the weekend is to walk around the women’s section of a department store saying “what in the WORLD?” out loud as I examine the clothes.
— Martha Kelly (@MarthaKelly3) November 25, 2018
Was surprised my wife had never seen Gangs of New York and when I asked why she said it’s because she “didn’t like musicals”. It totally does look like a musical.
— Gourmet Spud (@gourmetspud) November 12, 2018
GROW UP, ASSHOLES https://t.co/UsWvUALGTP
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 28, 2018
When they bring in lunch at work and it doesn't start until noon but you see them setting up at 11:30 pic.twitter.com/Cqw5Sr9AHG
— Jingle Yaels (@elle91) September 22, 2018
How long are Baby Bels good for if they’re not refrigerated because I just found one in the pocket of a used raincoat I bought from a vintage store and I’m wondering can I eat it because I ate it
— Bob Powers (@bobpowers1) November 20, 2018
I replaced the Amazon can you feel it commercial music with the theme from Winter Soldier pic.twitter.com/rXMcDGoWcJ
— Omar Najam (@OmarNajam) November 24, 2018
Inspire the hell out of someone you love this holiday season with my handmade Inspirational Quote On A Rustic Piece Of Driftwood In Multiple Fonts! https://t.co/yBLdyj5PeP pic.twitter.com/BMayZdHD8g
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) November 28, 2018
on a mission to eat all 50 state birds
— everett byram (@rad_milk) November 19, 2018
i was bored so i injected some of martin short's dna into a squirrel pic.twitter.com/OB7cxbKidz
— Dave King (@DaveKingThing) September 15, 2018
Mrs. Kravitz over here spying on the neighbors pic.twitter.com/CNDCoaTl89
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) September 8, 2018
