Very Bad Puns You Will Hate!
Puns are THE WORST! Here’s proof.
Just dropped my toothpaste in the toilet. Crestfallen.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) March 5, 2021
having my deceased uncle’s favorite chickpea spread named after him at his favorite diner was a nice posthummus honor
— Jeff (@usedwigs) April 8, 2021
Please buy my brother’s book, “Guide to Edible Plants” by Dan D. Lyons.
— Jeff (@usedwigs) March 16, 2021
My 16 year-old started a channel for Spanish desserts. Please like and subscribe to Teenage Flanclub.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) February 8, 2021
Just called a neighborhood kid carrying a sled “Sleddy Vedder” and got a blank stare.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) February 7, 2021
Driving around with the family, talking about sick horses (don’t ask) and my daughter quietly says, “better take them to the horsepital.” Never been more proud of her.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) February 6, 2021
I don’t know the name of the actress in The Departed but her face is vera farmigaliar.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) January 29, 2021
Most ads for soup use stock photography.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) November 8, 2020
I have a new YouTube channel about fungus living in a symbiotic relationship with algae or cyanobacteria. Please lichen subscribe.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) November 11, 2020
My elderly Polish neighbor only eats potato and cheese dumplings and that’s her pierogiative.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) January 9, 2020
I returned some hosiery and they charged me a restockings fee 🙁
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) November 20, 2020
Ladder company CEO steps down
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) September 25, 2019
thinking about my old college geology teacher and feeling very sedimental
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) September 26, 2019
Just replaced two buttons. I did a sew sew job.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) December 1, 2017
My friend who died visiting a dairy farm is in a butter place now.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) March 23, 2018
I heard this is how Bob Dylan like to drink his beer. pic.twitter.com/duELfgKDmy
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) June 30, 2019
I find frog noises ribbitting.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) September 29, 2017
small brown mushrooms are crimini underrated
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) November 19, 2017
I thought about opening a lemon meringue pie shop but I wasn’t willing to take the whisk.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) March 14, 2014
Scary, I was just hit in the face by a Billy Joel 45 when a record store shelf collapsed and My Life flashed before my eyes.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) April 30, 2014
I yelled at this very polite old surfer for accidently kicking sand on me and now I feel bad for going off on a tan gent.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) July 4, 2016
The battle scene in The Lord of The Rings where the dwarf stabs the monster soldier in the dick was well orc-castrated.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) September 29, 2015
The last Hobbit movie did not answer the question, are young orcs called orchids?
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) March 29, 2015
“What a delicious dessert, not gross or slimy at all!” – flan fiction
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) August 12, 2012
I don’t want anyone to know I was googling Sha Na Na so I just cleared my Bowzer history.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) September 15, 2013
I give my kids small wood carvings as gifts because it’s important to appreciate the whittle things in life.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) February 19, 2017
My name is Jeff Lyons but my wife’s name is Kelly Powerslave because she decided to keep her Iron Maiden name.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) May 16, 2012
“Um, thanks for the invite, but a big communal feast is really not my scene.” – Myles Standoffish
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) November 27, 2013
Good Owl Names
– Doctor Whoot
– Owl Pacino
– Thurston Owl III
– General Colin P Owl
– Fat Owlbert
– Andie MacOwl
– Owl Dirty Bastard— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) November 5, 2015
Top Clam Flavored Drinks
– Clamato
– Clamstel Light
– Alabama Clammer
– Clampagne
– Clam Adams Boston Lager
– Clamhattan
– Vodka Clamberry— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) August 2, 2014
My taste in walking shoes is fairly pedestrian.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) March 14, 2015
Nobody likes my painting of Sodapop, Ponyboy and Johnny because they consider it outsider art.
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) January 27, 2019
“Sorry about freaking out, I’m just in a bat place right now.” – me texting from a cave
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) December 22, 2017
“I’m Not Here to Make Friends!” – Madame Tussauds designer refusing to work on Chandler figure
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) January 1, 2015
I know most of you don’t like seagulls but you must admit this one has a peel. pic.twitter.com/DaJ7nJooKe
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) September 5, 2015
me (pointing at meadow): “Are those sheep?”
sheepdog: “That’s what I herd.”
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) April 13, 2017
“I’m performing an operation on the right ventricle and the right atrium,” the doctor said half-heartedly.
— Bram Stoker’s Jeff (@usedwigs) November 2, 2020
Due to recent backlash against (very good) puns I will NOT be naming these new decorations Awreatha Franklin and Wreath Witherspoon. pic.twitter.com/Kb8eKIA4he
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) December 3, 2017
Led Zeppelin to Reunite without Original Singer, Opting for Plant-Based Alternative THIS ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SUSPENDED
— Jeff (@usedwigs) November 8, 2019
you guys whenever I drop one of my beloved pun tweets pic.twitter.com/QifYvnhxya
— Jeff Lyons (@usedwigs) March 22, 2018
