Enjoy a Random Collection of Funny Tweets
There’s nothing I enjoy more than getting my very good-looking gang together, sitting on some comfy subway stairs and reading some seriously killer tweets off a tablet held by Rick. Rick is cool that way, always ready to fire up some funny on his tablet for all to enjoy. I still can’t believe Christie dumped him. What was she thinking?
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
— pascalle (@frenchielaboozi) February 27, 2014
My ideal job? Well, I majored in English, so in a perfect world, I'd get paid to listen to podcasts while suspended in nutrient-rich jelly.
— matt prindle (@GriefBison) September 14, 2012
I have horrible news for book lovers: I’m currently on my loudest motorcycle doing circles around the local library
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 26, 2018
Hi folks, if you look out the left side of the plane you'll see some clouds or some shit. I'm super drunk. My daughter is dating a puppeteer
— Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 10, 2014
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, "Y'all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!"
— Cleve (@turbomanatee) October 11, 2017
I'm looking for the kind of life stress that an adult coloring book might solve.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) November 9, 2015
"You promise you didn't get me bees again"
[me from a distance] just open it— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 11, 2014
they kicked me out of yoga for saying holy shit too much
— hope bonham carter (no relation) (@hopiecan) April 21, 2017
What do you mean my screenplay MATH JANITOR is too derivative
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 5, 2017
These Star Wars-themed paper towels are so cool I am seriously considering checking out the films.
— Chris Murphy (@chrismurphyusa) November 13, 2017
Father says I can't collect my inheritance until I remove my ear gauges 🙁
— Jim Gavin (@jimatdeltaco) April 15, 2018
Overheard: "Stop listening to our conversation."
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) September 17, 2014
At some point today I'd like to slide a large emerald across a bar table & ask "Can you get me there or not?"
— Michael Jay McClure (@mjmimages) October 20, 2017
I hate it when I'm trying to wipe down the screen of my phone and I accidentally order 3 trampolines from Amazon
— Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) October 17, 2017
LIFEHACK: Do the dishes, you piece of shit.
— Andrew O. (@TheOrvedahl) July 22, 2014
“When I don't get a treat, how does that make you feel?” pic.twitter.com/pJhYsqnWb9
— Quinn Sutherland (@ReelQuinn) September 4, 2017
There was a scene removed from Planet of the Apes that sets up the ending much better, where Charlton Heston goes on and on about how much he loves the Statue of Liberty, how he's planning to visit it again when he gets back, how upset he'd be if anything happened to it, etc.
— MKupperman (@MKupperman) March 20, 2018
Here I am at 90, spry as a fox, jumping around my "contained living enclosure" while a crowd of robots toss tater tots at my feet as treats.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) May 21, 2016
"Ma'am, is this baby bothering you?" is way funnier to me than it is to breastfeeding mothers, is something I know now.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) July 11, 2017
Channel all your existential terror into a one-star review of some vegan cream cheese that begins, "First of all"
— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) January 18, 2017
1805 outhouse graffiti
-Reap thy harvest
-I'd like to reap Sister Gwendolyn's harvest
-He who inscribed the above will feel the lash's sting— Ira Parks (@IraParks) January 18, 2017
So the screenplay is called "Karate President" pic.twitter.com/QtxyL06ws7
— Musty Lozenge 🚽™ (@LostCatDog) September 26, 2016
I fucking love it https://t.co/sb1Xb1Vyg5
— Mike Meech (@meechone) June 6, 2016
Over-dramatic rock documentary guy pic.twitter.com/9y4W77vdto
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) December 15, 2016
