Funniest Tweets Ever – Volume 1
Okay, these might not be the funniest tweets ever but I guarantee you this is a pretty kick-ass compilation of new and old Twitter gems. Before you get mad at me for not including your favorite, I apologize, I’ve only read 86% of all the tweets ever posted. That said, I hope you enjoy them and LOL often and follow these weirdos for more goodness (please be patient, the page takes a while to fully load).
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
— karen tregaskin noble (@online_shawn) June 3, 2015
america is wrong about everything except fahrenheit. farenheit is the correct way to measure temperature. fahrenheit is like "man, it's so hot out. it's gotta be like…….100 hots."
— erin chack (@ErinChack) July 30, 2022
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
— september22 (@hodgesboi15) October 12, 2013
Tbt to Halloween when I dressed as the babadook but my friend's house had more of a grown ups drinking wine vibe pic.twitter.com/PoGKUFeLLw
— Katie Dippold (@katiedippold) June 30, 2016
"You promise you didn't get me bees again"
[me from a distance] just open it— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) November 11, 2014
Find the one thing you love and shut up about it
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 22, 2015
"Want to see something cool?" I turn my mouse sensitivity up to 6 and struggle to click the OK button. "Whoa she's buckin' like a bronco"
— vineyille (@vineyille) May 27, 2016
Sometimes you just have to take a chip clip from a low priority bag and put it on a high priority bag, it’s not personal or anything
— Ygrene™ (@Ygrene) August 22, 2021
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
— erin whitehead (@girlwithatail) October 18, 2018
(Interview to be a hot dog vendor at a baseball park)
INTERVIEWER: how loud can you yell 'hot dogs'?
ME: (eyes go completely black) HOT DOGS— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) June 21, 2015
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
— Jane (@janky_jane) August 15, 2021
DON DRAPER: "We quiero many things. Family, safety, love. But this guy–"
(Taps drawing of chihuahua)
"There's only one thing he quieros."— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) June 6, 2014
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?— brent (@murrman5) October 1, 2019
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) July 13, 2016
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said "Oh, sorry" and closed the door like I'd walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) October 20, 2018
Lil' Kim implies the existence of a larger Kim
— blake (@Leemanish) November 17, 2015
[slurring] Let me hold your baby
— moody monday (@mdob11) January 25, 2015
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.— RM (@dorsalstream) June 12, 2019
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 17, 2015
My ideal job? Well, I majored in English, so in a perfect world, I'd get paid to listen to podcasts while suspended in nutrient-rich jelly.
— matt prindle (@GriefBison) September 14, 2012
https://twitter.com/lanyardigan/status/1038500543277277185
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) February 6, 2019
A little slice of life that made my night: my daughter told me a story about one time at school when the water in the sink was perfect handwashing temperature.
"Just like I always wanted," she said.
— Joe Moore (@thejoemoore) January 27, 2020
HEADS UP: if I can't get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 13, 2012
I disagree with Jessica Biel about vaccinations, but she'll still remain my #1 source for all other medical information.
— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) June 13, 2019
Hi folks, if you look out the left side of the plane you'll see some clouds or some shit. I'm super drunk. My daughter is dating a puppeteer
— Enrique Shockwave (@UNDEADTRESOR) January 10, 2014
100% of the people who describe their life as a "journey" have DUIs.
— Atman Thakrar (@AtmanThakrar) August 22, 2015
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I'm here to tell you that you can have neither.
— Alicia Hawkes (@AliciaHawkes) November 14, 2013
"And in the end, Danny Glover learned he had been just the right age for the shit all along." [closes book] Sleep well, kids. [light switch]
— Don (@DairylandDon) April 18, 2015
OBAMA: *at state funeral* Bo was a true First Dog. He never attacked an aide, or snapped at a visiting dignitary…
BIDEN: *silently mouthing* what the fuck…— Gourmet Spud (@gourmetspud) May 8, 2021
Sharing an anecdote, 19th Century Novel Style:
"So there's this guy."
"WHOA, back up. Who was his grandpa?"— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) August 13, 2015
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what's this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector's eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 15, 2015
[tweets about social justice]
Well, I did everything I could.
— Sam Reid (@SamReidSays) May 27, 2015
I have horrible news for book lovers: I’m currently on my loudest motorcycle doing circles around the local library
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) May 26, 2018
i was born on my due date and i was only 5 pounds. it’s called being considerate & respecting ur mother
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) February 4, 2021
be ur own secret santa with ambien and amazon
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) December 16, 2017
Not knowing about Greek mythology is my Achilles' Horse.
— Matt Crowley (@MatthewPCrowley) August 25, 2018
i can't believe i have to keep washing this stupid body until i die
— pascalle (@pasxalle) February 27, 2014
When another boy has a balloon pic.twitter.com/y1v1iy2CYp
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) October 9, 2016
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
— denise (@Stellacopter) September 19, 2016
Love What You Do and the Money Will Follow: A Collection of Inspirational Quotes for People with Rich Parents
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) April 5, 2021
Been-Through-Some-Shit Barbie™
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) July 21, 2016
Note to single people: if you tell someone you're dating that Shakira is your celebrity crush, and you marry that person, for the rest of your life, whenever Shakira's on TV, your partner will say, "Oh look, it's your girlfriend."
— Alex Scordelis (@alexscordelis) August 12, 2020
Hamburglar did other crimes too. Ones that arent really cute or silly
— Jeremy (@jeremylevick) June 30, 2021
Did Grimace die??? pic.twitter.com/TLKfsscMnu
— Dan Wilbur (@DanWilbur) November 3, 2018
Stop making new flavors of Diet Coke. The original flavor, chemicals, is already perfect.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) March 21, 2019
Just thought I’d re-post this old photo of our dog Darby being too lazy to get up when the mail was dropped on him through the door-slot. pic.twitter.com/a3XPJC0XyX
— Brian Stack (@BrianStack153) February 3, 2018
Would like to see an edit of Mrs. Doubtfire where the first time Sally Field opens the door to Mrs. Doubtfire she takes one look and says “Daniel! What in the world?” Then the end credits roll.
— Martha Kelly (@MarthaKelly3) October 14, 2018
It's time we turn these loft apartments back into factories. The fun is over.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) April 26, 2015
Nobody's coming to my pizzarrhea I don't get it!!!
— Hana Michels (@HanaMichels) July 9, 2018
the only word I can use to describe this diarrhea is "humbling"
— Hope. Now more than ever! (@hopiecan) September 14, 2017
Over-dramatic rock documentary guy pic.twitter.com/9y4W77vdto
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) December 15, 2016
I babysat a two year old once who called her dad "daddy" and her mom "pancake"
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) August 8, 2022
At some point today I'd like to slide a large emerald across a bar table & ask "Can you get me there or not?"
— Michael Jay McClure (@mjmimages) October 20, 2017
when I met my husband, I said I lived in Brooklyn even though I actually lived in Connecticut, and he said he lived in Brooklyn even though he was really just visiting from Minnesota. But against all odds we came together bc we shared a fundamental value. Lying
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 12, 2021
Sometimes the backstories on Chopped are so dark and I’m like listen Hamlet can you transform these Twizzlers or not
— Ryan Burkett (@blackbeltjonz) April 7, 2020
Songs in every musical:
– This is What This Whole Thing’s About
– I Do Not Need a Man and Definitely Will Not Fall in Love With One
– You Probably Heard This One Before But Didn’t Know It Was For a Musical
– Let’s Pad Out Act II— Tom Coombe (@CalmTomb) September 5, 2020
Library patron of the week: the fella who came in, wandered around for a good while, then asked pleasantly, “What is this place?”
— Alix Hawley (@alixhawley) October 3, 2021
issuing correction on a previous post of mine, regarding the terror group ISIL. you do not, under any circumstances, "gotta hand it to them"
— wint (@dril) February 15, 2017
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, "Y'all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!"
— Cleve (@turbomanatee) October 11, 2017
*Watching tv*
4yr old: Sorry I farted
Me: Do you need to go potty?
4yr old: No, sometimes I fart because I’m watching a great show or movie, or I’m having a great day.
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) August 19, 2018
another day of staring at the big screen while scrolling through my little screen so as to reward myself for staring at the medium screen all week
— Delia Cai (@delia_cai) November 22, 2020
enjoying your Vampire Weekend? thank a Vampire Union
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) July 10, 2021
I fucking love it https://t.co/sb1Xb1Vyg5
— Mike Meech (@meechone) June 6, 2016
I regret making this pic.twitter.com/20Y3oh2Rn4
— Nickferatu (@nickeldoodle) February 21, 2021
me: [peeling a banana] may i take ur jacket lol
coworker also in the break room: do you think other people can’t hear you— 🎃 lil jack-o-lovitz 🎃 (@liljonlovitz) December 14, 2019
🎵 hop in my chrysler it’s as big as a whale / & i have never seen a whale🎵
— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) October 23, 2017
